collapsed in sunbeams

( LILY JAMES + CIS WOMAN ) —  Have you seen  BERRYHILL “BERRY” BOYD ? This THIRTY ONE year old is the OWNER OF “THE PRICKLY PALM”  who resides in STATEN ISLAND. SHE has been living in NYC for ONE WEEK, and is known to be WHIMSICAL and EMPATHETIC but can also be SUPERSTITIOUS and FRAGILE, if you cross them. People tend to associate them with CHARGING CRYSTALS and FREELY GIVEN COMPLIMENTS  (Filling Orion’s sister connection!) — @codstarters​

TL;DR - orion’s little sister!!! - v kind! v nurturing! v fun! very very sensitive   - owns a plant/magic/new age/book store in cali, also sells art and the likes by local vendors. Does personalised plant & crystal or candle & crystal orders based off birth charts. just opened another in NYC this week!! - bisexual m e s s - TW DEATH: currently recovering from a broken heart after the death of her wife and business partner two year ago, she cries a lot but she’s also trying her best  to be positive ok TRIGGERS: death, mental health

Once Berry agreed on letting him in, on letting him help her carry the burden that had been presented to her unprompted; the agent finally managed to breathe out, letting go of the air he didn’t know he had been holding while his body relaxed every so slightly, eyes closed as he let some of his own anxiety go. Feeling helpless wasn’t something he was used to; Alexander was the type of men who planned ahead, who often liked to have a Plan B, C and D in case anything went downhill. He trusted Berry was stronger than most people, perhaps even herself, gave her credit for. Yet, he knew sometimes problems and burdens needed to be shared and helping her get some control on the whole affair definitely made him more secure, made him panic less about Berry’s wellbeing. As her head fell onto his shoulder, his free hand traveled to her back to rub small circles in it that hopefully were soothing for his friend, letting their hands intertwined easily as her shaking hand looked for his, thumb gently grazing the back of her hand as he pressed his lips against her curls, covering up the woman completely. A small and tired smile gracing his features at her attempt of a joke. “You jump I jump” he murmured back. “I promise we’ll find a way to deal with this. I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this for so long by yourself. Do you plan on telling anyone else? Your family” he inquired with an even and gentle tone. He knew the Boyds were tight (tighter than most of the families he had seen in his lifetime, alas he could imagine keeping something so big from them could only be difficult for the young woman; almost as difficult as speaking up.

Alexander felt the woman in his arms begin to close off once more, ever so slightly, as she listed the reasons why she couldn’t stay with him. However, he maintained himself the same as he was, even breathing while his hand caressed her back; eyes casted away to the dogs playing nearby, chasing something he couldn’t quite make up and blissfully unaware of the storm casted upon their humans.. "Pepper and Pollux seem to be getting along fine, we’d love to see her more often. I don’t mind plants, I don’t have the world’s greenest thumb but maybe taking care of yours could help. And having you wouldn’t stop me from having a life. I’d still go to work and come home to watch some TV,” he refuted each of he claims, taking some time to breathe before returning his attention to the head tucked on his shoulder. “Maybe a once in a while have some friends over— I think you’ll like them if meeting them is something you wanna do” he shrugged every so slightly. Yaz and Gus were one of the people he trusted the most in his life, in case any of them showed up he knew none would pry or make Berry feel uncomfortable. “You can think about it of course, but maybe at least stay over tonight? Or—I can stay with you. You know I’m awake most of the night anyway; I can stay on your couch and do some work while you sleep” the blond suggested, hoping he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries by inviting himself. If anyone knew what no sleep could do to a person; how it could affect their nervous system and every part of their body, that was Alexander. If they were about to embark on unknown and turbulent waters; the agent needed the other alert and sharp as always. Something she could only achieve by resting throughout the night. Hearing Berry speak of how she felt about Madeline, the blond could only run his fingers through her locks gently, idly. There wasn’t much he could say, it wasn’t his place. Still he cared enough about Berry and regarded Madeline enough to speak up. “I know you’re hurt. I just don’t want you to one day regret letting this situation mess up your story with Madeline, especially if she’s not here to tell you why she did what she did. I know that would hurt you even more.”

...

