Cosmic Dancer

I shouldn't have done that. I made everyone sad. Just like my mother back then. If anything happnens to my grandmother, how can I live on? I shouldn't have been born. I only create problems. To the point that my mother had to die because of me. If it weren't for me, my mother wouldn't have died. And my father wouldn't have to be so sad like this. It's not your fault. I know you're trying to fix this. Things will get better.

just because he didn't understand that phob was part of the revolutionaries, it doesn't mean that he is dumb or naive. he actually understands the consequences of the revolution more than anyone else, even more than phob himself. because phob fully believed he could hide tin away in their home and shield him from everything, but tin is fully aware that he cannot. phob was only worried about tin understanding him, but that was never the problem

i really don't know how to explain it, but like..all his life tin did what was expected of him. he was prince thinnakorn varakulvathin, the only hope of his family. 11 years ago, even if it killed him inside, he even let phob go, because he thought that was what he had to do. even when phob came back in his life, he fought his own feelings with all his might, he fought to keep the mask of prince thinnakorn, but in the end hope won. the hope of being just tin who loves his ai'phob. and for a while he lived in a beautiful fantasy where that was possible, but the revolution and phob being part of it brought him back to reality

because here's the thing: as long as they were tin and ai'phob, they could have run away. but now phob is captain phobthee, a prominent figure in the khana ratsadon movement, and tin can no longer escape being prince thinnakorn. tin understands phob. moreover, tin never blamed phob, even when everyone else around him did. but phob believes they can still be tin and ai'phob despite everything, while tin knows they can't

they can't because in the end it doesn't matter what TIN's beliefs are or what HE wants. it doesn't change the fact that his father is one of the leaders of the blue ribbon faction and that he will never surrender. phob may trust tin, but to all the other revolutionaries he is a threat simply because he is a varakulvathin. and neither of them can change that. that's why tin asked phob if he would do it again, that's why tin said that now they're two people who can't love each other, that's why tin has to walk away from him again. because phob believes in what he's doing, and to be with tin he would inevitably have to go against what he believes. he would have to make exceptions just for tin, but that's not how it works

and so tin has to go back to being prince thinnakorn, with all the weight of his responsibility. he has to bury his love for phob once again, he has to find a way to keep his family safe while his father is actively against the reform, he has to work to repay a debt that's not his. and the only person he's blaming is himself: for being selfish, for daring to choose his own happiness, for wanting to be just tin

yes, tin is not the revolutionary nobleman that everyone wants him to be, he doesn't have society and the people as his main priority, and maybe that makes him a hypocrite, but all he ever wanted was just to be tin who loves his ai'phob

Tin was willing to sacrifice everything for Phob. His family, his job, and his title. He was willing to sacrifice everything except Phob.

Phob was willing to sacrifice Tin for his country and its people.

And that's what makes Phob so incredible to me. He doesn't love Tin any less; he loves him deeply and absolutely. That is indisputable. He made a choice because he wanted a better world, and losing Tin was the price of admission.

That’s why he was so conflicted and in so much pain through it all. He wanted both. He wanted the happiness he felt during those days spent in their home with Tin to last forever, but he also wanted to change his country and help people who were suffering. And the heartbreaking truth of it is that, in this moment, in this place, he simply couldn't have both.

So before I go on, Phob isn't a bad person and this isn't a negative judgement of him. I believe he really loves Tinn and has good intentions, and it's because of that fact that I'm glad he's being challenged in a way. His strength as a person, his ethics, and his love of Tinn are strong enough to come out the other side of this difficult time. But he will be changed.

That being said, I think it's good in a way (good—not just appropriate or necessary) that Tinn has rejected Phob post-revolution. Phob has idealized Tinn—who wouldn't, with that face and sweet demeanor—and on some level he has put all his injustices in one big bucket. Like, the status quo is unfair—it resulted in these unfair material things in our lives, and it resulted in me being torn apart from Tinn. The status quo needs to change. And to some extent all these injustices live in one specific person, Prince Vasin. Up until now, that's been sort of convenient for Phob. It's been horrible, but the right & wrong of things, the us vs. them, has been fairly simple.

Phob really loves Tinn. He hasn't deliberately kept him at a distance. But he hasn't given Tinn the room to fully be a real person with his own complicated needs and loyalties. (Their relationship has only really lived in the physical bubble of the house in the country.) I understand why—if he ever started to, a vast quagmire of uncertainties would open up in front of him immediately. He doesn't allow himself to think about those possibilities. Plus, they're all tied up with Tinn's family and in turn with the royal family, which he considers an unfair impediment to so much that could be good in their country and in their lives.

And it wasn't that long ago that he wasn't sure Tinn still cared for him, so he's been focused on his newfound faith in Tinn's love. The trouble is that the strength of Tinn's love was never the question.

Before the actual coup went down, Phob told himself he'd explain things to Tinn and Tinn would understand. But he knew on some level that wasn't a given. If it were, he would have talked to Tinn ahead of time. I think Phob already understood that Tinn had his own complex situation to contend with, but that's been too much of a threat to his hopes for him to really conceive of it. Now he has to. He'll have to find a way to hold the contradictions of the revolution inside him—it's progress, it needed to happen, it will be good in many ways, but it's also been a means of destruction. And some of what has been destroyed wasn't inherently bad.

That summer the island covered with lychee trees is as lively as a child. I found more than a little happiness on the island. It has the flavour if lychee ice honey. It has the aroma of fruit wood roasted chicken. It also has the sweet and astringent taste that belongs to youth. The only pity, the lychee trees didn't bloom that year. Let alone bear fruit.

Do you know how long I've waited for this moment?