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Ilya Rozanov ⛸️🏒

🍃 this is me trying.

Part 1 > Part 2 > Part 3 >

Wolfstar ☄️

Winter Morning

Ilya Rozanov x reader

Summary: The next morning, as it snows outside, you start to remember pieces from the night before. And you realise Ilya is still there; he hasn't left like you feared, but he's there, ready to talk. Finally.

Warnings: parental issues, angst, but comfort (finally), mental health, swearing

Part 1 Part 2

Ilya had been up a while before you, with your head lying on his chest and your hand gripping his t-shirt in sleep. You looked so peaceful and at ease right now.

He didn't move yet, because you looked so peaceful, and he knows you needed this rest more than you would let on. He had seen the exhaustion last night, the way it lay deep into your bones.

His hand had been in your hair for a while now, soothing you in your slumber, and soothing him too with the familiarity,

But it felt different this time.

Ilya Rozanov x reader

second part of this is me trying

Summary: It had been just over 3 weeks since that night, and Ilya didn't realise how broken he would be after letting you walk away. It hurts more than it did, keeping you at a distance. So, when he sees you at a club in Boston after a game, would he take the chance to say how he really felt, or let you walk away again?

Bit longer than the last part

Warnings: angst, alcohol, parental issues, mental heatlh,

Thank you for all the love on the first part :)

< Part 1 Part 3 >

The night you got back to your apartment had led you to break down completely, grieving a relationship you could never claim you truly had. But it still hurt so much.

Ilya wasn't doing much better.

When you left, it took him 10 minutes to go back inside and retreat to his own room, where he was met with the sight of your t-shirt, which you had left months before.

He couldn't give it back now, even if he wanted to use it as an excuse to see you and to talk; he knew it wouldn't do either of you any good because he didn't even know what he would say anymore.

It was far too complicated, which is why he convinced himself that putting distance between you and never asking you to be his was the right way to keep it safe. To keep you in his life and not lose you, in a way.

But realistically, he was prolonging the inevitable. And now, he realised how selfish that was.

Sitting there, in his home, alone, he wished he had just told you the truth when you asked. It did mean more than casual. He did care for you, far more than he expected. And he was pretty confident, especially when he saw you walking into his house that day, that he had fallen in love with you.

It's too late now, he told himself.

But that doesn't mean he really deleted your number when you asked him to, either.

----------------------

3 Weeks Later...

Surprisingly, you hadn't bumped into Ilya since that night.

Sure, Boston was big enough, but before that, you had always bumped into him at cafes, bars, or even the occasional shop.

It was a blessing in disguise, because you don't think you could cope seeing him live his life without you so easily, when you were going home most nights feeling hollowed.

It wasn't just that he hadn't felt the same. It was going from comfortably having a person in your life for 3 years, someone to rely on or talk to, to not having them there at all.

What hurt more was that none of your friends knew, so you couldn't exactly talk with them about it.

So, when you do eventually see him at a bar in Boston with his teammates, you feel like you can't exactly ask them to leave and go somewhere else. Some bar where he isn't standing with a beer in hand, his attention on a beautiful woman in front of him, her hand on his arm.

You were on your fourth drink of the night, enough to be tipsy, but you felt nauseous all of a sudden. Was it that easy for him to forget you?

He looked as handsome as he always did, carrying a confidence that would make any woman swoon.

Really, you know, deep down, you can't be angry. He had told you it wasn't his fault you had caught feelings and gotten attached.

Iyla Rozanov x female!reader

Summary: You and Ilya have been on and off "casual lovers" for a few years now, always coming back to one another, time and time again. But recently, you two had spent a lot of time together as something more - something a bit too real. So, when it all gets too much for Ilya, you're left trying to get him to admit it means something more.

Warnings: angst, arguing a little? parental issues, and sickness mentioned.

I thought of 6 different songs while writing this (casual by Chappell roan being one lol)

Part 2 >

His place in Boston was always the go-to spot. A safe space to hide from the media and to hide whatever it is that you and Ilya have been for the past 3 years.

He always avoided the topic of what you were. Countless times, he had diverted it to something playful and fun, never asking or admitting that he wanted you as his and not just something casual.

But you still walk into his place like it's a second home, putting your coat up, feeling safe as Ilya stands and watches you.

"You took too long to get here"

A shy smile makes it way to your face along with a blush.

