someone: hey you seem like you’re not doing well i’m here if you want to talk

me:

This list includes signs I exhibited while being abused and afterwards, as well as signs I’ve seen other abused youth display, all of which are less commonly recognized for what they are: red flags in disguise. 

Being described as a “perfectionist” or having an extremely competitive attitude to the point of experiencing breakdowns if you are not “the best”

Developing a habit of locking the door to every room you enter, especially when at friends’ houses or your own home, or other places you would be expected to feel safe and welcome at

Excessive daydreaming or fantasizing which may be accompanied by restlessness, pacing, or listening to music, and will often last for hours at a time, and may interfere with daily functioning

Experiencing an inability to relate to your peers which may lead to you creating pseudo relationships or obsessions with fictional characters to replace your lack of social interaction

Refusing to look at yourself in mirrors in public, especially when buying new clothes or going into fitting rooms

Showering in the dark because you are ashamed of your body

Experiencing intense feelings of guilt when someone does something nice for you

Hyperfixation on a hobby such as drawing or writing, which is often used as an outlet and a way to escape the abuse

Purposely making yourself appear unattractive 

Being known as the shy or obedient child who never acts out

Possessing an unnatural amount of maturity for your age which many adults may have praised you for

Not knowing how to live, having an “I can survive with the bare minimums” mentality

Hoarding food or other objects in your room such as toiletries so you do not have to leave your room. This may be as severe as going to the bathroom in bottles or cans, or having months worth of dishes piled up around your room 

Having an anxiety attack if you’re woken up abruptly or if you wake up to loud noises in your house

Never experiencing sexual interest in others, never going through a “boy phase” or a “girl phase”; alternatively, being hypersexual 

Intrusive violent thoughts about small animals or children

Having no sense of belonging since you were a toddler, never feeling connected to your childhood town or house, and feeling alienated among your family members

it’s not a choice. i don’t choose to wake up and feel sad or do destructive things with myself. it happens and i have no control over it, although i’m trying to deal with it.

i’m not trying to gain attention. even if every person needs attention and support from people around them, when i express myself or show symptoms i’m not trying to be the center of attentions. most part of the time i’m only trying to vent or being victim of something i can’t control.

you don’t deserve a Nobel prize for taking me to therapists or psychiatrists. it’s awesome to receive support from my family, but doing things like taking me to doctors to help me manage my illness is nothing but your obligation as my family. i don’t owe you anything for it, so stop exhibiting yourself to make me feel guilty.

i won’t suddenly get better and sometimes i will get worse. i see your support, but it doesn’t make my illness disappear. getting better is not something linear, so maybe it will take time to make me feel better and sometimes i will get worse and that’s normal. don’t blame me for it.

don’t tell me to “react”. that’s one of the things that annoy me the most. people who are mentally ill know what they have to do, we are not dumb. most part of the time, we can’t do things you are asking us to do. it’s like telling someone who broke his leg to run.

don’t make me feel like i’m the villain. don’t tell me i’m hurting people around me for being so sad all the time. i know people get worried and sad about me and when you tell me these things it only makes me feel worse. again: I CANT CONTROL THIS SHIT.

that bpdfw 7.17.17