For Some Reason, I Adore Being Tragically In Love

“Three simple words, that I always struggle to say. And I don’t know why, but the thought of actually saying those words scare me. Because they always threaten to spill from my lips, and I always hold myself back. When you hold my hand, kiss my nose, touch my cheek. I pass up every opportunity I have to tell you. Now call me optimistic, or call me a dreamer, But I hope to stay with you for as long as we possibly can. I feel as though you should never believe that there will be an end to a relationship. But realistically, give it a little time and you’ll be begging me to leave you. Yet I dream about the day that I can say those words without fear. I dream of the day when all our hopes and dreams come true. Because maybe you’ll let me stick around for that, Maybe I’ll be there when you get your dream job, Maybe one day you’ll ask me to marry you, and maybe I’ll say yes. Maybe someday we’ll move in together, and we’ll get a pet goldfish and name it Steve. Maybe one day we can adopt children, and they’ll call you daddy and you’ll look at them with the same look of love that glazes my eyes when I watch you. Perhaps we’ll watch our children fall in love, perhaps we’ll watch them fall out of love. Perhaps you’ll chase our daughters boyfriend down the road because you saw the way he looked at her, it’ll be the look that you gave me. I like to think that we’ll watch those children grow up, move out, start families of their own. I like to think that when we start to grow old we’ll still laugh at petty puns and lay under trees together. I like to think that we’ll retire, we’ll have a nice pretty house- possibly a cottage; And we’ll be sat out front on our porch in rocking chairs. We’ll look out across the fields and watch the sky go from bright blue- A colour to match my eyes. To a light orange- The colour of the fruit that we’ll use to cover up the smell of nicotine in our fingers. Down to slight pink- That reflects the rosiness of your lips. Slowly to red- Representing all the blood I will bleed if you need me to. And finally to a midnight blue, when the sun has been replaced by the moon and the birds by the stars. When for one more time you will stretch your hand out to lace your fingers between mine, as a promise; as a lock. And I’ll look over, and through an almost inaudible whisper, I will gain the courage to say “I love you””

“Three simple words, that I always struggle to say. And I don’t know why, but the thought of actually saying those words scare me. Because they always threaten to spill from my lips, and I always hold myself back. When you hold my hand, kiss my nose, touch my cheek. I pass up every opportunity I have to tell you. Now call me optimistic, or call me a dreamer, But I hope to stay with you for as long as we possibly can. I feel as though you should never believe that there will be an end to a relationship. But realistically, give it a little time and you’ll be begging me to leave you. Yet I dream about the day that I can say those words without fear. I dream of the day when all our hopes and dreams come true. Because maybe you’ll let me stick around for that, Maybe I’ll be there when you get your dream job, Maybe one day you’ll ask me to marry you, and maybe I’ll say yes. Maybe someday we’ll move in together, and we’ll get a pet goldfish and name it Steve. Maybe one day we can adopt children, and they’ll call you daddy and you’ll look at them with the same look of love that glazes my eyes when I watch you. Perhaps we’ll watch our children fall in love, perhaps we’ll watch them fall out of love. Perhaps you’ll chase our daughters boyfriend down the road because you saw the way he looked at her, it’ll be the look that you gave me. I like to think that we’ll watch those children grow up, move out, start families of their own. I like to think that when we start to grow old we’ll still laugh at petty puns and lay under trees together. I like to think that we’ll retire, we’ll have a nice pretty house- possibly a cottage; And we’ll be sat out front on our porch in rocking chairs. We’ll look out across the fields and watch the sky go from bright blue- A colour to match my eyes. To a light orange- The colour of the fruit that we’ll use to cover up the smell of nicotine in our fingers. Down to slight pink- That reflects the rosiness of your lips. Slowly to red- Representing all the blood I will bleed if you need me to. And finally to a midnight blue, when the sun has been replaced by the moon and the birds by the stars. When for one more time you will stretch your hand out to lace your fingers between mine, as a promise; as a lock. And I’ll look over, and through an almost inaudible whisper, I will gain the courage to say “I love you””

“i just want you to know that i’m not the easiest person to love. I have a massive part of me that is missing or broken from the last guy and i’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna take a long time to fix those up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. I have to be honest to myself and to you and say that a part of me will always love my first love. A part of me is always going to want him, a part of me is always going to be sad and still have hope but every other piece, i want to be consumed by you. My first love has taught me so many lessons. So maybe i’m not going to fall as hard, maybe i’m not going to give in to an “i love you” as easily as i used too, maybe i’m going to have a bit of trouble learning how to trust again but i want to do that. The best part about a second love is it teaches you how to recover from the first, it shows you love when you thought all was gone to waste. I’m going to be difficult at times, I need attention, constantly. I love to be complimented and sometimes i need a reminder that i’m the only one, i love kisses and cuddles and sometimes i’m going to get mad, for no absolute reason except for the pure fact i want to see you get all frustrated and cute. I believe that all relationships have arguments and i am not afraid to have them, sometimes i’ll get sad whether there’s reasons or not and sometimes i need space, other times i need as much as love as you can give. Right now, I have more barriers than i ever have before but i’m okay enough to want to see where this goes. I’m not easy, but believe me, i’m worth it.”