"I'm sorry. Traffic during rush hour. I promise I tried to get here as quick as I could, but -"

The explanation was cut off, as he held the back of your head and brought you into a kiss, fingers tangled in your hair. You melted into it as you always did, because it was familiar. And safe. And addictive.

Ilya pulls back, a smug smile on his perfect face. His eyes dance all over your face before settling on your lips.

"I was worried" He admits, his gaze staying on your lips.

"Worried?"

He hums and nods, hand that was sitting on the back of your head, now settled on your cheek.

"You usually arrive quicker. I thought something was wrong"

Your eyes soften at the admission, but this is where things get complicated.

Because you had assumed the way he cared for you was something more than casual. Even when he kept you a secret from his friends and family, you knew he kept his personal life close and quiet. So, that's why he did it with you... right? To keep this safe, between you two.

He leads you to the kitchen, grabbing you a drink, before taking your hand and leading you to the couch.

"Drive was okay, yes?"

You nod, distracted by his hand in yours, his thumb brushing over your knuckles.

"Yeah, it was fine. Just busy. I was going to stop to get us food but I was already late"

You settle on the couch, his arm around your shoulder.

"Hm. We can order food later. For now, I want your company"

You sit like this for a while, some hockey game playing in the background, but you don't pay much attention, your gaze flickering between the screen and Ilya's face. He kisses you every so often, arm still heavily settled around you.

It's nice, peaceful. And reminds you why you keep coming back to him, even after so much longing to be called something more than friends or 'casual'

The peace is ruined, though, when Ilya gets a call from his brother, and his demeanour changes.

You knew his relationship with his family was complicated and sensitive to him, and was probably one of the many reasons he could never give you much more or reveal much more of himself. But, no matter what, you made it clear that whatever or whenever he wanted to talk more about it or rely on you, you were always there.

You didn't understand what he was saying on the phone - it was his native language after all, but you picked up the tone quickly. His body language gave it away that whatever Alexei was saying on the phone was pissing him off. He never did speak much about what Alexei called him for constantly, but you assumed it was his sick father.

Another topic he avoided completely. Again, you didn't blame him for it, but wished he would open up for his own mental well-being. To take off a burden on his shoulders and let someone in.

Ilya eventually hangs up the phone and throws it onto the couch, glaring at it as if it had caused him serious offence, before running a hand through his curls, exhaling, and leaning back, his muscles tensing in his arms.

"Everything okay?"

He nods and keeps his gaze averted, his hands wringing together on his lap, jaw tense - giving every signal to you that everything is not okay.

"Is your dad okay?"

He cuts a glance at you.

"Fine, he is fine. I don't want to discuss, okay? I ask you to come here for distraction, not to do therapy session"

It was moments like this that shattered the illusion and brought out all of those doubts in your mind. Because in your mind, you were waiting for the moment for him to allow himself to be cared for, but it was moments like this that made you think you were never going to get there.

You so desperately wanted to be wanted by him, but also selflessly wanted him to say out loud what was breaking him.

But his words made you think, am I just a convenience to him when he needed a distraction? A fix to take his mind off everything else?

"Distraction? What... what does that mean?"

He exhales sharply again, clearly over the conversation already before it's started.

"Yes, distraction. You come over, we have fun, you stay over, I listen to you talk about things and your boring life and complain and then you go home"

You sit up a bit now, heart sunk in your chest and convince yourself not to cry as your doubts slowly become a reality and any hope of something more slowly withers away with every word he says.

More often than not, you opened up to Ilya about your own life. Your struggles with friends since moving to Boston, your parents not approving of your career or any of your decisions... even your anxiety and your own mental struggles.

And now he was throwing it back in your face.

"But... we're - I mean, it's a bit more than that? Like we - I mean more than that, right? To you? This isn't just a casual thing. We have to mean more, Ilya?"

Ilya's face is in his hands now, mumbling something in Russian before standing to his feet.

"We discuss this before, hm? We are nothing more than casual. I don't want a partner or girlfriend or someone pushing for something I cannot give. Is not my fault you thought wrong. It is not my fault you come to me about problems and expect me to fix it"

His body language is defensive, his words sharp, and there's a part of you that knows this is him pushing you away so he doesn't hurt more than he doesn't rely on someone and get too close. Somewhere deep down you are aware this is him putting his guard up and he is too scared to allow himself to be cared for.

But why does it still hurt like he's being honest? Were you really that delusional to think you would end up together?