In Alexander’s arms, even if it was only fleeting, Berry felt safe. As his hands rubbed her back in soothing circles, her body relaxed into it, muscles unwinding, breathing slowing, as the tears dampened his clothing. His ability to calm her seemingly never-ending nerves was something she wouldn’t dare question, instead letting her eyes flutter closed for a moment, allowing peace to take over. If this what it felt like to let people in, what carrying each other’s burden felt like: lighter, freer, then Berry vowed to do it more often. Alexander had managed to ease the weight of the world by sheer touch and understanding, and for that, she was grateful. Berry sat in that comfort for a moment, before coming back to reality, slowly opening her eyes at his question. The simple query had her coiling back up again as the guilt set in. Pressing her lips together, Berry shook her head, no, pulling back slightly from her friend and his arm embrace. “I will,” finally came her response, meeting Alex’s eyes cheek still resting on his shoulder, “I was always planning to, I just didn’t know how to say it. Us Boyds we’re not… we’ve been through so much, but nothing in this realm before, you know? I don’t want to bother them.”  She didn’t want to imagine the look on Orion’s face when she told him. Already, she worried about him so much, she didn’t want to make life any worse for him. But she also knew he needed to know, that shutting him and Sunny out was unfair to the two people who had been by her side her whole life.

His easy answers to her half-hearted excuses came so naturally, Berry found them hard to fault. “They do seem to be two peas in a pod, don’t they?” The two dogs, playing off into the distance already seemed to get along so well, obvious to the drama going on around them. She wished life was as easy as theirs, as free. With her thumb still brushing the back of his hand, she contemplated his offer. The logistics of moving her whole life once again, even if it were just her dog and her plants seemed too overwhelming to consider just yet, especially with how new her whole life in New York already was. But then again, the promise of being somewhere safe, somewhere warm where she could get a full night sleep was too enticing to completely disregard. Berry had, wholeheartedly, missed sleep like something fierce. “I don’t mind people, it’s okay,” she reassured him, trying to acknowledge all his offers before she made up her mind, “and you don’t have to sleep on the couch at mine. I have a spare room for when Sunny stays over,” a space set out for her sister, whenever she needed it had been a part of her house hunting. Berry hadn’t expected she would need it for herself, for her inability to be home alone anymore. The biggest thing that made up her mind, more than the promise of watered plants and happy dogs, was the soothing embrace of her friend, slowing down her heart rate with each stroke of her dark curls. It was a reminder of what it was like to be calm, and if Alexander was the only thing that helped her achieve that in weeks, she didn’t want to part from her friend just yet. “Maybe just for the night? And then, we’ll go from there?” she compromised, gazing up at him, “I don’t think I can handle any change yet but sleep… sleep would be nice.” Chewing the inside of her lip, Berry nodded as he spoke, knowing he was right, knowing she couldn’t let one secret ruin them. Breathing out a shaky breath, Berry reached to touch the ring that hung on a chain around her neck a token of the love they shared, “I don’t want it to change it either. I think I need more time though, to accept why she did it.”

“That’s alright.” Ronnie laid her phone down on the table after ordering food, listening as Berry began to speak about Maddie’s father. “First of all, I think it’s valid that your a little upset she didn’t tell you, but sometimes things like that are hard to talk about. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything but not telling you the whole truth.” Ronnie sighed, taking one of Berry’s feet in her hands and massaging it. “My first husband was very abusive. I put it with it for five years without saying a word to anyone. The night I took James and left he almost killed me. I didn’t tell my son about any of that until last year. He knew his father wasn’t a good man but not the extent of what happened. Sometimes we don’t tell the whole truth out of shame, or fear. Maybe Maddie wanted to forget whatever it is he did to land in prison or she might have thought if you knew, you wouldn’t want to stay.” Hearing he’d escaped, that part was alarming. “Oh hush, Your fine. I asked you about it didn’t I? It’s nice helping someone else with their problems instead of dwelling on my own.” She assured her. “I don’t like the part about him escaping though. Did you ever find out why he was sent away? I don’t want him causing you any harm.”

In some ways, Berry and Ronnie were very similar people. They were both women who had been through a lot of pain, yet somehow, tried to keep smiling at the end of the day. Berry hadn’t realised the extent to which Ronnie’s pain went, however, how much she’d endured. Her heart broke to hear about her friend’s previous relationships, with Berry’s hand reaching out to hold Ronnie’s, squeezing it. “I’m so sorry,” she finally breathed out, when her words started working again, “I can’t imagine… you really are one of the strongest people I know.” Berry understood how unfair it was to pin her confusion and pain on the one person who couldn’t defend herself, who probably was doing the best thing she could do at the time. All to protect her. “I think I just… I thought I knew her inside and out, especially towards the end, the bad days, the horrible bits. I guess I thought you don’t go through that with someone and not know all of them?” Not after all the pain the two already endured. Did Maddie not think she could take more? Rubbing the inner corner of her eye, Berry’s frown deepened at the question, “yeah. Samantha, Maddie’s sister told me. It’s… it’s not good. I can barely even say it out loud.”

