My Journey

My temper is pretty bad. I have little patience for shit. I’ll call you out on your shit and I’ll fuck your shit up if I have to.

I throw things at you if I can’t get right to you. I’ll scream and when I get beyond mad, I cry. I cry as a release, I have to or I’ll explode.

I have been managing my temper to the best of my ability. Being bipolar doesn’t help what so ever! It’s hard sometimes to control myself ……..

Those are the moments I have to walk away. Sometimes if I’m home, I leave, just get in the car and go. Even if just up the street to sit and breathe! I listen to music or smoke a joint. Those things calm me.

Somedays I would rather just run away! I tell everyone not to put it past me. I’m on the verge of something but what, I’m not sure.

I cry daily, I try to paint a picture of happiness but really there’s none inside of me. I hate the situation I’m in, I hate this life and the way it’s going.

Reality is that I know if I get going things will get better. Find a job. Lose some weight. Rid myself of the negative people in my life.

For so long I’ve lived by the motto that I live for me and no one else. Truth is, I’m under this microscope of hell. My every move questioned, I hate it.

I need this world, my world to turn around. I have this family, amazing family who need the best of me.

How does one take the first step to turning their lives around!?!?!?!

As I am woken up before 5 am once again by my children. I am reminded that they simply live for the moment. Watch a show or two so they dont wake up the entire house, lol. Maybe some potato chips, because why not?!

I am reminded that for me to be there for them. I have to become healthy. Mentally and physically healthy. They deserve to have a Mom for many years to come.

My life didn’t go as I planned it. I thought I would travel the world. See Africa and embrace the beauty of Italy. I thought I would be married only one time. I imagined a honeymoon on some island, in the middle of no where.

I have a cold this morning, it’s quite annoying. The kids are good, that’s what matters. EVERYTHING revolves around your world.

My world has two children in it. I’m in my second marraige (tho the first one I don’t really count, ha!) I do not own a home nor do I rent a typical apt. Rather I rent from my parents, they’re apt.

My husband is awesome, my kids are awesome. We do not have a dog but we have fish. I only work part time, my husband works fulltime. My kids are in school but only one goes all day.

I struggle to maintain normalcy, if that even exists! Being a Mom and wife, employee, friend, aunt, daughter, enemy .. It’s all of me wrapped up with a crazy bow.