post-workout thoughts

Another great workout. We did these weird things called 'wall crawls' that I know I didn't do properly. Getting into an almost-handstand position against a wall kind of freaked me out. Kyle encouraged me to just do my best, which I did. I found myself wanting to go back and practice weird moves like wall crawls and so on, to just keep practicing until I get good at it. I have a preoccupation with the concept of mastery. My book, The Creative Process Diet, revolves around the concept of self-mastery. I began thinking a lot about mastery during my post-doc, while I was studying posttraumatic stress disorder in depth. I realized that mastery is the solution to pretty much everything. Not absolutely everything, but it is a key concept that is at the center of our existence. The idea of civilization is to impose or facilitate mastery. I remember when I was in elementary school, and we had just moved to St. George, Utah -- a place where sports was everything -- I had a friend named Grant. He and the other local kids who'd had years of immersion in this sports-saturated society were way ahead of me. Add to that the fact that I had a gentle, polite demeanor, and felt that it would be un-Christlike of me to grab a ball out of someone's hands and . . . you get the picture. I got used to getting picked last for all the teams. But Grant and I would hang out and play ball, and he was really good. I remember one day he explained to me that all you had to do was just practice, over and over, keep practicing, over and over. He showed me little things he did with the basketball to practice this a way and that a way. Just repetition, just keep practicing, just put the time in. Just keep practicing. So I did. I kept practicing at every sport. Then, in the 5th grade, we would play soccer at every recess. All of a sudden something began to happen, and there was no clear explanation for it: I began scoring every goal. It didn't matter whose team I was on. If I was on your team, you would win, because I would be the one scoring all the goals. Suddenly I went from being the last one picked to the first. I remember there were two alpha males, Yale and Steve, who would conspire to be team captains together and immediately pick me first. This did wonders for my self-esteem. And for some weird reason, I never feared that I might not perform. I just kept showing up, Yale and Steve would punt the ball over to me, and into the goal it would go. Over and over again. It was weird. I think everyone was like, what the . . . ? I certainly felt that way too, but I wasn't complaining. One day I made so many goals my classmates lifted me up onto their shoulders and carried me back to the classroom at the end of recess. A true hero. The whole thing is kind of funny actually, but naturally . . . I love it. Who doesn't love being admired and celebrated by others? I think that experience implanted in me an appreciation of mastery. An appreciation of the fact that all you have to do is just keep showing up, keep trying, keep practicing, keep going. Don't overthink it, don't worry, don't even necessarily expect success or any specific outcome on your own timetable . . . Just keep going and then watch and see what happens. That's a basic premise in The Creative Process Diet. Focus on the things that deserve to be focused on, and forget about the rest. Spend the majority of your time simply enjoying life. Give yourself over to a process in which your desired outcomes materialize on their own, through the deeper workings of the creative process. And then just relax and enjoy life in the here and now.

