Journey To Being Evan

Happy 7mo on T to me. I look at these photos and in my mind I still look like the person on the left. It’s weird to not “see” the changes everyone else does. I’m so used to looking in the mirror and hating what reflects back at me. It’s been difficult to focus on the positive, as I immediately go to what hasn’t changed “enough”. I am having a hard time being patient.

Major changes so far: Hair hair everywhere....except my face lol. I do have some stragglers in the form of mustache and side burn hair but nothing you can really see from a far. I get this weird dark patch under my chin that I have to constantly shave, but nowhere else. Very much looking forward to this filling in at some point. I still don’t pass most of the time which sucks. A lot. But again, patience. Muscle mass has definitely increased. I was never able to do push ups before and now I can do 10+ like they’re nothing. I’ve been working a lot on my upper body and chest in prep for my top surgery in May. Those are probably the most recent changes I’ve noticed.

The biggest and arguably best change has been my mental health. I feel like the past 7 mo I have discovered how to live. Before I accepted myself and my transition I spent YEARS depressed. Things just kept getting worse. Over the past 15 years I went from generally depressed to more and more severely depressed. A year ago I was going to work, coming home and getting in bed. Nothing else. I was just existing. Things were technically great in my life... good job, wife, kid, everything was fine, except I was miserable. It’s been an amazing experience to just feel like life is worth living.

I just started transitioning and I’m almost 7mo in T. I have a wife of 12 years who is INCREDIBLY supportive. So for those of you struggling right now, know that it is possible to find someone who supports and loves you for who you are. They are out there. You will find them and anyone else is not worth your time. You don’t have to change who you are or feel like shit about yourself. Though I know that is easier said than done. I also have a 10 year old daughter who has been equally amazing during this whole process. I don’t pass 100% of the time yet, but it is slowly getting better.

I long for the day when I can go and get my haircut and the stylist doesn’t end the appointment with “OMG! So cute! I’m so jealous! I wish I could wear my hair short like that!”