Graham was taken aback by his friend greeting him at the door with an umbrella clutched in her hands, seeming disoriented and confused as to why he was there. Why wouldn’t he be there? Oh, right. It was late at night (or early in the morning, depending on how you looked at the time) and they weren’t exactly on speaking terms. As she held up the object she was ready to defend herself with, Graham blinked a few times. What was he doing here? Was he okay? “Am I not allowed to visit?” He finally answered, hiccuping at the end. Perhaps skipping dinner before a night of drinks had been a bad idea. Drinking on an empty stomach had led him to get drunk, fast…and make last minute decisions such as showing up at his friend’s door. “M’perfectly…fine. Just wanted to see you.”

...

Lowering the umbrella, Berry frowned at the dazed man standing in her front door. They’d barely spoken since the Valentine’s party. Mostly because she knew she’d end up letting him back in, which ultimately felt like betrayal to her little sister. But seeing him now, disoriented and quite poor looking, Berry took pity on her former friend. “Well, we don’t really visit each other now, do we?” She sighed, putting the umbrella back into the stand and giving him a sympathetic look as he hiccupped and slurred his words, “how much did you have to drink? It must’ve been a lot if you wanted to see me,” she tried to joke, glancing to the apartment behind her, “do you want some water? Would that help?”

Sunny didn’t feel like she needed to take her sister’s advice. Surely the blender couldn’t have been that loud, right? But shortly after the woman pressed the button, she winced, finding the whirring unbearably loud. “Okay, so… I’m taking your advice, next time,” she laughed, running a hand through her hair. “I don’t think you are. I just think that he’s a good friend, and I’m happy to have him as a friend. It doesn’t need to be more.” She took the smoothie from her friend, taking a tentative sip as she listened to Berry talk about the mystery guest that apparently had spent the night in the same apartment that Sunny had, even if she’d missed him entirely. “Wait… so this isn’t the same guy you went on a date with? Who you told about Maddie? I’m confused. I mean, good for you, but… there are two guys?”

..

“Hangovers and blenders don’t mix, do they? Sorry you had to learn the hard way,” Berry winced, sipping on her smoothie in the hopes it would calm her aching head. She wasn’t as bad as Sunny, but the combination of drinking and Sam’s reveal, had her feeling sicker by the hour. “I think that’s a good way to look at it, friends are more important than potential romance. But if it does happen,” Berry shot her sister an excited look, “that could be very cute too.” At the mention of Alexander, Berry paused, expression stalling momentarily before the awkward smile worked it’s way back onto her face, “Alex? Oh, no, no, no, ” how many times could she say no? “I think the date officially confirmed… not into me, just friends,” Berry swallowed thickly, ignoring the warmth flooding her cheeks, “this is a different guy. His name is Sam.”

Alexander couldn’t help but remember of the one time he had let love slipped away out of fear. How many years ago at the first indication of danger, at the first threat he had pushed the one person he had ever loved aside, out of fear, with no explanation. It had been a horrible thing to do to the person he loved, but at the time his biggest priority had been his fiancée and keeping her safe and alive. Looking back, he regretted many things about his decision and how he had parted from there but he could not bring himself to regret the decision itself, not when she was somewhere else, alive and away of the mess his life had become. And he couldn’t help but sympathize with Madeline, even a little bit. Both their modus operandi had been completely wrong, but a part of him could understand her urge of keeping the person she loved away from something that perhaps had haunted her for years. And certainly, a bigger part of him could sympathize and agree with Berry’s indignation, for her worry for being kept in the dark during all the years. It was a rather complicated situation he had no right weighing on; his opinion on the whole affair was for him to keep. 