These are 'post-workout thoughts' -- sometimes they are about working out and fitness, sometimes they are about other things, such as the divine mystery and everyday life. For me, all of these things are interconnected. Lately I've been puzzling over how to create an ideal morning ritual that feels good, that gets me feeling connected to my life potential, that inspires me and gets me excited about all the possibilities of the day. Last weekend I watched a bunch of YouTube videos about morning rituals, and so many of them were unappealing to me. There wasn't enough pleasure in them. I am all for goals, in fact I am completely about goals, but for me the journey of getting to the goal itself needs to feel good. Yes I want to get to the pot of gold, but I want my head to be filled with the rainbow all the way to the endpoint. So for me, I like to feel that I am waking up each day to a luxurious palette of delights. I like to work hard and keep a rigorous schedule and so on, but punctuating the journey with gratuitous rewards is essential. And yes, I mean gratuitous. Rewards don't always need to be earned. I can be good to myself simply because I am a child of God and I'm worth it (and when I refer to God, I am referring to the I am that I am, the divine mystery that transcends all of the divisions created by humankind). So yeah. I need a good morning ritual. Two things that I added to my morning ritual today -- things that I have had in my morning ritual in the past, but haven't included during the past few weeks -- are (a) a few moments of affirmation-prayer, followed by (b) listening to the news (or some kind of radio program, music, etc.) while getting ready. Lately I've just been getting right out of bed, brushing my teeth, etc., etc., blah blah blah. Not a very inspiring way to start the day. I came up with a new way to approach affirmation-prayer a couple days ago while hiking on some beautiful mountains near Mesquite, Nevada. I was with my brother and cousins, but for part of the time I was by myself, and this new idea came to me. It can be done either as an out-loud affirmation-prayer, or as a writing exercise. I have done both, and have found it to be very powerful both ways. You begin by thinking of a goal, something you want to achieve, something you would like to have the universe deliver to you. Then you say or write, 'If I had __________ [fill in the desired outcome], I would be ____________' and then you ramble on about all of the things that you would be doing, experiencing, feeling, etc., if this specific desired outcome were to come to fruition. What I like about this type of affirmation is that it does not deny the fact that the desired outcome has not yet materialized. Yet at the same time, it creates a situation in which the psyche spontaneously makes a leap of faith between the current situation and the situation as we would like it to be. What I have loved about doing this is that it really helps me to visualize myself experiencing my desired outcomes. I feel all of the emotions of the desired outcomes, simply by completing this exercise. Is it obvious by now that I am intrigued by the law of attraction? I don't agree with everything everyone says about 'the' law of attraction, but I have applied many of the basic concepts in my life, and this new practice is a very satisfying way -- actually a very fun way -- for me to see and experience my desired outcomes. This practice often turns into a conversation with God, and it fills me with love and hope. It is my way of asking everything in the universe to conspire in my favor. Probably the most important thing it accomplishes is that it gets me conspiring in my own favor. Becoming the protagonist in my own life. So then the other thing I did this morning was I listened to the news while getting ready. The only reason I haven't done this during the past few weeks is that I have been in Utah visiting family, and when I am traveling I don't always maintain all of my regular rituals. But there was something very powerful about listening to the news this morning. I say 'the' news, but obviously there are many versions of 'the' news out there, and that's part of the fun of listening to it -- figuring out who's saying what, and why. When I don't listen to the news, I become disconnected from the larger narratives that we share as a species. I become too internal, too wrapped up in my own little dramas. Listening to the news -- or, I should say, listening to news from various sources -- gives me new ideas, inspires me, connects me with all the other people out there. There are so many people on the earth today, and I love the idea of us all becoming more interconnected. I don't know exactly how this is to happen, but I want to be a part of it. I would love to meet every person on the planet. Wouldn't that be fun? To visit every culture, to share a meal with everyone, to see all the natural beauty and all the sacred sites all over the world. A few years ago I had the honor of accompanying Dr. Judy Kuriansky on a trip to Thailand and Singapore, and visiting the holy sites in Thailand just blew my mind. You might see photos of such structures, but until you see them in person . . . the emotions, the thoughts, the feelings of mystery and magic that came over me as I experienced those sites. Wow. Three years ago I visited the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe. It was an experience that changed the whole course of my life. It led me to art school, to writing the book I really wanted to write deep down inside (The Creative Process Diet). I feel good today.

I didn't work out yesterday because I went on a very fun outdoor expedition near Mesquite, Nevada, with one of my brothers and two of my cousins. It was a gorgeous and inspiring day. I love hiking and other such outdoor type stuff. When I woke up this morning I didn't want to go in for a CrossFit workout, but I did it anyway. And it was one rough workout. I felt I was pushing myself to my limit. I had to stop a couple times. But I kept on. During the workout I thought, I'm not enjoying this. Which, I suppose, is the point. But now I feel amazing. Endorphins all over the place. Swimming in a sea of endorphins. Sigh.

Great workout today. I don't know that I have ever in my life not felt good after working out. It doesn't mean all my troubles go away completely, it's just that after working out, all the troubles feel manageable. They feel less like 'troubles,' and more like tasks. I am happiest when I am actively engaged in doing something.