You had been there for him for years now, listening whenever he decided to open up, being there when he felt most alone and he would do the same for you, when your family didn't care enough or showed up, he would be there.

Friends do that for each other, but there was always more to it than just caring about a friend.

It was the late nights, the hand holding, the kissing, even when it didn't lead to something else. It was the way he would hold you in hotel rooms and ask you to stay. Or the way he would call you first after winning a game. Not Svetlana, not his family. You.

But why did it feel like it all meant nothing to him now?

"You can't... stand there and tell me all of these years meant just casual to you. You can't stand there and say all the times we showed up for one another were just... distractions"

Tears spring to your eyes as he shrugs, putting on his act of not caring about the conversation, not caring about how this hurts you, how much you feel for him...

But what you don't know is when he sees the tears in your eyes, a little part of his heart breaks, and he wants to stop himself from lying and kiss you.

“Like I said… not my fault you got caught up in feelings that I don’t share”

He wished you knew how hard that was to say. To lie when really he feels more than he could ever let on.

With your heart breaking and your pride and confidence shattered, you pick up your overnight bag, avoiding his face all together now.

"I think I should head home"

He falters a little and watches as you pick up your things.

"It's late. Don't be stupid" If you paid enough attention to his tone, you would've caught the slight panic in his voice, but you can't breathe right now and want out of this house and to go home and just fall apart alone.

"Is dark now. It will not be safe to drive alone. Just... I will take couch or -"

Everything feels too much. You decide this can't go on anymore because it hurts too much.

"Can you delete my number?"

Ilya stops, and for a moment, you think he actually looks sorry.

"Your number?"

You nod, already blocking his contact as you walk to the front door with shaky hands and a build of rage and embarrassment. You hesitate though. Because it makes it more real what you’re deciding.

He follows you now, watching you walk away from him. His heart races, and he doesn't take his phone out. Only stutters.

"I think we are jumping to things now, yes?"

When you open the door, the rain and cold hair jolts you back down to earth and you head to your car.

Ilya follows you, not bothering to put on shoes or a jacket on as he picks up his pace.

"Just delete my number, okay? Think we can both agree this was a waste of time on both ends, and it's better to end it now before... it hurts more. For me at least " Even though it has already shattered you completely.

"I don't want to delete your number. Just... we can go back inside, okay? You are upset, and it's dark -"

You open the car door, but before you go in, you look at him one last time.

Ilya's heart breaks a little more, if even possible, as he looks at how broken you are too.

"I..." love you so much, this is hurting me

You stop yourself.

Did you really want to say it now? Would it even matter to him anymore? Or would he realise how far gone it is and walk away more easily?

But to Ilya, he doesn't know what you're holding back.

If he did, he would carry you back inside, and he wouldn't hide anymore. He would be honest and he would show you how much he cares.

But he thinks the worst, just like you. Even when you stand in front of him and say these things, he doubts he’s enough.

He doesn't assume he can be loved.

He assumes that love and care come with a price, and if you stayed long enough, he would get too comfortable in your safety, and you would leave.

Or he couldn’t give you the love you want.

But instead of saying it out loud, you close your eyes. Take a breath.

"Goodbye, Rozanov. Good luck with the season"

And then, as tears finally fall and both your hearts break -

"I hope you find your person. And I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you"

I enjoyed writing the last one - a similar vibe again, but Wolfstar on a different morning, where neither of them want to leave the comfort of their bed.

7am, Remus and Sirius' flat. Where both men lay in a deep slumber, bodies intertwined and comforting one another, even in rest.

The cold morning air tickled at the glass of the windows, the sky blue and sunny, but an illusion, as the air was frosted and the atmosphere anything but warm.

Remus woke first, stirring as his bones clicked and his joints popped after another rough full moon 2 nights before. His soft brown eyes, strained and full of sleep, danced around the room until settling on his lover, Sirius.

A tattooed arm was around his waist, clinging tightly, pulling him close into Sirius' chest like a lifeline, as Sirius' breath fanned over his face delicately while he dreamt deeply. Remus couldn’t help but stare for a moment, admiring his boyfriend - his peaceful face as he slept, his long eyelashes, his lips…

He could sit there for hours staring, but his body (which was still healing from the full moon) began to protest of his sleeping position, demanding movement to stretch his legs.

Remus, ever the early riser, looked at the clock which read 7.04 am, debating whether to unsettle his boyfriend's sleep or to get up and get the pain killers or one of Lily’s new healing potions, from the cupboard for his aches. His eyes returned to Sirius, and he smiled softly - he was so in love, his stomach turned with butterflies (even after all these years), and he found himself blushing at the thought.