Don’t do to her what you did to me

“Tell me. Tell me how to scrub my skin clean and how to rid my body of every cell you ever touched. Tell me how to cut off all of my hair, every inch of it, and how to smile when people ask me why I did it. It was the end of an era, I say. I needed a change, I say. I was tired of it, I say. They think I’m talking about my hair, but really I am talking about the weight of you. Tell me how to escape the way you press on me in my nightmares and how to conjure up happy memories when my brain cannot function. Tell me how I can somehow recall every word of our last conversation and how I cannot remember the last time I was happy. Tell me how to make lists of the people who make me happy and leave you off it. Tell me how to make lists of the things that make me happy and how to erase all the aspects of my life you have touched. Tell me how to find something, anything, that doesn’t remind me of you. Tell me how to cling to the hope that someone will love me without leaving me in pain.”

If a man doesn’t call you, it’s because he doesn’t want to call you. If he doesn’t invite you to go out, it’s because he doesn’t want to see you. If he treats you like shit, it’s because he doesn’t care. If he lets you go, it’s because he doesn’t want to be with you. When a man says “I’m not ready, but you are the love of my life and the only one I want, but now is not the right time.”, it’s simply because he doesn’t want you. Don’t keep playing his confusing games. Don’t justify him. When a man wants to be with a woman, he stays with her without lies, excuses and complications. Stop being genuine and naive, and stop justifying his every excuse and complication and put yourself FIRST. You DO NOT need someone that doesn’t know what they want, you do not need someone that doesn’t see your worth. You deserve a man that knows your worth and fights for you everyday. Stop breaking your own heart for someone who probably won’t even be as good as you expect and give yourself an opportunity to be happy and be with someone who actually deserves you.

Tonight is one of those nights where I am missing you like crazy, so much that I feel sick because that’s how much I crave you. I can’t stop thinking about how badly I want you. Not in a sexual way. I can’t stop thinking about your wavy hair and your beautiful brown eyes, I want to tell you how unbelievably beautiful you are. I can’t stop thinking about how badly I want to cuddle with you, I feel so safe in your arms. And how I want you to tell me about all the things you’ve been up to, it doesn’t matter if it’s nothing new. And when you laugh unexpectedly at something I say? It’s one of the best feelings ever, I can’t believe I made you smile. I hate clicking photos but I want to click silly and cute photos with you. I want to take you to my favorite place in the city and kiss you there. I want to send you memes and random messages, no thinking a hundred times before sending a hi. I want to buy you cute gifts, write you love letters, go stargazing, watch the sunset, oh god the list is never ending. I want to play with your hair, I want to hold hands and I want to do every one of those corny romantic things from romcoms. And most of all, I want you to want me too.

“i love you. god i love you. you are literally this person i never imagined that i would get to meet. you are so wonderful i can’t even express it in words and sometimes that’s a bit frustrating but i think it’s pretty rad that you go far beyond words. you can’t be explained in just a few sentences and metaphors strung together. but you are this lovely human that i get to know and i am so grateful for that. you are so effortlessly kind and compassionate and strong willed. oh god. how could anyone not fall in love with you the moment they meet you? i have no idea how anyone could feel anything but pure happiness around you. you know how people have that one person they want to call whenever they get news? or when they’re having a bad day and there’s that one person who makes it feel so much more weightless? or that person that you can’t even believe you came across in this lifetime but you’re so incredibly happy that you did? that’s you. you’re that person for me. you make me smile until my cheeks hurt. you make my heart beat so fast. you give me so many butterflies, i feel like a little kid with this big silly crush on a boy. i love you so much my heart cannot even contain it. just being around you is the greatest thing. whether we sit there and talk about whatever is on our hearts, whether we sit in complete silence, whether we just listen to the music playing - everything is so much more beautiful when i’m with you. i want to see the world with your hand in mine. i want to go to art museums in different cities. i want to go to concerts. i want to go on road trips with no destination. i want to stay up to watch the sunset, and then stay up even later to catch the sunrise. but i also want to lay in bed all day with you. i want to watch your favourite movies. i want to lay there on your chest and just listen to you sing. i have never had someone in my life who i wanted to really explore or do life with until i met you. this feels like what a first love is supposed to feel like. new and exciting, not toxicity and lies. there is so much love i don’t even know what to do with all of it. i know things aren’t always easy. i know sometimes things hurt. i know it can be scary. but it’s beautiful. it’s always beautiful. i know you’ve been hurt. so have i. you deserve the entire world and i want to give you that. i need you to know that i love you with everything i am and everything i have. i need you to know that i’m not going anywhere. you’re stuck with me. i will be here for you on good days when everything feels light and i will be here for you on bad days when everything feels dark and heavy. i’ll be here supporting you. cheering you on. through everything. i’m your number one fan and i always will be. you’re the strongest and most intelligent person i know and i’m so excited to be able to be by your side while you take on your dreams. and no matter what happens, i’ll always cheer for you. i will always love you. if the future doesn’t have us together, just know that i will look back and just smile. because you’re this special person that exists at the same time as me and i somehow got lucky to be yours. so if things don’t work out, just know that somewhere out there, there’s an alternative universe where we ended up together and that’s enough for me. and i love you. i love you i love you i love you. that will never change.”

