#eita

“She is, maybe you should hang around her more” Rissa could use having healthy friendships with more people and Dal was perfect for that. “Not all the guys I’ve met were crappy at sex though, and come on, you can get whoever you want and you know it” Rissa was so fucking attractive he knew any man or woman would want a piece of that. “You did?” That was new, he had no idea they had feelings for Jordan. “You think it’s like, a definitive crush, like, you know, love of your life kind of crush?” Jordan couldn’t be blamed for dating someone, they seemed happy with Ri Ahn, but it sucked for Rissa, he knew a lot about unrequited feelings. “Let’s take it easy, we have time to apologize to those who deserve apologies” Because maybe Rissa was overthinking things. “You need a hair appointment too, you look like a mess. A gorgeous mess”

His question almost drew out a bitter laugh from their lips, but instead, Ris settled for a scoff and an eyeroll. They didn’t think they would ever find the love of their life, and it wasn’t some kind of pity party they were throwing, more like... they didn’t think they would connect with anyone at that level. Or maybe they just weren’t cut out for the monogamous life? Rissa didn’t know and it was too much to think about at the moment. “I probably mistook my feelings for them for something else... because they were there.” Rissa shrugged again, before running their fingers through their hair. And honestly, the rehab time would probably be great to sort everything out and make sure they kept their feelings for Jordan completely platonic, after all, just like Shawn, they were happy with someone else and Rissa wasn’t going to be the one to ruin that. When he teased her about needing a hair appointment, the brunette sighed tiredly. “Thanks Shawn... That kind of joke is exactly what I needed right now.” They finally pressed the button to call in the nurse and then stubbornly stepped out of bed so they could try and look for their clothes. Hopefully they would be out of there soon.

“You know, he’s still the puppy in love, I thought they would be over that adorable phase but I think they will be sticking to it forever” He laughed, since thinking about his roommate always made him feel happy. He nodded, figuring a distraction was needed. “Well, I met this super sexy man who is amazing in bed and likes everything about it, so my hair shines because I’ve gotten laid so much I swear I lost the count” Maybe this wasn’t the best topic but sex had always been fun to talk about. “I also got a rise on my paycheck because apparently I cook like a God” He was exaggerating. “And Amelia is texting me, she says she has everything figured out and that as soon as the doctor says you’re ready to go a car will be waiting for us. Shit, she’s really efficient”

“That’s cute. His girlfriend is really adorable.” Ris replied with a small, yet sweet smile on their lips. They really were happy for everyone’s happiness. Sure, maybe they were bitter for the lack of such feeling their life, but just because Rissa was not in a good place at the moment, it didn’t mean they needed to keep ruining everyone’s happiness, right? “At least one of us is getting laid. You deserve it... after all the crappy men and crappy sex you’ve been through.” And due to being high for the most time of these last few months, Rissa couldn’t remember the last time they had actually had a good night of sex. “I think I developed a crush on Jordan and totally lashed out on them and started treating them like shit when they started dating their guy.” They took a deep breath. “I’m pretty sure I should be apologizing to pretty much everyone now.” Ris rubbed their hands over their face, taking another deep breath and only looking at Shawn again when he spoke about the text. “Yeah, she’s the best. No wonder she’s my manager. Hopefully I’ll be out of here soon... I need a shower.”

“Sure, doll, here you go” Shawn had put it on silence so he wasn’t sure what Rissa would find, but they needed to call Amelia and he was glad they were agreeing to seeking for the help they needed. “Of course, I’ll let Tom know that I won’t be going home and I have a few days of vacation left, I’m sure they won’t mind giving them to me, you know, I’m a delight to talk to and no one can say no to me” He batted his eyelashes to show how adorable he could be. “I won’t move from your side” And he would text Jackson too, hoping he would understand his sudden disappearance.

Just as they had imagined, their phone was blowing up. It was also almost dying so that was good? And they hated having to bother Amelia, but oh well... Their call reached voicemail, so Rissa left a message with Shawn’s phone number just in case. It was really good to have Shawn back... to be able to just be with him without worrying about things, even though they were worrying about lots of things. “How’s Tom?” They asked, trying to make conversation. As they looked down at their phone, it started buzzing with notifications again, so Rissa sighed. “Can you talk to me about what’s been going on with you? I don’t want to keep thinking about this...” They sighed, frustrated while moving their hands around.