But after a moment, his knees - always the damn knees - began to grow restless and stubborn with achiness. As he slowly released Sirius's grip from his waist, he mourned the loss of touch and almost gave in, allowing himself another moment of loving peace.

But Sirius, even unconscious, felt the loss of touch immediately and groaned.

"Moons?" His voice was husky, filled with sleep, and his eyes were still closed as he patted the bed in search of his lover.

Remus squeezed his hand, trying to ease him from his sleepy distress.

"Here, Pads", he kissed the back of his hand.

"I just need to grab a healing potion or some painkillers"

Sirius' eyes shot open, worry clouding his pretty grey eyes.

"What's wrong?"

Remus smiled, trying to settle his worries. Sirius had been his personal healer the last few days, like every moon, but this one was especially draining, so Remus had witnessed Sirius at peak anxiety and worry as he followed him around the flat, tending to his needs.

"Nothing's wrong. Just my knees again. I might take a walk down to the shops anyway and get us some coffee and breakfast as a treat"

Or more a treat and a thank you present for his lover.

Sirius whined, as if he was truly neglecting him, and he grabbed Remus' arm, gently trying to lead him back to bed.

"I'll get the potions. You stay here"

Oh, how Remus wished it were that simple.

"Pads, you know I like to try and walk a little when they get like this. Plus, I've been in bed so much the past few days. I need a break, love"

His large hand reaches out, pushing the long, dark hair from Sirius' face gently, before delicately tracing his cheek with his fingers.

Sirius's eyes soften at the touch, leaning into it more.

"Brutal. Absolutely brutal, you are. Wake me up before 9, abandon me in bed, then head off on your own little adventure, leaving me here to be neglected and unloved. Seriously, Remus... it's like torture"

"Sirius..." Remus lets out a laugh, has the other hand grabbing Sirius's and kissing it

He was always more affectionate in the morning. Which is why Sirius wants him all to himself.

"I promise I won't be long. And I'll bring you your favourite breakfast wrap and coffee, yeah?"

Sirius rolls his eyes, affectionately, sitting up in the bed.

"You won't take long?"

Remus still hand his hand on Sirius' face as he strokes his cheek tenderly.

"20 minutes tops. Depending on how busy the line is, mind you. Then, we can cuddle in here. Sound good, lovely?"

The nickname always made Sirius swoon, and Remus knew it too, using it to his advantage this morning.

Sirius grunts, which Remus understood to be a reluctant 'yes, fine. Go'.

As he got to his feet, his joints aching at the effort, he drops a quick kiss to Sirius' pouting lips.

"Keep the bed warm for me?" His voice was a loving whisper, and Sirius, again, swooned and nodded wordlessly, like he was under a love spell.

Remus smiles once more before leaving the room, not before glancing at the sleepy Padfoot in his bed.

Just over 20 minutes later - the extra 3 minutes feeling like torture to poor Sirius - Remus returns, a coffee, a hot chocolate and two breakfast wraps in hand.

Remus's nose was now a little red from the frosty morning, making Sirius's stomach flutter at the cuteness of it. He gets out of the bed, meeting Remus by the door of the room.

Sirius takes his coffee and wrap from Remus's hands, before placing them down on the bedside table and grabbing his lover's cheeks delicately.

"You're freezing, Moons" Even though he tried to hide it, his eyebrows furrowed in a slight worry, taking off Remus' coat and dumping it in a corner before leading him back to the bed.

Remus allowed him, grateful to be back in the warmth of their home… and back in bed.

Both boys climbed back in, sipping from their hot drinks and occasionally taking a bite from the breakfast wrap.

"How's the knees?" Sirius asks, pulling Remus to lean more against his side as they were propped up against the back of the bed.

Remus leans more into him before kissing his shoulder.

"Better now. Usually, the cold causes them to act up, but... the new potion Lily dropped off last week is doing wonders for it this time. Will need to buy her a gift"

Sirius nods, relieved that the ache wasn't as bad this time. Usually, his knees ache up where he can barely walk for too long without needing to take breaks, or use his cane (both of which Sirius knows Remus resents).

As they sit in silence, eating and drinking, Remus’s mind runs off into the negative places again, thinking back to the last few days and how useless he had felt while Sirius cared for him like he always did. And as the thoughts went further, so did the insecurity and self doubt of being a burden.