“I think my problem was - I’ve always had this idea of what love was like, you know? I was so scared to fall in love because I thought I would only get hurt in the end. I guess I just never believed in happy ever afters. I thought love was biting your tongue and nodding your head and being who they wanted you to be. But god, then I met him and suddenly I felt like I could breathe again. He told me he loved me and I told him the same and I knew we both meant it. I knew it because I wasn’t afraid to dance in front of him. I knew it because anywhere felt like home if I was with him. Because hearing his laugh made me feel like I was walking on water. Because my hand felt empty without his. I knew it because I believed love felt like being in a cage. But then he loved me, and it felt like freedom.”

The Ultimate Teacher x Student Book List (pls add)

things that I have understood during this year:

“I didn’t fall for you because you spoke perfectly, I fell for you because you stuttered every time you were excited. I didn’t fall for you because you were kind, I fell for you because you’d put me before yourself; you’d always be by my side. Nor did I fall for your adoring smile, I fell for you because you’d laugh at all my jokes; regardless if they were terrible. I didn’t fall for your deep, fruity voice, I fell for the stories you’d tell of your childhood, the times you’d talk about me and how much you were absolutely in love. I didn’t fall for your dark brown eyes either, I fell for they way they’d look at me when I spoke about all the things I was passionate about. I didn’t fall in love you because you were perfect, I fell in love with you because you were you.”

every piece of me is begging myself just to ask how you feel about me. i need to know if when you picture your future i’m the person beside you. i need to know if my smile makes your heart skip a beat. if you love me back because god damn not knowing is making me losing my fucking mind. i try so hard for you. i show you in every way i know how that you are who my heart belongs to. i started loving you before i ever learned how to love someone right. now i know how and i still love you. i would do anything to just prove you to you how much i’ve changed. that i will do better this time. but i don’t think you care anymore... maybe it’s finally time to let you go.

“I either have way too much energy or not nearly enough. I like my coffee hot and milky and I probably add way too much sugar. I have T shirts with holes in them that I still wear. My jeans are probably too tight for your parents and my hoodies are definitely over sized. I still eat candy like a 7 year old addict & my hair is always a mess. My nails will always be black and I will never leave the house without a backpack. I wear beanies in the summer and my button down shirts are never actually buttoned down… I wear my hats backwards and I always forget my glasses. I’m never reasonable. You’ll probably always be right but I’ll still fight you on everything, & I hate making decisions. I hate ordering my food, & making eye contact with people I don’t know. I suck at making friends and I spend to much of my time drowning the rest of the world out with music you don’t like. I either eat my feelings or starve for 3 days. I take a lot of baths & I will always need my alone time. I have a thing for being dominated & I’m almost positive you are the only good decision I’ve ever made. I’m sorry for my past and I’ve got no idea what I’m doing with my future. & for the time being… I’m okay with all of those things.”

“His eyes are beautiful, captivating. It’s incredible how much eyes can tell you. They can show the pain that they’ve been through and the joy that they feel. They can be glazed over like glass or shine like stars. His now shine, even more beautiful than they did before. And they always captivate me, every single time. They always surprise me with how beautifully they glow. They make me feel comfortable, I can look into them for hours on end and try to watch the stories of his mind unravel. I like to listen to him talk, I like the way that he says things differently than I. I love how with every word he says he has me begging for the next one. Every time he speaks it’s as if all the gloomyness of the room around us has faded, and we have entered a land of paradise. His words are so gentle, planned out quickly in his mind. Oh how I wish that I could talk as calmly as he. I love his body, I love how his hips fit between mine. I love holding him in my arms because I know he’s safe from the world’s harms. It’s nice to stroke his sides, I like to glide my hands along the soft surface. His body is homely and when I am connected with it I feel calm. His hands fit perfectly with mine as if he were a missing bolt in my creation. And the way his nose will wrinkle when he frowns. His laugh is gorgeous, not the little chuckle he makes when I pull a silly face but his real laugh. His heart felt laugh, it’s truly something spectacular, it’s as if it is a melody and it has surly become my favourite song. To see him cry with laughter is a moment I am content, knowing that he his happy. He makes me feel safe, when with him I feel at home. It doesn’t matter where I am, as long as he stays by my side through the morning and the night everything will be alright. I want to travel with this man. I want him to see my favourite places, the little nooks and crannies all around the world that I have fallen in love with, I want him to fall in love with too. I want to share my secret places and I want them to become his secret place too. I want take him to the palace of my mind, I want him to be able to see the beauty that I do when I see him, I want him to understand the feeling of wholeness I get when he is near. I want to share everything I love with the one I love.”

“When I met you I had no idea that you’d end up meaning this much to me. That seeing your smile would somehow become my favourite thing. That hearing your voice would make me smile like an idiot, that you would be the person who would show me what love truly is. That loving someone is happiness and compromise and effort and laughing. You showed me what love really feels like, what being wanted feels like. Who would have thought that I’d need you this much.”