May we meet again.

this is gonna be a big old personal post, so if you’re gonna read it buckle up and prepare yourself.

so i left this account almost a year ago, due to the negativity on this website, as well as the negativity on my main account. but some people from school found my main account and i don’t want them to see this. 

for the past year and maybe more i have been so fucking confused about who i am and what i want. so basically, when i was a kid, i thought i was a boy. i would dress like a boy and whenever we’d play star wars and harry potter i would never be the girl, i was always luke and harry. when i pictured myself grown up i pictured myself as a boy. i finally got it through my head that I was a girl but i never liked dresses and dolls and pink and frills and all the normal stuff girls like. i was the biggest tomboy, and i remember during late elementary school i would dress as a boy and take out my brother’s bike and ride around the neighborhood, introducing myself as alex. i even convinced some of my friends to do this with me. 

the thing is, none of this ever felt “right” to me. i never felt like i was who i really was in boy’s clothes, and it never felt wrong in boy’s clothes either. it was like i was comfortable either way. like i could walk around in a dress somedays and a tux the next and be completely okay. it doesn’t make sense to me.

there are times when i look at people like shiloh jolie-pitt, who is known for identifying as a boy and dressing in boy’s clothes, and i catch myself thinking, “why can he do it and i can’t?” and it confuses the hell out of me because i want to grow up and become a mother and have a nice, normal fucking suburban life and yet on the other hand i want to cut off all my hair and wear boy’s clothes and not be judged for what i want to do. those two ideas completely contradict each other and it gets worse when i try to figure it out.

my brother came out as gay over the summer to me and my mother, and she accepted him and was completely supportive. my mother has since asked me if i wanted to be a boy and told me that it’s okay if i do, and yet i have no idea how to respond because it’s like sometimes i think i should be and other times i’m glad i’m not. i wish i could just tell her that no, i don’t want to be a boy, or yes, i do want to be a boy, because it would make things a whole lot easier for myself and everyone else.