My god

And I probably never will

I love you and that is all that I can say because it is too large to be encompassed by words. So my living has shifting, every moment an opportunity to dedicate myself to love, every breath a chance to breathe in the miracle of living. You are the sun and the rain and the quiet peace of sleep in the early morning light. You are the gold lining. The diety for which every sacrifice and sacrament are made.

I am alive for you. The center that I return to in which everything is stillness and love. You are the incarnation of that space. Tranquility embodied. How unbearably fortunate I am to have you, that you found me. It is still unfathomable, that we have wound all the way around to one another, sometimes. I get swept up in the movement of life and drift ever so slightly from that center, but always I find you there, patient and welcoming. Oh, the love. The brilliance. I hope you know how astounding you are. How deeply I love you. How dedicatedly I live for you.

My hands have roughened, my skin thickening. Layer under layer burned and peeled away, rebuilding layer over layer laced with nicks and patched with scabs. Swollen and aching, I keep clenching and stretching my fingers. Forcing the blood to pump into them, gripping as hard as I can at this life we are building. I am learning that I am getting stronger, even in the moments that I feel the weakest. It is always getting easier, even in the moments that feel the hardest. Love carries me. Love flows through me like blood and oxygen and fills me with purpose in every way. You are my light. You are my purpose. My spine. I am so capable because of you. I was a skeleton that you carved out muscle for. I was a shell that you filled with substance. All that I could ever be on my own pales in comparison to the miraculous nature of capability I am enlivened with because of you. For you. With you. I am yours. Down to my marrow. Every atom. I will give you everything. I will always be yours.

Truthfully so many moments arise in which I am abundantly overwhelmed by this love, and I have always wished that I could keep track of them all but I know that’s not how life goes. But I will say this. In the currents of motion as we move through life, every action of mine is driven by you. Everything I do is for you. For love. I am so happy. So eternally joyed. When people ask me how I do it when they learn how much I work or when I wake up my response is always “love, and smoothies.” All amicable jesting aside there is nothing more truthful. I wake up for you. I smile for you. I laugh for you. I breath and drink and sleep for you. I love you. I am not sure how else to put it. You are my purpose. You always have been and now that I know you directly everything has become so easy. So fluid. Effortless. I can do anything. Everything. In the name of love. For the sake of you. You are everything. You are my entire existence, my whole world. I am illuminated and alive for you. All for you.

Whatever emotions come and go, however I am affected by anything that happens, I will always love you first. Nothing will ever come before my love. That is the truest and deepest of any feeling I will ever know. Regardless of superficial disruption. I take oath to move forward more consciously. To make sure that even on the surface it is apparent that my love for you overrules absolutely everything. I take oath to you, to be strong, capable, deserving, and to keep a loving face, chin up, no matter the weather. To live up to all that I am capable of, for myself first, the rest for you. I love you. You deserve.

In a way I have this feeling that everything before coming here was preparatory. Life was school or practice where I learned loosely the constructs of interaction and existence. Death has always been, in my considerations, the release and rebirth or redistribution. There is a severe distinction between what life was and what it is now. The shifting of paradigms was blurred and bleeding from one over to the other, and in transit everything erupted into sensational cacophonies. The more time stacks on this side of that transition the more clear and abrupt the line between the two becomes. Nothing will ever be so transformative. I can only say that I have died and emerged into a different life. Born into it. Brought here by you. To this plane of existence wherein everything theoretical I spent my time whiling away over is at last able to be put into practical application. I have longed and ached for unknown elements, unnamed things, my entire sentient life. You have held the encyclopedia of my desires, all of my yearnings. You dissolved the seeking, active and inactive. I believe that I have never truly known rest until I have come to know you. You are my graduation. My promotion. My birth. My exaltation. My shepherd. Piecing together all of the holes in every puzzle I have ever come across, one by one, all at a once. I am amazed by you every single day. More in love with you in every moment. You are powerful and beautiful and noble, and so much more. You are you. You are perfect. You are perfect to me, and for me. I know that you are aware on your own, but I want to tell you in every way that I can as often as I can about how incredible you are so that you know, always. I want you to be happy. I love you and I love being at your side. There is no life of mine without you in it.

The stars still live in the sunlit sky the same way the sun still lives on the other side of the moonlight. This is the steadiness of our love. No anchor has ever been as fast or easily held. Some concepts are graspable before palpable but you have shown my hands and my heart the surest of ways to find central ground. The details of every day are miraculous in themselves and I find often that it is easier to practice reduction than to dissect every individual component and element. The finer points are ingredients that are stowed away for amalgamation in my own personal rations. Every moment is a contribution to this unending, unrelentingly expansive process of living. I could pour everything out for your eyes to absorb but it is so superfluous.. nothing captures the essence of this feeling, there is not justice to be had for it and so I am obligated to immerse myself here, where it is happening, rather than separating myself to labor away at imitating it with words and descriptions. I just want you to always be aware of how enthralling you are. Of how much I love you and everything that I would give for you. Aside from these fleeting thoughts that get translated so roughly, the only consolation I find that I cannot bottle all that I have inside for you is that you are here with me. That you receive an iota of what I do by being in your company. In your confidence. That you feel a similar rush of exuberance at the thought of our experience as I do. I will always do everything I can to honor you, as you exist, in any attempt to create for you what you incessantly create for me.