“Stop apologizing, I don’t blame you and I’m not asking you to ask for forgiveness. I’ll help you find a place, I’m serious when I say I’ll be there for you, every step of the road” He promised because in his mind there was no other option. They needed help, help he couldn’t provide on his own, but he would be there, as much as he could. “We need to wait for the doctor to give the order, but maybe it would be a good idea to call her now, she could arrange a way out of this hospital, just in case the press is here” He didn’t know, but Amelia would know what to do. At Rissa’s question he looked surprised. “I… I actually don’t know. I was supposed to give him a call but I’ll do that later. He probably went home, I’m sure he’s okay” And maybe, just maybe, Shawn should have thought about his boyfriend sooner. And maybe, just maybe, the fact that he completely forgot was somehow of a sign?

As terrible as it was to think that, Rissa was happy to have Shawn’s undivided attention to themselves. Was it selfish? Yes. Did they care? Not at the moment. Maybe in the near future that would change, but right now, it wasn’t happening. “Can you get me my phone? I’ll ask Amelia what I should do.” And they almost told Shawn to check in on his boyfriend, but that would mean having to share and right now, they just wanted things to be like they used to be before everything started happening. “Can you... stay with me for a few days?I don’t want to be alone.”

“Then don’t. I think we could use some time offline, don’t you agree?” After all, the pressure of the media was too much for Rissa, and he understood it, their life was all based on their public image, but right now, there was something much more important, their life, and he was determined to help them through that. “I think they can let you off soon, but I think we should discuss what’s next, doll. I think you should go to rehab, you can’t go home, you can’t continue like nothing happened, you need professional help love, you almost died” He reminded them gently, since he didn’t know how they would react to this. “I can call her, you know I’m lovable, I can even offer to babysit if she needs to work, but I’m sure she’s gonna help”

There was way too much to think about. And right now, Rissa was way too tired to focus on one thing. Still, they nodded when Shawn said they could use some time offline. The media could be scrutinizing when they wanted to, and right now everyone was probably judging their life decisions. “I--” You almost died. These words kept echoing in their mind and Rissa couldn’t even bring themselves to say anything back. To say they were okay, that they didn’t need rehab or something of sorts. “You’re right. I know you are. And I’m sorry for being stupid like that... I’ll look for a place.” They should also start thinking about moving out of that giant house and look for a smaller place to live. Something of their own. A place they wouldn’t feel so lonely. “No, I’ll call her. I just need to leave here first.” They paused, biting softly on their bottom lip. “How... how’s Jackson?”

“Nothing to be sorry babe, we are together now and that’s all that matters to me” They were alive, that was the most important thing and he was so close to losing them that it was like the world was giving both of them a second chance, one he was very grateful to have. “Love yourself” He smiled softly, because they were right, how could they love someone if they didn’t love themselves first? “I’ll be here for you every step of the way” He assured them, shaking his head “I made sure no one got it on tape, but people talk so we won’t know until we check online” And the hospital had been very private about everything. “I’ll make the call, don’t worry, your agent should know because you’re not dealing with this situation alone”

“I’m not even sure I want to check online.” They replied with a sigh, running their fingers through their hair and hating all of those wires connected to their body. “Do you know when can I leave? I don’t want to stay here any minute more than I have to.” And then it was time to face the harsh reality... to call Amelia and say they had screwed up (if the blonde hadn’t gotten the news yet and was trying to reach them) and ask for help, which was something Rissa hated, but if they wanted to still have a career, might as well do so. “I don’t want to bother her because she had babies a couple of months ago, but I think I might need her if I still want to have a career.”