Remus looks at Sirius for a moment, watching him in silence.

Sirius looks up to meet his gaze.

"What? What did I do?"

Remus hesitates for a moment before sitting up more to look at him.

"You know I love you, right?"

Sirius scoffs. What a silly question, he thought. Remus expressed it in more ways than just words.

"I bloody hope so"

Remus doesn't show any signs of amusement though and Sirius falters.

"Moons?"

Remus sighs and grabs Sirius's chin.

"I am going to ask you something. And I... want you to answer me seriously"

Sirius, feeling anxious at his serious tone, tries to resort to humour to ease the sudden intensity the conversation was taking.

"I am Sirius"

Remus doesn't waver his gaze, so Sirius nods.

"If I... If my condition got too much for you, you would tell me... right?"

Sirius looks at Remus like he grew a second head.

"What?"

Remus hesitates again, but doesn't break the eye contact.

"I... I know when... well... before and after the moon... I can be difficult and sore and... I snapped at you yesterday over something silly but I do love you and I don't want you think that -"

Sirius's hand covers his move, his gaze fiery and serious, unusual for him, who is always witty and sarcasitc.

"Remus, stop. What happened yesterday was... I completely forgot to be honest because it didn't bother me. In fact, if I was in your position, I'd end up being more snappy and would tell me to piss off constantly. But it barely happens and even if it did happen more, it is not your fault"

Remus looks like he doesn't believe him, like he expects him to resent him for it. And Sirius isn't having any of it.

"I mean it, Moony. What happened yesterday barely even crossed my mind after it happened. Because I knew you were in pain and I knew that when you get upset at yourself, your first instinct is to push people away. But, unfortunately for you, I will not be pushed"

Remus's eyes soften and he seems at a lost for words.

"When I left that toxic house and was in a bad place, did you resent me or want to leave me every time I snapped at you or pushed you away?"

Remus looks shocked and shakes his head.

"Of course not, Sirius. I... I wanted to help you. Never leave you"

Sirius smiles, his heart fluttering, but he presses on.

"And did you see me as a burden? Unloveable? Any less than you or James because I acted out?"

Remus shakes his eyes, eyes soft.

"Never"

Sirius smacks a kiss on his lips.

"So, why would I see you any less to me when you are struggling with something, Remus?"

Remus sits there in silence for a moment, taking in his words.

Sirius smiles and strokes his cheek.

"I don't, Remus. I have never seen you as something I need to put up with. And I doubt I ever will. You were struggling with... just existing in that moment, and you snapped, understandably. I don't care if it was at me. I just want you to be okay. And to understand that you are allowed to rely on me. Alright?"

Out of his usual character, a tear falls down Remus's cheek. Sirius's eyes follow it before brushing it away and pulling Remus into his hold.

"I am so glad you exist, Remus Lupin. Even when you hate it. Even when you think I am better off without you. I am better because of you"

Remus stifles a sob, the build-up of the last few days and many years of trauma and suffering coming out, as the winter morning lives outside. His hand grasps onto Sirius's shirt like a lifeline, like he is the only thing holding him together anymore.

Sirius kisses his head.

"When you feel like this, when you feel like a burden and are bearing all your burdens on your back, I need you to come to me, baby"

Remus goes to protest, but Sirius shushes him and holds him.

"None of that. I need you to come to me so I can help. Alright?"

Remus reluctantly nods

Sirius smiles, kissing Remus’s head again before holding him closer.

“This doesn’t distract the fact you were 3 minutes late getting back from the shops by the way”

Remus lets out a laugh, making Sirius’ grin widen.

“I’m being serious, Moons. That was a whole 3 minutes of being neglected by the love of my life. It was torturous. Selfish of you, if you ask me. I had no one to cuddle with. It felt never ending”

Remus pulls away, sitting up, finally meeting Sirius’ gaze. He scoffs at the dramatics, before kissing his cheek tenderly.

“How horrible. I suppose I’ll have to make it up to you hm? With an abundance of love and affection. I can’t have my love feeling uncared for and neglected can I?”

Sirius’ chest flutters - my love - and he lets out a fluttering laugh.

“How about we both give each other equal amounts of love and affection? Since I’m clearing not showing you enough either”

Remus knows Sirius is joking - he gives him more love than he could ever deserve. But he nods anyways, going along with it, even though he has already planned to spoil Sirius in return for all he does for him. He pulls Sirius head to lay back on his chest, how both of them always lay, as they sit in peaceful silence, snow beginning to fall outside as the sky clouds over.