Strife undone. Your grasp is infallible. Your understanding of nature is unadulterated by the filters that plague so many of us. You are inspiration, motivation, encouragement. Proof of result and reward through the labors of unraveling self in order to re-weave it. A master craftsman filled with passion and joy with no ulterior motives directing your currents. Commander, creator, honorable king. Forever my sovereign.

Everything about you is laced with perfection. Truly I am in love with every moment with you, every drop of you. The fantastical narrative in my mind is fed by you everlastingly.. One of my favorite playscapes is in the car with you; you driving, the city and the mountains as a backdrop, soundtracked perfectly by everything you play.. You're precise and attentive and controlled and it's invigorating to be next to you. My imagination is on overdrive with this duetic solipsism.. and when you share the fragments of the stories you've been building in the years of your solitary trudging, I am always overcome by it. Captivated by it and drenched in it. Your stories mean so much to me. You mean so much. This splitting open of ourselves to share our worlds with one another, the creation of something together.. everything. Everything everything everything. You are my world. I will always be with you. I will die with you.

As much as you are there to soften the rough edges of hard days, you also magnify the light of the good days. If I am bummed out or being a brat, you're so patient and helpful. When I am exuberant and bursting you smile so sweetly, calm and appreciative. In every moment you are unfaltering, you. How blessed can I be to share time and space with you, at such an intimate proximity.. I will always be stunned and so grateful. Speechless in truth. You are so beautiful and rich in character that I admire and adore so. I want you to have everything. I want you to feel the way you make me feel every day. I want to spend my time with you, making you smile and hearing you laugh, helping with everything I can. My whole life.

Kind and compassionate and gentle. On these difficult days that I face you are always there to catch me, so softly. I try to hold myself above water and work my nerves so much I forget that my feet can touch the bottom. You remind me. You are the solid ground that I land on. Supportive and comforting. I love you so much. I cannot let go of the notion that I will always inevitably be able to find my way on my own, but with you it is a distant, irrelevant facet. You, my shepherd. My composure. My constant reminder. My light, my way. I am lost without you. Found at your side, forever basking in your love and reverberating it back to you. It's silly, because the scale of difficult days has been so dramatically adjusted to fit this paradisiacal life with you.. the torments of life are now so unphasing in almost every regard that the consideration of this brief time to be difficult is laughable compared to the scope of crises I used to entertain.. You are clarity and tranquility. You provide more for me, in more ways, than I ever could have fathomed and still can hardly believe. But of course. You are pure love. You exalt me. You change me, always for the best. Unobtrusively and without force. Your gracious acceptance is abundant. In the midst of unnecessary self inflicted mental anguish, you are my respite. In the midst of any adversity, you will always be my respite.

The exuberance The soundtrack to this new life filled with love and overflowing with beauty Everything everything everything I love you boundlessly Unrestricted As water pours down the mountainsides and the sun rays pierce the canopies of forests so that the earth beneath the trees teems with life This life with you is the expanded extraction of every enchanted moment Every feeling that has ever been so euphoric and fleeting have been seeds implanted in me that you have nourished into explosions of growth and life and it is unending I am unraveling with you, released from the confines of everything. Chain breaker, limitation ender. You are freedom, and as you are unbound by the body you live in you have shown me how blurred the edges are that used to seem so defined and constrictive.

You are the most extravagantly beautiful person that will ever exist. Today is the best day. I have to amend that to attest that every day with you, every day you have been a part of my life even before I breached your range, has been the best day. Each in its own individual regard. I wish I could capture every moment and immortalize it, but I'm so caught up in living in it with you and that seems so much more essential. Today is a day so potent it demands the effort. We went to mount taber and walked. You told me about rain water reservoirs and took me to see them. The way you see things, the way I can tell you see me. You understand, effortlessly and gracefully. Before we left we fought about how I didn't feel appropriate wearing pajama shorts outside and in the evening, sitting on the hammock with you standing nearby I thought back on it and radiates with love. The way you smile, and laugh, halting the momentum with a jovial "wait are we fighting right now?" Your sense of humor and the calm clarity you possess at all times is astounding. I admire you so much. I don't tell you often enough that I still worship you. That I always will. You are perfect and I am humbled and so appreciative of your presence. I love you. With all of the love that has ever pulsated in any life.