“He’s great, yeah, but you know, love is not everything in life, and even when one thing in your life works, if the rest doesn’t then it’s not full happiness. I want to be fully happy and you’re a big part of my happiness, doll” So yeah, even when he was pretty sure he was in love with Jackson, he could never be happy if Rissa wasn’t part of his life, because he needed them, as much as he needed Jackson and his family. “You’re my someone great” He reminded them, grabbing their hand tighter. “We’ll do better next time, we’ve both been blinded by different things” He reminded them. “What about that guy that said was into you? You do have people around you, maybe you just have to look around better”

They were doing it again---excluding Shawn from their narrative. And Rissa wasn’t doing it on purpose. They just didn’t want to drag someone they cared so much into this huge pile of shit that was their life at the moment. “I’m sorry... for... you know... everything.” They pursed their lips, looking at Shawn as if they were about to cry again. Blame it on their stomach being pumped or whatever. “I don’t know which guy you’re talking about but, I think I have to work on myself first.” They sighed. “I’m a mess... I don’t like who I’ve become. I need to try and work on that first.” They didn’t want to become their mother... they didn’t want to keep abandoning people when they needed Rissa the most. “Did---did many people see what happened?” THey asked, hoping for a negative answer... TMZ was probably already on it and Rissa didn’t even want to think about it. “I don’t want to bother my agent with this shit, but I don’t know what to do.”

Shawn paid attention to their words, they were finally talking about things which was a good sign, because for months Rissa kept everything bottled up inside of themselves. “My life might seem like it’s improving but the hole in my heart kept getting bigger because you weren’t there to share my happiness with” He told them, smiling softly. “I guess we all got a little lost, you know? I was craving for someone to love me that I got too into it without really noticing what I was doing, it’s all about balance, and my love life is nothing if I don’t have my best friend there with me” He explained, feeling guilty for focusing so much in Jackson and ignoring the signs Rissa gave him. “Loneliness sucks, even when you’re surrounded by people you can feel lonely, but talking about it is the first step, opening yourself. And I don’t know what’s next either, but we’ll go through this together”

In all honesty, Rissa didn’t want to be having this conversation, because it only made her feel even worse... more selfish. They weren’t there to share Shawn’s happiness with him because they were too busy feeling sorry for themselves for 1) being so afraid of losing Shawn now that he was so happy with someone else and 2) not having found someone decent who actually cared about them. There were way too many things to consider when it came to the reason why they had become distant. They wanted attention, but couldn’t get it... then they decided to get angry and sad at the world for not getting said attention. “He’s a nice guy and you deserve to be happy with him.” Was all that Rissa managed to say once Shawn brought Jackson up. They didn’t want to feel jealous because jealousy was a nasty feeling to harbor... they were happy for Shawn, of course they were. He was the person Rissa loved the most. “I guess I felt like you didn’t need me in your life anymore... since you had found someone great.” They shrugged. And well---they had bonded over their distaste for love and everything it had done to their lives, right? “I’ll--do better next time.” They had to, right? They needed to stop depending on others so much, especially since Hollywood was a nasty place to depend on others and they really did want to get their career back... fuck, now that was probably doomed too.

“That’s exactly why I’m staying, love, because you keep pushing me away and I allowed it for too long but not this time” He replied, a soft smile on his face since now he saw it all clearly. This is where he belonged, this is where he had to be. “Oh you can feel like shit all you want, I allow it, we all need some self pity and if we must, we’ll drown on it until you’re finally done” He assured them, holding their hand tighter. “Because I’m not your mom or your sister, of course, I’m almost offended by the comparison” He kissed their hand this time. “Your mess is my mess, and my mess is yours too, this time we are taking care of yours before we take care of mine, that’s all”

It wasn’t easy to make Rissa speechless. Just like everyone else in their life, they were expecting Shawn to simply give up and leave them to their antics, but of course he wouldn’t, right? He was Shawn, and Shawn was their everything. It had always been them two against the world, so why couldn’t they simply turn to him with their life was falling apart? Rissa sat there, watching their hands together while their brain was going nowhere and their chest hurt. Their stomach and throat too, but not metaphorically. “I feel like my life’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” They sighed, sniffling to try and keep the tears down, but it wasn’t working. “Everyone seems to be doing one hell of a good job without me, so why bother, you know? I just feel so fucking lonely... and the drugs helped for a while... then they made everything worse because that hole was still there. Now I don’t know what to do.”