“Don’t apologize” he quickly urged, skin itching to ease the frown on her forehead he knew had been there for probably a long time. With a deep sigh, Alexander leaned in and pressed his lips on her forehead tenderly “Let me in, please. I would never let anything happen to you” he whispered against her forehead before pulling apart, looking back into her eyes. “Or your family, or— anyone you care about. I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t sure I can do this. And it wouldn’t be only me, the FBI will be involved” he argued, hoping her doubt would vanish even the slightest if he got the bureau involved, if there were more people in it instead of the one man she already knew whom she had never seen at his job before. At his friend’s next admission, a confession he suspected she hadn’t been able to say out loud before. “You need to sleep, Ber” he finally said, head already creating a thousand scenarios on how to help Berry rest. If she managed to sleep through one night, maybe then they could figure out her next move. “I have a spare bedroom, if you think you’ll feel safer there you can spend the night, as many nights as you need really” he offered wholeheartedly, a hand reaching over to wipe away a tear from her face delicately. At the next subject, the blond’s hand was retrieved from his friend’s face, worry and sympathy written all over his face as Berry mentioned her wife. “I know you do. And I know you are confused and scared and tired, not many things can take that away. But you can’t let this change your history with her. I know it’s easier said than done— just try to remember how much she loved you and vice versa. And that you are never alone.”

...

Not for the first time it crossed Berry’s mind that she wasn’t built to withstand pain. As though, she wasn’t made out of the stuff that made people hard and enduring, instead she was soft and fragile, weak. Most days, she wanted to spin it into a good thing, to remind herself there was bravery in being kind. But at this moment, with fear, exhaustion, and sadness plaguing her, she did not feel brave one bit. Berry was terrified, and knew she wasn’t built for this kind of fear. Her positivity couldn’t withstand it. But then there was Alexander, the man who she had promised she would help him carry his baggage, offering to carry hers. Begging to. His insistence she let him in only had her crying harder, the sensation of the kiss on her forehead still lingering. While her heart thudded in its caging, while she felt ever bit of pain, Berry nodded her response to her friend. It was only fair she held up her end of the deal. “Okay…” she sighed, “okay… you can help,” her whole body folded into him, head resting on his shoulder, almost his chest, and shaking hands desperately seeking out his to grip onto once more. Berry hoped that if she stayed under her friend’s embrace, the world wouldn’t reach her. Into his shirt, almost unintelligible, Berry tried to make a joke, a reference to the promise they’d made, “I jump, you jump, right?”

The idea of a full nights rest, safe in the home of her good friend sounded too good to be true. A whole onslaught of excuses rose to her lips at Alex’s offer, some varying from very real concerns, to miniscule worries. “But Pepper… I’d have to bring her, or the plants, I couldn’t ask you to take me in like that, you have a life too Alex,” but hadn’t he proven time and time again that he would do it? That there was no limit when it came to the kindness he extended towards Berry? The woman was so used to pouring all of her light into other people that she didn’t know how to handle it when light came pouring back. She continued resting her head on his shoulder, thinking about Madeline, how easily one serve of information had broken down the happy memories she had of the two of them. “I know you’re right. I know maybe she was trying to protect me, and logically, I understand why she did it. But in my heart, it hurts. I’m hurt. After what we went through, her sickness… I thought we shared everything.”

“I don’t think I’m strong.” James replied back to her, shrugging his shoulders some. That was the last thing he felt after everything he had been through. “My entire life was turned upside down in the course of one night-” He shook his head some, fingers itching to fidget with something, used to always having a cup of coffee in front of him to mess with. “There’s nothing strong about that. You just- I dunno, have to face the life you’re left with.” A soft sigh escaped from his lips, not meaning to get serious but ended up there anyways. “You don’t really have a choice, you just have to move forward with what you’ve been dealt. People always say how I’m brave or strong but I really don’t think it’s any of that.” He gave a small smile, a nod of his head as she went on about super woman, not wanting to admit that he really didn’t know who super woman was. Just knew that his mom had always called him super man because of everything he had been through. “Yeah- they give me independence. That way I’m not asking mom or Madi a hundred times over in a day how to do the same thing over and over. Or I can figure out how to do something I don’t remember. Something so I’m not relying on them so heavily, which I think I end up doing a lot anyways.” A small frown making its way onto his face before it quickly passed. “I honestly probably drink way too much of it. I don’t know if I ever gave tea a try or not.” One of the many things he really didn’t remember. “Is it any good? If so, I might need to start replacing my endless cups of coffee with tea here and there.” 