They remain like this for an hour, not falling asleep yet, just enjoying the company of each other. Until…

“Remus?”

Remus hums but doesn’t move, still tracing patterns on Sirius’ tattooed arm.

“Weren’t we supposed to be heading to James and Lily’s for brunch?”

Remus’ eyes widen. Now, he sat up.

First time writing and posting in... a while lol. Hopefully it's not too bad

a wolfstar short story

When Sirius and Remus first got together, the first thing Sirius daydreamed about was living with Remus. Being in his orbit, living in his space, breathing the same air as him,making him tea every morning, loving him in their home. He loved him deeply and wholeheartedly.

So when they left school and got jobs and became 'adults', Sirius moved out of the Potter's and with a small part of his inheritance (that he managed to get his hands on before abandoning his old life), he got a flat for himself and Remus near their work. And obviously, make sure there was plenty of room for bookcases and a space for his darling Remus to read.

Remus loved the space. And Sirius loved to see Remus happy and pleased. So, it worked out well for both of them.

"Remus?" Now, 2 years later, Sirius stands with a cup of tea in hand for his lover, the man who held the stars in his eyes and the moon to his heart.

"In here"

Sirius didn't really have to check where the lanky man was, his lanky man, because he sat in the same spot most mornings before Sirius crawled out of bed. Reluctantly, mind you.

Sirius turned the corner to see his boyfriend in a large leather chair, facing away from the light coming from the window, where rain dribbled down the glass. A large book was his hands, his eyes scanning the pages until Sirius comes into view.

"Where else would you be, gorgeous... apart from staying in bed with your handsome boyfriend. But here you are, denying me of love and affection"

Remus rolls his eyes, affectionately, taking the hot tea from Sirius' hand with a small "thank you, love".

Sirius watches as he takes a sip before placing it on a coaster on the windowsill, to which he takes his opportunity of crawling into his lap. Remus huffs as if he is interrupting his peace, but at the same time, his large hand finds its way around Sirius's waist, squeezing it lovingly before pulling him closer.

"You know, some of us don't want to waste a day off sleeping all day, Sirius" His long fingers trace delicate shapes on Sirius' side, easing them both.

Sirius scoffs, like the idea is ridiculous to him.

"Some of us want to be cuddled with, my dearest Moons"

Remus rolls his eyes in return. Though he loved the cuddles as much as Sirius, he likes the sanctuary of his reading corner, too.

"We cuddled plenty this morning and last night. You're just clingy and needy"

A kiss is smacked on Remus' cheek.

"Spot on, baby. You finally realised. Only took you 5 years. Mind you, I am only clingy and needy for you, you know"

Remus' cheeks tint a blushy pink, trying but failing to apear fed up.

"Is this some sort of bribery? Sweet talk me back to bed?"

It was. It totally was and they both knew it.

"Wow, you're quick today, Moony. Spot on again"

Sirius kisses his cheek once more, before grabbing his face lovingly and meeting his gaze with a deep intensity they always shared, whether it was in public, around friends, or alone like this.

"Why don't we skip all the dancing around it then and get your pretty little self back into bed, hm?"

If Remus weren't so comfy in his seat, he would be moving right now and falling back into their bed. But unfortunately for Sirius, Remus was settled there and had grown tired of the bed after being bound there for days after a rough full moon.

"Pads, I'm comfortable here" His words are apologetic, and his fingers trace more shapes in Sirius' side, hoping to soften him up and get him comfortable there, too.

It was certainly working

"And I really don't want to be lying down any more than I have been. I feel... useless"

A touch of insecurity crosses Remus' face, something that always happened either the day before a full moon or the few days after.

But Sirius's face looks like Remus just insulted him, never mind himself.

"Useless?!"

Remus laughs breathlessly, kissing Sirius' shoulder.

Always dramatic

"Not completely. But... I feel terrible when I'm too sore to do anything and you care for me and run around doing... well, everything"

Sirius continues to look insulted - how dare he speak of his lover like that? He couldn't believe how belittling he was being, and he knew it was his duty to remind him how incredibly useful, loved, perfect and everything else he was.

"I refuse to sit back and listen to this absolute bullshit. My Moony - useless? I need to call Lily, see if she can get some potion to cure such delusions"

The laugh that comes from Remus, alongside the blushing grin on his face, shows Sirius he has succeeded in making him feel loved in some sort of way, their own way.