“I have nowhere to be” Shawn assured them with a smile, holding their hand tighter. He didn’t have to worry about Jackson, he would text him later and he was sure he would understand, but right now? His place was next to them and he wasn’t planning on leaving their side. “You’re not okay, baby doll, come on” He whispered, his free hand removing some hair off of their face. “My life is right here, with you, I can go later and I can be happy in multiple places. You make me happy, you know that? You always have, you and me against the world, remember? That still hasn’t changed” He didn’t like seeing them cry, but he knew they needed their own space, he was just decided not to give it to them because look at how things ended the last time he tried that. “I love you”

Just hearing Shawn talk, it made Rissa get even sadder. It was not his fault--at least Rissa didn’t think it was his fault. Mostly because Shawn had always been there for them and Rissa was... well, Rissa had screwed up big time. “No... Really, you should go.” They sighed, feeling ashamed of everything they had been doing. “I---I’ve been a terrible person and I don’t need to keep feeling like shit.” Even if this was none of Shawn’s fault. It was easier to just push him away. “I mean... my mom and sister couldn’t give a shit, so why should you, right? I don’t want for you to keep carrying on all of my crap.” They took another deep breath before wiping their tears away from their face and sitting down on the bed. “I don’t want to keep dragging you into my mess.”

“Oh hey babe” Shawn was so relieved to hear their voice again he did his best to hold the tears back because he kept thinking of how close they were to dying, of how close he was to losing them. “I won’t move a single bit, so if you’re thinking of kicking me out you’re really wrong, doll” He assured them with a smile. They had to stay here, they overdosed, and now Shawn knew the hardest part would come. “You need to get clean and I’m going to be here with you every step of the way, that’s what soulmates are for, right?”

Everything was so overwhelming. Rissa had heard stories about it... like how people coming back from having their stomach pumped after an overdose felt the most vulnerable, but now they guessed the stories were true. The brunette wanted to cry, whether out of happiness and relief for Shawn being there, or out of shame for being there themself, but still... “No, you should go.” Ris said again, trying their best not to let the overflowing emotions to get the best of them. “You’ve got Jackson to worry about, I--I’m okay. You should go.” They shook their head. “Please stop being so nice to me. I don’t deserve it... so please... just go, Shawn. Just---just go live your life.” They breathed deeply, already feeling the tears welling up their eyes as they rolled on the bed and laid on their sides, so they wouldn’t face Shawn. “Just go and be happy.”

[flashback]

This party sucked... and seeing Shawn had not helped at all. It brought back all of those thoughts of how he was better and happier without Rissa’s drama in his life, but at the same time, it made them lonelier because... well, the only person they wanted to have around, was in fact, happier without them. And opening up wasn’t easy, so Rissa just shut themself out and dove deeper and deeper into that pool of superficial bliss that had them surrounded ever since their ex had gotten them into drugs. It was easier than voicing their concerns, right? Yes, because whenever they wanted to speak, no one was there to listen.

Jordan really hated to be a buzzkill and they knew there was a time and place for everything. But they couldn’t keep shrugging things off when they felt this concerned. Especially when Rissa insinuated that they and Shawn didn’t care. “Babe? I can tell when something is wrong. And the only pretending that’s happening is you saying everything is perfect.” Jordan reached up as if adjusting Rissa’s hair but really used it as more of an excuse to get a better look at them. They recalled them saying they didn’t like pills at the last party. And they were definitely high on something now. Should they offer to join them, so that they could keep an eye on them? Should they keep pushing? This absolutely sucked, because they didn’t want Rissa to pull away anymore than they already had but they also didn’t want them to get hurt. Jordan bit their lip in a moment of hesitation. Rissa’s safety was more important. “What did you take?”