James’ words were familiar to Berry, who’d said the very same thing to others who applauded her time and time again. She understood how uncomfortable it could be, being complimented on your ability to endure one of the worst moments of your life, but she also knew it didn’t take away from what an enormous effort it was to keep going. “People say the same to me, after I tell them about my wife,” she confided, eyes trained on the cup of tea in her hands, “but… I think it’s our ability to survive through the terrible things and move through it that make us strong. Like, resilience is something that happens to you as a result of a traumatic event, I guess. But… maybe, and I don’t know much, I just know from experience, but maybe waking up every day, making coffee,” she held up her cup, “not letting the past swallow you whole… surviving, that’s still strength,” Berry leant forward, patting him on the hand and giving him a small, cheeky, smile to lighten the mood, “accept the compliment.” She didn’t mind talking to James, learning about Ronnie’s son beyond the connection of them meeting in random spots every few weeks. She nodded in understanding as he explained the post its, refraining from another compliment and instead focusing on sipping her tea.  “I drink too much of it too, they weren’t kidding when they said it was addictive. But, tea is good, and easy,” she pointed to one of the kitchen cupboards, “pretty sure I found teabags in there. No scary, over complicated coffee machines involved whatsoever.”

as much as sam wished she could, she couldn’t give berry an answer. she could guess and speculate but the truth was, neither one of them would ever truly know. maddie was gone now and it was too late for sam to try get those answers out of her again. “because she loved you? because she didn’t want her family screwing up the best thing she had? i don’t fucking know!” she snapped, her emotionless facade cracking.

then came the question she had refused to contemplate. it opened too many doors that she wanted kept firmly closed. she knew that she was supposed to be the one with the answers, the comforting words. there was nowhere to pull them from though. so, she didn’t respond. she just continued pacing over and over again, right hand shaking and shaking and shaking. something needed to be said, she knew that but there was nothing. just this terrifying sense of being placed but in a cage, the keys just out of reach.

...

When Sam’s emotionless façade broke, Berry jumped in fright. Shrinking away from her former sister in law, she wrapped her arms around her body, holding herself together. If she couldn’t turn to the woman who knew Maddie best, who could she turn to? Sam was too gruff, too harsh, her words stung and isolated Berry, only making her frustration worse. “Please don’t yell at me,” Berry mumbled in a weak voice, staring down at her hands. She couldn’t handle Sam like this, but as much as she wanted to ask her to leave - they were family, in some way. The two women were pictures of grief displayed, Berry hunched over and wilted, Sam shaking and pacing. Both hurting, showing it in different ways. Time went by slowly as each dealt with their pain in their own way, until Berry finally spoke once more, “what do we do?” Surely Sam, with all her knowledge and experience could at least give Berry that answer.

“Honest is good, but how are all these potential suitors supposed to know how absolutely hilarious I am my biography sounds more like a Google search?” She laughed, lips curling into an amused smirk. Berry had a point, it was obviously good to be honest about why she was on the app. But Xyla feared admitting that she was looking for a distraction would attract less than favourable men and push those that had potential even further away. “I guess leaving it blank for now wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

Xy draped her arm across the backrest of her seat as she listened to Berry recount her love story. They’d only known each other for a few months, but she loved hearing about the things that made her her. “Was she also into crystals, tarot and all that then? I mean, I can only assume since she asked for your sign and you became business partners,” Xyla mused. 

...

“You do have a point,” Berry faltered, running her hand through her curls as she thought of what she could put, “maybe a play on words with your name? That could be fun?” She mused, knowing she was awful at witty. “If you leave yours blank, I’ll do the same – we can make it an experiment or something. But seriously do think we need to be leaving the house and talking to people off the apps – I’ve seen too many fish men,” Berry held up the picture of the man on her screen, who was indeed holding a fish.

Talking freely about Maddie was wild, having people not know the story or the details of their love – especially when it felt like everyone back home knew and she couldn’t escape it.  “She was, yep, the whole thing. I guess you could say we had a lot of similar interests? A few weeks into university I was dropping out and we were trying to figure out the Prickly Palm. What about you?” Her attention turned to Xyla, eager smile on her face, “what’s your love-life story?”

She was quiet as her sister spoke about Maddie, unsure how to respond or if that was something that Berry wanted to talk about then and there. “Right. Yeah, it can’t be that different… and if it is, you tried, right? And we learned something.” She sighed. “I – I don’t know if he’s gay. But he’s already sort of seeing someone, and he is a guy, and I’m not sure he’s ever seen me as anything other than ‘that running friend’ or anything like that.” Berry was asking the same questions that Sunny was asking herself. And she felt like she was still sorting through everything and barely had an answer for herself. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about him that way.” But Berryhill’s next words made Sunny pause, and it took everything in her power to not have her jaw drop. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Ber. That’s – what the hell? How does that even happen?”

