THE LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER STARTERS
(link to the youtube page is above! taken from recent segments from HBO. change pronouns when needed!)
‘So we should just give her credit when the good stuff happens & then blame others when bad stuff happens.’
‘Thanks ___! You really mechanically engineer the shit out of that one.’
‘No. Not you. Not you. I know your game now. Not you.’
‘He’s best describe as every dark thought humanity has ever had inhabiting the long dead corpse and a civil war-era plantation owner that even his fellow plantation owners called a bit much.’
‘Imagine anyone than Donald Trump was president and hold onto that thought. It’s nice, right?’
‘You would justifiably be fucking upset at that!’
‘I know all of this may seem like an evisceration but it is really not.’
‘I don’t know enough about them to eviscerate them.’
‘If they are the reason you’re sleeping at night, you should probably still be awake.’
‘It is way more important than you might realize.’
‘I have got to get you in my mouth.’
‘A French exit normally refers to drinking an entire bottle of red wine & then leaving the party with the host’s wife.’
‘What a ridiculous system!’
‘Anywhere else, it might be a bad sign to have flour thrown at you.’
‘But in a country where pastries have better constitutional rights than people, it is technically possible that that was actually an honor.’
‘You’re going to want to meet some of the outsiders.’
‘The Queen of England was involved in international drug trafficking.’
‘You’re right. He just said Larry Skywalker and that weird bear.’
‘I really think they should have been those characters name instead.’
‘This is our friend that weird bear or whatever the fuck is I don’t know.’
‘Almost offensively French.’
‘His entire life seems like an attempt to win the game show called So You Think You Can France.’
‘Sounds like a scandal involving selling weapons grade uranium to Penelope Cruz.’
‘That was both very lame & very costly.’
‘If you are falling sleep just listening to me describe him, you’re not alone.’
‘That makes him sound like he’s the guy who played the main character on How I Met Your Mother.’
‘This man - and this is true - has no name.’
‘Even on a nine hour flight this movie is unwatchable.’
‘They’re about halfway into making a decent crepe.’
‘Honestly she is the main reason you should be invested in this election.’
‘Yeah but elegant presentation does not negate poisonous content.’
‘I fucking knew it! I fucking knew it!’
‘You’re a monster Mr. Peanut!’
‘It’s something a crazy person says.’
‘No one wants your wallpaper, you catastrophically weird person.’
‘I never thought I’d say this to someone because it really doesn’t make sense: I hope someone steals your wallpaper.’
‘I don’t know why they would but I hope they do.’
‘There is no way this could possibly happen.’
‘This is the kind of reckless overconfidence you normally only see in a period piece movie about a tragedy.’
‘I know you don’t like big gaudy gestures so allow me to convince you in the elegant restrained manner that you prefer.’
‘Which is, and it pains me to admit this, not entirely misplaced.’
‘Real French croissants are buttery pillows of perfection whereas the American croissanwich is an ungodly abomination.’
‘Well now it your chance to prove that.’
‘To be honest, it’s not working out so great for us so far.’
‘Imagine how superior you will feel if you don’t make the same mistake that we did.’
‘Shouldn’t all of this illegal?’
‘Well, that’s complicated.’
‘Reasonable people will disagree.’
‘Others might favor compactness.’
‘According to their website, it is closed for the season of spring.’
‘When May 28th rolls around it’s going to be an all-out carousal fuck-stavaganza … until 8 pm.’
‘He’s basically arguing that nobody is unbiased so let’s use me, the most brazenly biased man in the universe!’
‘That is what America is all about.’
‘That everyone one of us should get an equal chance to make a bad decision which fucks things up for everybody!’
‘In this context, we should all be relevant regardless of our questionable life choices.’
‘They should be the results of our own crazy decisions!’
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