“Isn’t it what I’ve gotten so great at, though?” Rissa smirked, sarcasm dripping from the corner of their lips as they looked at Jordan and practically swatted their hand away from Rissa’s blue-haired wig. Had they been sober, they wouldn’t be caught dead saying those things, opening that Pandora box in such way, but there they were. “Mommy doesn’t care, daddy has another family, lil Jordan has a boyfriend, lil Shawn has a boyfriend and I’m nothing but a burden to everyone so why not keep pretending that everything’s perfect?” They shrugged, still unable to wipe off the smirk from their lips. “You wanna know the best part though?” They asked as they leaned their weight back on their heels and twirled around, unafraid of causing another accident. “I think I have feelings for you? Isn’t that stupid? Why would anyone like you give two shits about a mess like me?” They laughed dryly, shaking their head again at Jordan’s question. “Eh... a little bit of this, a little bit of that... pretty much a bunch of everything. I can’t feel my tongue, so that’s fun!” They giggled. “Can I have drinks now, dad?”

“Because people care and they want to make sure you’re not hurt. Have you tripped more than once…?” It seemed like such an odd thing to say, and Jordan wasn’t sure how to interpret it. Nor were they sure how to interpret this side of Rissa. The sort of short and snappy responses. It wasn’t like them. And now, there really wasn’t any hiding their concern for the other. Jordan’s face was a dead giveaway, smile quickly fading. “We can… continue with the partying.” Their words came out more mumbled than anything. Forced. No real truth behind them other than trying to cheer them up. “…what happened? Was it something I did?” Jordan didn’t necessarily think that. They just knew something was off. And maybe if they tried to put the blame on themselves, it wouldn’t seem like Jordan was prying so much. That maybe Rissa would be more willing to say something.

“I’m fine.” Rissa repeated once again, this time with a tired eyeroll because they were, in fact, tired. Of pretty much everything, but that was beside the point. They were tired and angry and pretty much frustrated, especially at Jordan, but they didn’t understand exactly why--nor would they pay enough attention to whatever it was that they were feeling at the moment. “No, nothing happened. Nothing happened, you did nothing. Everything is perfect. Can we please have some fun? Otherwise I’m just going to bail because I don’t want to stand here and listen to you and Shawn acting like you care. So I need drinks. Plural.”

“You want me to be happy by pushing me away and disappearing from my life? How’s that supposed to work? Please enlighten me because I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about” Shawn was getting pissed, which was probably not the best attitude to have in a moment like this, but he was frustrated and he finally had the chance to take everything out off his chest and just explode, which again, wasn’t the smartest move. “What did you take?” Shawn asked, annoyed at how Rissa seemed to take everything to lightly. “You know, go, have fun, do whatever the fuck you want, I’m not gonna keep chasing someone who obviously doesn’t care, you got my number, call me when you’re done being a bitch”

“You’re not in the mood? Babe, you’ve been avoiding me for weeks now, if I hadn’t ran against you right now chances were I wouldn’t know anything about you in months, so excuse me for throwing a fit, I’m amused that you care so little” Because they were not just friends, they were soulmates, and that meant something for Shawn, but apparently, to Rissa it didn’t matter anymore. “Exactly, I don’t know anything because you keep pushing me away. Is it because I started dating? Because if it is then we need to talk about it, not keep running away from it. I need to know what you think, what you feel, I would never do anything that would break us apart but it looks like you’re already decided to keep me away” Shawn argued. If he had to choose it would break his heart, he knew that already. “For once things are not about me? Rissa, you’re being really unfair, really fucking unfair” Not because their friendship was about Rissa all the time, but he had been the most supportive friend of the world and now Rissa was dismissing all of their history together. “Because you’re breaking my heart, that’s why I can’t have fun tonight”

Larissa sighed again. They were so tired of everything... and it all felt so overwhelming. Now they were standing in the middle of a stranger’s party, arguing with Shawn and it felt so strange. “Here you go... making everything about yourself again...” They scoffed. “No, Shawn. This has nothing to do with you and your boyfriend. Actually--it does have to do with you two and the reason why I’ve been ghosting you is because I want you to be happy and enjoy that part of your life, so excuse me for trying.” Sure, it wasn’t the best way of doing so, but still... “Stop being so dramatic. If you hadn’t seen me, you’d be having fun with Jackson. I don’t want to waste a good party because you want to stand here and talk about things. It’s a party, the music is loud, I’m high as a kite and I don’t want to keep shouting over the music. Let’s.talk.later.”