I was secretly kind of hoping CrossFit Dixie would be closed today for Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but when I checked their website and saw they were open, I had no excuse to not go in for a workout. Isn't it funny that I resist something that ALWAYS makes me feel good? I guess this is the paradox of fitness. It always makes me feel good, and I almost always seem to resist it. That's why I have fantasies about living in some kind of a fitness cult sanctuary, so I can just wake up every day right there in the middle of the workout floor. Anyway . . . I feel very good right now. I'll most likely be heading back to NYC in less than two weeks from now. My new job most likely won't start until March, but I need to have a few weeks before that to work on some tasks for my publishing company. It will be good, but I'm not looking forward to being away from family. But I know I will be back, hopefully before too long.

Aww yeah I feel so good. What a great way to start a Saturday. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I have a very strange, dissociated kind of feeling. I usually have very odd dreams, which I suppose suggests the fact that I am living a very odd life in a very odd universe. And yet it all makes sense in the context of these odd dreams I have. I suppose in waking life we like to simplify things, whereas in our dreams we face the inescapable mystery of all that is. Anyhoo, what a relief it was then to depart from all of this existential hullabaloo and step into CrossFit Dixie, where I met Quinn, the one trainer I hadn't yet met. Gosh he was so nice, just like all the others. He is a stickler for good form, which I very much appreciated. I enjoyed learning the proper movements, and I enjoyed the satisfaction of executing them properly. Being at the 'box,' as CrossFit gyms are called in CrossFit-speak, felt great. Also I am realizing that while I do love CrossFit, I am not completely devoted to it. What I love is working out in a classroom-type scenario that involves training with weights and building strength. Yesterday I discovered (online) a place in NYC called Mark Fisher Fitness, which is not a CrossFit gym but still includes the basic things I'm looking for. What I'm looking for most basically is to join a cult. I enjoyed working out solo for several years, based on the excellent Body-for-LIFE program, but I am a social animal, and let's face it . . . fitness is spiritual. And social spiritual experiences are very important for the soul. There are times when I treasure my solitude, especially for creative purposes, but deep down inside I just want to love. I want to love everyone. I wish I could hug everyone I see, several times a day. I feel we need more cults in the world. Cults in and of themselves are not inherently bad. What is bad is when cults abuse and manipulate people, and make people feel badly about themselves. And there are certainly many cults that do that kind of stuff. But we can't just throw out cults altogether. 'Cause otherwise we're all just a bunch of lone wolves wandering around crying out in the night. And then all the cults that are abusive and manipulative end up retaining all the power. Ah well then. The dreams I have are very magical. I believe in God because of my dreams. It is in my dreams that I have met Christ and become acquainted with him personally. And yet he gives me no easy answers, as badly as I want them. My dreams are more like art than anything else. That is why I love art so much. Art doesn't offer easy answers. Art is dreaming in waking life. It is manifesting God in waking life. Last weekend I attended a service at a place here in St. George called the Center for Spiritual Living. I am surprised I had never encountered it before, because many of the basic concepts are what I believe, e.g., God is inside us, God can be called by many different names, separateness is an illusion, love is what matters more than anything else, etc. I really enjoyed it. I find that I never want to commit myself to these kinds of groups, yet I love visiting their services from time to time. I sometimes think that maybe one day I will create a spiritual sanctuary of some sort. Maybe something based around fitness and diet, as well as meditation, etc., but most of all based around love. Love is more important to me than anything else. I would never claim that I embody love perfectly or anywhere near perfectly, but in my heart I hold love at the center of everything.

Good workout today. I got a little confused about what we were doing, but I just looked around and followed what others seemed to be doing. I feel good. There are a lot of things I could blab about right now, but sometimes blabbing feels pointless. Been there, done that. Sometimes I just want to get on with my day, get on with my work. Work is my utopia and my salvation.

