Beck the TransMan.

I’m caught up in my own head. I don’t know which way is up or down. I’m struggling to figure myself out. Feminine but Masculine. Feminine but not feeling like a woman. What does being a woman feel like? Being a man feels strong, like I can face anything. Being a woman feels vague, like going through the motions to appease people. Being a man is harder. There’s no respect. There’s no acceptance. There’s no room for a Rebecca who doesn’t feel like a woman; a Rebecca that has never felt like a woman. 

A profile pic change is coming too. I recently realized that I’m trans and need somewhere to get all my feels out about not being able to transition in front of my family. So angst Posts coming in hot and ready for delivery! I know I’ve been gone a long time and thank you all for staying while I recovered from life. My dog’s death hit me harder than anything had ever hit me before and While i may not fully get over her loss, I know she’s in a better place and I am as well mentally. 

By now, you are wishing that you’d never been born. You think of yourself as ugly, fat, and unwanted. Father asked you if you wanted to go live with Uncle and Aunt. What is happening there isn't your fault. Father doesn't hate you. No 9 year old should think of themselves like that. You are young, but you are already so old. You are bright and shining, you are brilliant and loved. You are intelligent and caring. All of these will follow you into the future and not amount of pain, abuse, or hurt will ever diminish these attributes. You love. You care. These are important attributes to have. Even after all the pain people put you through, you will never stop loving them, but that isn't a bad thing.

As for your curiosity about your mother, that’s not a bad thing either. You will eventually meet your mother and you’ll get to know the real her. Dont be in a rush to find her. I’ts OK to be curious. I believe she loves you, but doesn't know how to show it. Some people aren't meant to be parents.

So, you sweet, caring, loving, beautiful child, please take care of yourself. You don't have to become me. Embrace all of the good that you are and hold on to that. I love you.

Love,