gather round tumblr itās time for a story about why you shouldnāt solicit conversation with a stranger with a put down about their generation
i sat down about 30 minutes ago in the lobby of a very nice hotel, intending to do some writing. i have my laptop and my cellphone. as i settled, i checked some stuff on my phone, then turned to my laptop. because there arenāt many plugs, iām sitting in a cluster of couches and instead of being by myself thereās an heās an older gentleman across from me, polo shirt, salt and pepper hair. was very polite when i asked if he minded if i tucked myself in the corner of the couch
he thinks computers are full of satan or something
because no sooner have i opened up goddamn word when he goes,Ā āyou kids and your electronics.ā
ah, excellent, unsolicited conversation with a perfect stranger that comes with a critique of modern communication. fight me, bro, you got no idea who youāre tangling with. so naturally i push up my metaphorical sleeves (metaphorical because iām in a goddamn resort and pavement is melting; iām wearing a very nice goddamn dress and iād look like a fucking soccer mom named helen if i had blonde hair) and very politely, i smash his face into the floor withĀ āiām sorry?ā in an utterly flabbergasted tone because dude wtf and no one delivers slick put downs when theyāre caught off guard
āiām here reading my newspaper and after this my wife and i are going on a hikeā (lol good luck with that dude the pavement is melting and you want to hike in the mountains)Ā āand weāre going to interact with each other.ā he gives my computer a v pointed look
naturally, i have the perfect response to this. it is pithy and eloquent and will surely put him in his place:Ā āi⦠like to write, and itās easier on a laptop?ā
āit seems to meā (HERE WE GO)Ā āthat your generationā (OH GOOD)Ā āis losing the ability to interact with other people.ā (O OK) āmy grandchildren never take their eyes off their cellphones anymore!āĀ
and here he pauses and looks at me. as if he expects me to agree.Ā
so i sayĀ āyou were born in the 50s, right?ā he says he was born in 59.Ā āwell, it seems to me that your generation is really fond of adultery, embezzlement, and corporate fraud, among other things, and iām really enjoying paying for your retirement.ā
i admit: i had this line canned after a little snarl i had with my mom the other night.
he stares at me. i stare back.Ā
āyou also realize,ā i say, quickly typing socrates kids these days quoteĀ into google,Ā āthat people have been saying kids these daysĀ since socrates said, and i quote, children now love luxury. they have bad manners. contempt for authority. they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.ā i look up at him. heās staring at me still.
iām shaking because man fuck confrontation but also how hilarious is this because i literally had a fight with my mom about this twelve hours ago. i literally have a cranky tweet about it. āso it seems to me that making sweeping generalizations about people based on pretty arbitrary age groupings is kind of ridiculous since iām pretty sure youāre not cheating on your wife or stealing from your company.ā
he goes beat red because now iām embarrassed him, and i feel really fucking bad because i didnāt mean to embarrass him, but also hey dude fuck you
SO OF COURSE he saysĀ ādid your parents teach you any manners?ā
and there goes the last of my embarrassment because hey fuck you dudeĀ the only person who can insult my parents is fucking me. and i say, without even thinking because this is when you have the snappiest rejoinders,Ā āwell they did teach me not to open unsolicited conversation with a stranger by insulting them so.ā
at this point the dudeās wife shows up and they leave, and the waiter asks me if i want anything to drink and iām likeĀ āyes please give me all your vodkaā but instead i sayĀ āice waterā because the pavement is melting and if i puke from nerves after that, i donāt want to snort alcohol out my nose
thatās it thatās my story