Ah, what can I say? The alarm went off at 4:40 a.m. this morning, I stood up, I looked around for a moment . . . I glanced at the bed. 'I want to go back to bed,' I thought. I flicked off the lamp and crawled back into bed. It felt good for a minute. I slept for another two hours. It wasn't really a restful sleep. As I laid there I ruminated about what to do. Should I just consider today an 'off' day and not go work out? I knew I could always go to a later CrossFit class (i.e., later on today). I decided to consider it an off day. I got up and started working. Then after a while I decided to check the CrossFit Dixie schedule. I saw I could make it to the 9 a.m. class. I realized: I really want to go to that class. I was craving it. The perfectionist in me felt like a chump for not having made it to 'the first class of the day' at 5:15 a.m. But I got over that. I was just happy I was going in to work out. With the sun shining bright overhead. Not as thrilling as slipping out under the moonlight, but hey, I'll take what I can get. I always feel a little antsy right when I walk in, but as soon as I started warming up I felt a spiritual connectedness. I was so happy I was there. One of my dreams is to create some kind of a place -- akin to a monastery -- where it is inevitable that anyone who lives there and goes through the daily routine will get into great shape. We would all eat healthy food together, work out together, go on hikes, walks, etc. Maybe some people would stay for a while, others would stay for a few years, some would stay there until death (me). There's a place near St. George that everyone used to call the 'fat farm,' and from what I hear there are other such places sprouting up. These kinds of places are in the spirit of what I'm talking about. Except that I would want it to be more explicitly a spiritual sanctuary. Anyway. The workout was great today, very intense. By the end I was completely exhausted. I struggled to complete the final push-ups. I did my best.

Another day . . . another workout. Alarm went off at 4:40 a.m. this morning. I stepped out of bed, pulled the sheets up over the pillow, and then looked at the bed for a moment. For a moment there I wanted to crawl back into the bed. Instead I went and got ready and went to CrossFit. Part of my motivation is that I love the feeling of being there for the first class of the day. I love going and feeling part of something that feels hardcore -- hardcore in that we're all waking up super early to get there. The workout today was very challenging. I told myself, don't overthink it. Just finish it. If you have to lower the weight, if you have to stop and take breaks, if you can't complete every movement with perfect form -- don't stress out over it. The important thing is that I just showed up. Anyone who shows up there is going to get a great workout in. One thing I love about CrossFit is that it gives the participant a deep sense of accomplishment. What I am expected to do in CrossFit is very clear, distinct, and succinct: Complete the workout of the day (WOD). Last night I was walking through Wal-Mart and I noticed I felt both relaxed and also highly receptive to all the stimuli around me. Working out doesn't entirely slay all of my discomfort, but it certainly makes me feel good and makes life feel a lot more manageable.

Tuesday morning. Worked out at 5:15 a.m. again. All day yesterday I knew I wanted to work out again today, again at 5:15 a.m. I looked forward to it all day yesterday. But then in the evening, I got to feeling nervous about it again. I don't know exactly what I mean by 'nervous'. Maybe 'avoidant' is a better word. No, because I don't want to avoid it. Here's a better word -- 'aroused'. I began feeling aroused about it. As in, when I go to bed knowing that I can sleep in as late as I want the next morning, there's a certain feeling of, I can just completely let go and relax myself into this experience. But when I know the alarm is going to be calling me out of bed at 4:40 a.m., the entire vibe of bedtime is different. It feels more like, okay, let me rest here for a brief little moment before I get up to go attend this very satisfying early-early morning ritual. So I went to bed and had a dream about my book, The Creative Process Diet, in which I had a copy printed and shipped to me, and discovered that the printer had messed up the cover in all kinds of different ways. Things were out of alignment, some of the printed letters were handwritten, even the title itself had been changed. At 4:40 the alarm went off, and I wasn't thrilled to hear it, but I thought, well there it is. I stood up, got ready, and drove to CrossFit Dixie. I will admit that the moment when the alarm went off was an unpleasant moment, but it was all downhill from there. When I pulled into the CrossFit Dixie parking lot, I felt nervous as usual. I saw people in there moving around doing various things and thought, um okay . . . so where do I fit into all of this? Visually -- at the level of the retina -- it looks overwhelming, but I just walk into the middle of it, and it always works itself out. The person who is in charge always finds me, or I find that person, and everything flows. Today Stacey led the process, I met her last week and she is super nice like everyone else I have met there. By the end I am drenched in sweat and feeling amazing. I drove back to the house, and even right now at this very moment the sun has not yet come up. I'm going to be putting in my eight hours of work today, and I will finish in the early afternoon, which means I will have plenty of time to play video games, hang out, and enjoy the day.