"Always so dramatic. I just..." the smile fades a little

"I just don't you thinking I don't appreciate all you do, Pads. I do love you. Endlessly. I love our bed and I love lying there with you, but -"

Sirius cuts him off, a tender smile replacing the teasing grin from before

"But you're sick of lying in bed and feeling like a burden?"

Remus nods, solemnly, and Sirius sets himself the mission of getting rid of that sad look immediately.

"I hate to tell you, Moons, but you have not been nor will you ever be a burden to me. Never ever. I adore you, and I will do so eternally. I will look after you after every single full moon and every single day. Unfortunately for you, you are stuck with me"

Remus' eyes soften. He had never felt more loved or understood in his life than he did with Sirius. He knew and truly saw him and loved him all the same.

"It's not unfortunate. Never unfortunate. It's the biggest gift of my life"

Sirius grins cheekily.

"You're doing wonders for my ego, baby. Keep it going, I might just have the confidence to keep you all to myself forever"

Remus laughs, getting more comfortable as they cuddle now in the chair.

When I write about you, I get frustrated.

Because I never really know how to say things in a way that truly expresses how I feel.

I doesn’t feel correct when I type it out, so I take it back. Back space on my feelings. Cross them out. Erase them, even.

You will never see this and I’m glad.

Or you might, but you’ll never know it’s me. And I feel relieved.

Because I feel like an idiot every time, I write like this. In a way, I feel like an idiot for rejecting the feelings you expressed to me too.

So, I’ll remain anonymous. I’ll be hidden and not heard.

I’d love to tell you how I feel… if you weren’t with someone better than me.

I’d tell you I feel the same, if I didn’t know you deserve much better.

This isn’t a self-deprecation letter.

It’s a self-awareness that I can’t give you what you want.

And you, of all people, will know what that means.

Of course, you’ll never see this or know it’s me writing it.

So, I’ll keep it to myself. Like I’ve always done.

And like I will always do.

Pairing: Sherlock x reader

Warnings: None

Summary: You come home one day to find an unexpected visitor and a complete stranger in your home

••••••••••••••••••••••••

With your hands full, you struggled with the door to your apartment on Baker Street. Sherlock had been away for a few days, apparently going on a case that was personal, which took you by surprise considering his demeanour.

You yourself had been in a relationship with the man for some time but of course kept it between the both of you for protection. Only Mycroft knew of your relationship after a slip up on your part. But he didn’t show much care or interest to you which made it easier.

What you didn’t expect when you entered your apartment, was for their to be a young girl sitting in your arm chair, staring right at you.

“Oh hello” You say cheerfully. This shocks the young girl as she turns her head to the side.

“Considering I broke into here and could be a threat to you, you seem calm Miss” The girl replies, rising from her seat. You smile and put the bags on the counter and turn to the young girl. “Well considering you are Sherlocks sister, I assumed you wouldn’t be any threat to me. And I’d prefer it if you called me Y/N. Miss makes me sound elegant and like I’m some sort of a lady”

Your words shock the young girl. Clearly she wasn’t expecting you to know who she was.

“How do you know who I am? I assumed my brother didn’t speak a word of me... to anyone” This makes you chuckle

“I may not be as quick and witty as yourself and your brothers, but I’m not stupid. I know a Holmes when I see one. And he may not speak much of you, but I am aware you exist... clearly”

Enola nods and looks around at the flat you stay in, seemingly impressed with the place.

“What is your relationship with my brother? I assume it’s a romantic one?”

You take off your shoes and sit in your chair. “Well considering I know of you and you know of me, I guess there’s no point hiding it. Yes, I am in a relationship with your brother. I have been for some time”

The brunette in front of you nods and sits in Sherlocks seat. “I’m not meant to be here. Neither of my brothers know of my exact location. I thought I’d maybe see this place and leave a note of some sorts but you came just before. I’ll be off within the hour but I’d prefer it if you didn’t mention to Sherlock of this encounter” You smile and nod, understanding her situation.

“I may not know why you are running, but I trust you are smart enough to look after yourself and not get yourself into too much trouble. I will keep my mouth shut, but Sherlock is smart. So, you need to act quick and carefully wherever you go” The girl nods.