Conversations about Maddie only consisted of one off comments, rare snippets of the life she once had. It wasn’t that she never wanted to talk about her wife, more so that she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop. “You’re right, at least I tried. Now block your ears, it might get loud,” she warned before flicking on the blender, holding it on as the harsh noise whirled around the room. The noise itself did nothing for her hangover. “Ouch.” She winced once the sound was over, pulling out cups for her and her sister before resuming the conversation, “Hmm sounds like I’m just overcomplicating this for you, aren’t I? Sorry.” If Sunny didn’t have the answers, it wasn’t in Berry to force them out of her, “Maybe you should think if you do, though… if you want.” Handing over the yellowish smoothie to her sister, Berry shrugged, face growing red as she remembered the encounter, how things had rapidly shifted from nice to awkward. “We met a couple of weeks ago, got along, I saw him again last night and I don’t know, I’d been drinking – you know how I get when I drink, Sun, so I took him home and then this morning he saw photos of her."

Val grinned, reaching up and their hands slid through her hair gently, being careful but feeling the bun on top of her head. “Great minds think alike. A course we probably both look fuckin’ fantastic.” They added, letting her bring them along through the plants and explain everything. There was already an energizing feel to the shop, and Val knew they’d be visiting often. Even to just sit, drink coffee, and chat away with Berry. While maybe their hook-up had gone awry, Val had found an immediate kinship with her. And to hear she was thriving and had a bigger shop… and she sounded happier, even just a little bit. Val listened to the explanations about the plants and they laughed. “I’m fine! Very good, actually. Finished a mini press tour an’ I’m finally back- yes, yes, I’m sticking around. I promise.” They smiled. “All the traveling has been a bit exhausting. I’m happy t’be back in NYC and getting my work done, back in my home. Able to visit everybody again.”

...

For an outsider, two people standing in a plant store, touching each other’s dark curls would be an odd sight. But Berry had accepted it as a normal part of her friendship with Val, accompanied by an easy comfort between the two. “Oh, we do, you look beautiful,” she noted as she guided them around, handing them a plant every now and then to touch. She even loved the way they, normally chaotic and blunt, handled the leaves of the plants with the utmost care and tenderness. “I can imagine, you probably don’t find time to write with all that travel. And now that you’re around again, you can come by on Sundays! I have a friend who sits in the store all morning, she brings pastries, I teach her about crystals, you’d love it.”

“Stop it! You look fine!” Berry’s laughter was always contagious and Penny couldn’t help but laugh along with her every time. The wine was buzzing through her system as she tried showing her friend. “I’m trying to be supportive! I swear!” Picking her wine off the table, she took another sip before pushing her hair back behind her ears. “Berry, you know there isn’t a lot of ass shaking in ballet. Mine’s a little rough.” She mimicked the moves she showed Berry and ended up feeling silly herself. “How do I look?” she asked, struggling to hold back her own laughter.

Life was fun when Penny was around. She made it easy to forget all the bad things that piled up, and instead reminded Berry of the silly moments. Like trying to do a dance routine a few glasses of wine in. “Frankly, I think maybe there should be a little more ass shaking,” she joked, mimicking Penny’s words back to her. Collecting her glass and perching herself on the arm of the couch, Berry cheered as Penny attempted the move, “you look spectacular!” She called, nothing but supportive of her friends, “can you do a pirouette?”

The blond’s lips fell to a fine line as he saw Berry take the piece of paper off of her bag, blue eyes briefly traveling to Pepper and Pollux who seemed to be having much more fun than their two humans. It was almost a breath of fresh air, seeing the two dogs playing together and getting to know eachother, seeing them bond. If there wasn’t such a heavy blanket over him and Berry, if his heart wasn’t aching for someone who had easily become important for the agent in the span of a couple months, Alexander could be grinning, happy to see them bond and get along. The promises of a camping trip in the near future now felt— both cursed and like the perfect getaway; except not as enjoyable as he could’ve hoped. Not when he knew Berry would be worried, traumatized for what she couldn’t even speak about. As the other handed him the article, Alexander held onto it, blue eyes scanning every line written. He could feel the other next to him, muscles tight and movements jerky and after reading the article, he could understand. The crime, the words used to describe his crimes left the agent speechless. Alex himself had met some of the most prolific criminals of his lifetime, had fought against them and put some behind bars. However, he couldn’t phantom how hard it was knowing the person you loved had had one in their family, knowing Madelaine had probably suffer because of him, knowing how terrified Berry felt. He breathed out after a few seconds, blinking rapidly as he tried to regain some conscience, taking Berry’s hand on his again, to anchor them both. 