Interesting. I woke up at 4:40 a.m., got ready, drove to the new CrossFit Dixie location (they relocated this past weekend), and attended my first regular class workout at 5:15 a.m. I began fantasizing about doing this last week. I looked at the schedule and saw that the 5:15 class is the first one. I thought, I want to be there early for the very first class of the day. I don't know, there's just a certain appeal to the idea. I set my alarm to wake up at 4:40 a.m. today, though last night I was half expecting that I wouldn't want to get out of bed that early. Well, after some very vivid dreams, I heard the alarm at 4:40 and hopped right out of bed. But for a moment there I thought I didn't want to go. It's not that I was tired. I just didn't want to go. But I did want to go. I did and I didn't. I felt a little nervous. It was my first regular class, nobody was expecting me there, what would happen? I told myself, just show up. Someone will be there to guide you through. Just tell them it's your first regular class. Let them worry about what happens from there. I wasn't feeling too excited, but I quickly brushed my teeth, got dressed, and departed. It was a beautiful rainy morning. Beautiful reflections of the moonlight on surfaces all around me as I drove. When I drive around in St. George, I always put the radio on 'scan' until I hear a song I like. So the radio was scanning all the stations, and it seemed there was a cheerful, fist-pumping song on every station. Like we were all waking up together and starting our day together. A sadness came over me as I thought about my desire to belong, to feel that I am a part of something. My brothers and I have been going on hikes to look at petroglyphs, and I've been thinking about what it would be like to be part of a tribe. I feel like I've belonged to lots of different tribes over the years, it seems that life is continually changing and evolving. I guess that's good in some ways. The grass is always greener on the other side. So when I pulled into CrossFit Dixie a few minutes before 5:15 a.m., there were lots of cars in the parking lot. I felt intimidated. All these people. I went in and a couple people smiled at me. I scanned the room looking for an instructor, and saw Kade. I wasn't expecting him to be there so early. He greeted me in his always friendly way and I immediately felt right at home. I felt a little clueless about what was happening as the class evolved, but it all worked out and I had a great workout. Oh, also, the first song that was playing when I first went in was 'Love Will Find You.' A corny song that I absolutely love. I saw Brock, he was the instructor who led me through my third and final introductory workout last week. I met a couple new people. I felt alive being there. I learned a couple new exercises. There's nothing really all that complicated about the whole thing, I'm realizing. Yes there is an order to the process, and exercises need to be done in their proper form, but -- you have no idea how intimidated I feel about pretty much anything before I just dive in and get started. Nothing in life is all that complicated.

CrossFit workout # 3 completed. Deep breath. Ahhhhhhh. Yeah, that feels good. Realized I don't need to bash traditional weight training just because I am currently infatuated with CrossFit. Gosh, there are so many things on my mind. I am thinking of these blog posts as kind of a reward for a completed workout. Kind of a reward, more of a ritual actually. I felt a tension all day today prior to my 6 p.m. workout -- my 'WOD' (workout of [the] day, in CrossFit-speak). I've been feeling nervous. Nervous that I won't remember all the moves, the terminology, the exercises, etc. But each time I go in, everything goes fine. Someone is always there to guide me through the process. And as I'm leaving, I always feel I just ingested the best drug I've ever tried. 'Cause I'm still high right now. And the high only deepens as the hours go on. There ain't no crash. Eventually I may get a little antsy again, nothing another WOD won't cancel out. I once came up with the phrase 'the slaying of all discomfort' to describe how I feel after a great, intense workout.

Day 2 of CrossFit. Totally, completely, utterly exhausted. Feels like some dragon somewhere inside me has been slain. I felt good when I got to the CrossFit gym. I had been on my butt all day working on my laptop, so it was nice to get out, be around other people, listening to intense music, moving my body. I did some of the same warm-up and stretch stuff from yesterday, then learned some new things. Began worrying that I won't remember how everything works, but keep telling myself: That's the beauty of working out with an instructor -- all I have to do is just show up, and I will be guided through the process. Some of the moves were difficult for me, and I felt frustrated by that. I hated that feeling of not having enough strength and wanting to have the strength to perform a given feat. I like CrossFit so much more than regular old-fashioned weight lifting, which I am beginning to think of as robotic and machine-like. CrossFit is about moving the body as a whole. Anyway -- I got very, very tired (just like yesterday) during the workout. I had to stop and rest at times, and felt (like I said above) slain. Last night it was only Kade and me in the gym, whereas tonight I went earlier, and there were lots of people all around. I feel like this is a very boring blog post. I guess that's good. I'm in a very bored, empty-mind state right now. 'Empty mind' as in my thoughts have been cleared and I feel centered, serene, euphoric, and relaxed.