“You seem kind. And wiser than you let on. I suppose my brother found a good one”

You nod at her and smile. “I suppose he has. And you, young lady, will be strong. Powerful. Just don’t let Mycroft get in the way of that” Enola giggles and nods, before looking at the large clock on your wall.

“I’ll be on my way now. Thank you Miss Y/N. I hope our paths cross again” You nod at her and watch as she leaves the apartment swiftly.

“Thank god she’s not like Mycroft” You mumble to yourself and lean back in your chair.

——————————————

You awoke the next day to loud bangs your front door. Your body shoots up and you quickly get out of bed, pulling a gun from out of your bedside drawer.

In a slow but careful manner, you make your way to the front door and open it.

Mycroft stands there

He doesn’t look happen. But then again, when does he?

You let out a sigh and move away from the door and head to the living room. You collapse on your chair, relief all over your body. “God you can’t just appear like that. Especially at this time Mycroft”

The angry man, looks around your flat, venom in his eyes. “Where is she?”

You roll your eyes and sit up. “Who?”

The man scoffs and points his stick at you. “The girl. Enola” You furrow your brows as to act confused.

“Who the hell is that?” He laughs bitterly and comes closer to you. “Don’t act like an idiot. I know she was here”

You feel your heart race as the man gets in your face. “If your so sure, why isn’t she here then? Whoever she is, why aren’t you out looking for her?”

Mycroft scoffs and stands up again, his hot breath no longer in your face.

“You really are a silly tart, aren’t you?” You sit up and furrow your brows, pissed off by his words.

“Excuse me?” Mycroft shakes his head at you

“I don’t know why my brother has fallen for such a foolish woman who knows nothing. Only knows how to leach off others for their money and a good night in their bed”

You roll your eyes and stand up. “If you are going to accuse me of such things, Mycroft, then maybe you should leave. Tell it to someone who gives a damn” He raises his hand towards you and goes to strike but is cut off by a booming voice.

“I wouldn’t even dare, brother of mine”

Mycroft turns to his younger brother and scoffs. He straightens his suit out and clears his throat. “Not to worry brother, I just wanted to show this woman where her place is”

This infuriates Sherlock more and he grabs his brothers arm.

“I highly suggest, brother that you keep your opinion and your threats to my partner else where” Mycroft looks at you up and down before leaving the flat.

“She knows something. And I will find out what”

You roll your eyes and sit in your chair, exhausted with the whole conversation

“Well that was interesting” Sherlock turns to you, concern on his features and leans over.

“Darling, are you alright? He didn’t harm you in any way, did he?” You shake your head and smile at him weakly.

“Not to worry Mr Holmes. Only a little exchange of words. Some a bit rude, of course”

Sherlock nods and sighs.

“I apologise for my brothers ways. He’s slightly on edge”

You nod and sigh. “I understand. Any leads on Enola?”

Sherlock furrows his brows.

“I haven’t told you about Enola”

You curse in your mind and fix your mistake

“Mycroft did. Came in shouting saying she was here. Saying she was missing. Of course I didn’t know who she was but he soon told me”

Sherlock smirks and shakes his head.

“Lying is not one of your talents, dear”

You tilt your head like a puppy and appear confused. “Why would I lie?”

The man in front of you sighs and smiles, taking a seat in his usual chair.

“You could help your lover out and give me a slight hint? Maybe tell me if she was here or not?”

You smirk and cross your arms. “Now, Sherlock we both know you are more than capable of finding this girl on your own without any hints from me. You are a genius after all. And I don’t have anything to hint at anyways. I know nothing”

Sherlock nods, realising you won’t tell him a thing about Enola or if she was even here.

“Well I better be out looking for her. Find a few hints since my darling partner won’t help” He rises from his seat and heads for the door.

You finally decided to give him something. Not something that will help him find her, but something to let him think.

“Sherlock?” You call and the man turns.

“Don’t let her change. Not even for Mycroft. Whatever she has done or what she’s doing, let her find out for herself. She’s a Holmes after all. She’ll find her own path, even if she doesn’t see it yet”

Sherlock thinks to himself for a moment as he stands at the opening of the door, cane in hand. “Anything else?” He questions, after thinking of your helpful words.

“Is your whole family this difficult? Also stubborn. Sure, you are geniuses but didn’t expect the whole family to have so many issues to deal with”

Sherlock smiles and nods. “I’m afraid so. And you’ll be stuck with that for a lifetime” It’s your turn to smile at your partner, shaking your head as you let out a breathy laugh.