There wasn’t much Alexander could say after reading the article, only hold it with his free hand and directing his gaze back to the dogs without actually watching them, mind racing. With eyes filled with worry, his hand reached over to her chin, searching for her eyes. “You can’t ask me to stay put when someone like this is out there, when someone like this is out there and there’s a chance he knows about you, you can’t seriously think I’d do that” he could feel his voce break. More than his duty as law enforcement, the idea of anything happened to Berry formed a pit on his stomach. “I do this daily for people I don’t even know, what makes you think I wouldn’t do it for someone I care about, Berryhill?” he defied back, voice clear and concise. He couldn’t stand the idea of not doing the one thing he was actually good at to protect a friend. He liked to think he was an easy-going person, he didn’t dare to force his beliefs onto people and deemed himself a rather openminded person. He really didn’t want to force Berry into anything, make her feel uncomfortable or any of the sorts, but he really couldn’t stand watching Berry go through something so rough alone. If not his help, he knew he had to at least get the FBI involved in case she didn’t trusted him or didn’t wanted him involved in the case. He tried to chuckle at her next statement, shaking his head lightly. “Sadly, no. But you knowing it’s a good thing, better than not knowing and finding out another way, at least you can prepare or— think ahead” he whispered. As Berry spoke about Madeline, about her not being there and therefore, not having an answer to the doubts in her mind, Alexander chewed his lower lip. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to insist on the topic, yet it worried him that the news could mess up the memories Berry had of her wife, that it could make her suffer even more. “Maybe one day you will” he murmured back, gulping. Maybe one they she could make sense of the mess happening around her. At least Alexander hoped she would, more than anything. 

...

As Alexander read the article, one of many Berry had collected over the past few weeks, Berry resumed staring at the dogs. Adopting Pepper had been an act of kindness for herself, bringing light into her life when she frankly felt suffocated by darkness. It had worked. Or at least, it sometimes did. Moments where she was too busy taking care of the dog, or going on walks, or working at the Prickly Palm, moments where she was too distracted to think. But it never lasted too long. She couldn’t absorb all of Pepper’s light, especially on the nights where it was 3am, and she couldn’t sleep out of fear. Couldn’t sleep because every single sound could be something more sinister than reality. And now Alexander was invited into this isolated world she’d carved out for herself. Berry’s lips pressed into a tight, hard line as he took her hand, unable to feel the usual comfort she always felt from his touch. No, this was something she was sure that Alexander couldn’t fix. What could he say?

 Berry had expected sympathy. The worry in his eyes, kindness pouring out of him. What she hadn’t expected was his determination, his stubborn refusal to let her push him out, to forbid him from doing anything to help. A sharp intake of breath sucked in as her took her chin in his, forcing her tired eyes to meet his own. Berry had never seen him lose his cool before. Sure, the day in the Prickly Palm she’d seen him cry, the both of them breaking down. She’d observed his worry countless times, but never like this, never so disarming. “I’m sorry,” came the weak response, wobbling out of her lips as she stared back at him, shrinking right down under the weight of his gaze. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been in anything like this before. I’m just,” she sniffed, the back of her hand wiping away her tears, wrist brushing against the hand holding her face as she did so, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want anyone to get hurt,” it was all totally new territory for her. A world Berry had never considered. There was Alexander her friend, and Alexander the FBI agent, and she didn’t fathom them to be the same person until now, where he was begging her to let him help her. “I’m so tired, Alex,” she finally admitted, voicing the exhaustion that weighed down her bones every day, “I’m scared, I’m confused, and I’m tried.” Her teeth went back to worrying her bottom lip as Berry thought of the woman she loved and lost, who was causing her pain with her unanswered questions and secrets. She hated that the perfect memories she had were now tainted by a man who’d obviously cause more harm to Maddie than Berry even knew. “You sound like me,” she sighed sadly, glancing at Alexander as he alluded to the possibility of seeing her again, “I really wish she was here.”