I just got back from my first CrossFit workout. I feel amazing. I had a million things I wanted to say, but I put most of that energy into actually creating the blog. I only learned about CrossFit a few days ago. I was making a list of fitness blogs for the purpose of finding people who might be interested in writing about the book I published a few months ago, The Creative Process Diet. I started noticing people mentioning CrossFit . . . my curiosity was piqued. I started watching YouTube videos about it. I started asking people about it. I heard people refer to CrossFit as a cult . . . that only added to my curiosity and interest. Do you have any idea how deeply I want to feel like I belong to something? I've been lifting weights and doing cardio workouts off and on for several years now, and while I always enjoy working out and going to the gym, there is a loneliness about going to the gym and working out there on my own. I may have an occasional 'hello' here and there, but in general when I go to the gym I feel painfully alone. If anything I feel an unpleasant tension with others when I am at the gym: Is someone going to be on the machine I want to use? Stuff like that. Life in New York City is lonely enough as it is. I love the idea of doing something fitness-oriented that is also social. But before now I haven't been interested in classes. Most classes seem to put the majority of the emphasis on cardio. But CrossFit includes weight training, yet in a way that feels more human (compared to traditional weight training). The movements in CrossFit feel more human. I still don't know a lot about it, but what I do know is that I am already obsessed. That's what's annoying about people who get into CrossFit, right? They get obsessed with it and talk about it all the time. But what's wrong with that? I love it when people get turned on inside by something they're into, especially when it's something that is so good for the body and the soul. So I researched all the CrossFit locations in St. George, Utah (where I am staying with family for a few weeks, before I start my new job at Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn), and decided on CrossFit Dixie. I went there this morning and was greeted by the kindest man you'll ever meet, Kade Boyer. He said I could enroll in a three-session introductory course for $20 -- first class tonight (Monday), second class tomorrow (Tuesday), and third class on Thursday. I told him I'm heading back to NYC soon, and he assured me he would work out a prorated deal for me to work out while I'm in town. Everything about this felt right, so I signed up for the introductory sessions. I came back to my parents' house and worked for a few hours, and to be honest I started feeling really nervous about going in for my first workout. I was excited about it though, and kept telling myself, just show up and Kade will be there to walk me through the whole thing. I showed up at 7:30 p.m., and Kade said a couple other people had cancelled, so it was just me. I got a 1:1 training session and actually felt kind of guilty about how little I had paid for it. Kade showed me a few different things, and I was beginning to feel a little tired, and then he said we would soon start the workout part. What? I thought we were already working out! I didn't say that, of course, I just went with the flow. As I got into the workout I began to dig it. I liked feeling my body burn up a little bit. But then it started getting really intense. I had to stop and rest here and there, because I was getting very exhausted very quickly. I kept on at it, but it was a struggle. And to be honest, I have been craving a real physical struggle for several days now. Too much nervous energy and too many annoying negative and nihilistic thoughts. But once I was actually in that physical struggle in the CrossFit session, I wasn't craving it at all. I was fighting with myself to keep going, and I loved being in that fight and continuing on with it. It wasn't like life-or-death type intense, but it was intense. Kade encouraged me to stop and rest, get a drink of water, as often as I needed to. I did that, but I really wanted to push on, which I did . . . and then I finished. And then in the next few moments I began to feel kind of funny. I felt light headed. I felt high. I thought I might throw up, but I didn't. Kade was chatting with me, and I felt like I was mentally talking to him from some other planet. I felt really good. I pictured myself melting into a puddle on the ground. As I got into the car and drove home, I immediately decided I would start this blog. I'm not actually on the floor, and I don't need to be peeled off of it, but . . . I feel grounded. I feel serene. I feel worked out. I worked a lot of the crap out of me. I feel kind of an empty kind of ecstasy. I'm already kind of nervous about my next session tomorrow, but whatever. Just show up. Kade will be there to guide me through.