becks

My latest Facebook post. Because sometimes you have to step away from people for your own recovery.

Some things are real, and I don't care what anyone says. Ask anyone who dumpster dives. The "Dumpster Donation Fairy" is very much so real. You ever find something so dead on specific to your needs? Or something you just really want that is like a Christmas present from the store? Or find a bag of clothes at a donation bin(outside the bin on the ground is fair game NOT IN THE BIN ITSELF, then it's stealing) that fit you PERFECTLY or shoes that fit PERFECTLY when you need them the most?

Then it's the dumpster donation bin fairy.

I'm pretty sure though that this fairy is probably a man, cross-dressing in some thrift store outfit and she's probably a tweaker, but hey I am not judging. Especially not when she brings me presents.

Instead, put on your rain boots and trench coat, grab your favorite Ray-Bans and a rose, and dirty dance your way to the front of the bus, and move it your damn self.

Be your Oprah moment..

Be your own big reveal.

Be your own super hero.

SHOW THE WORLD WHO TF YOU REALLY ARE

When you defeat an enemy in Final Fantasy, at the end of the battle usually there is a "Victory Move" that happens. I think my character would be doing a happy dance.

Now I promise I did not know that this is a quote until today I Google searched inspirational quotes about being 30 days sober because I really don't have anything all that inspirational to say about it.

My post from last night I had mentioned how one of the worst things that most addicts do is take two steps forward and then they take three steps backwards and unfortunately the third step backwards it's usually a doozy.

30 days woohoo. I don't feel that proud of myself. I really feel like I could be doing better than I am even though I know that 30 days ago was the last time I used.

Am I supposed to feel stronger? Am I supposed to feel saved? What are 30 days sober supposed to feel like?

I figured that at 30 days clean Id feel different. I don't know maybe I figured I'd get a superpower or something cool like that. Nope. The only thing I feel different is that my blood pressure isn't quite as high my brain ain't quite as crazy (she's lying! She is still a nutcase-dewey) and my house is a little bit messier since I'm not up all night cleaning. (Cleaning.... tweaking.. same thing)

Well if anyone can tell me when I get my super powers, let me know. That way I have my super suit ready for when I get these awesome sober super powers.

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The wording of this step is *ehhhh* 🧐🤔

Everyone's beliefs are different. A "power greater than yourself" could mean many things. For me, this power is of course God and Mother Nature. The Universal Powers that Be. And when the universal powers figure out how to make you listen, they will get louder Louder LOUDER until you HAVE to listen. Listen or go insane. Step Two is usually the step that most addicts get stuck at step two and three and move no further, because let's face it: most of us acknowledge that we have a problem, that we don't know what we can do for ourselves to stop it, (because just NOT buying drugs or alcohol is never that simple right?) and so many of us are truly God fearing people, and come on, anyone who's done Acid can tell you of the wonders of mother nature (and everyone knows Hippies love shrooms and acid) and so many of us are jailhouse Christians when we go to jail and when we get out "we ain't ever gonna use again!"

How many times have you been to jail and gotten clean and sober off the drugs and even going to the AA meetings in the Bible studies mainly just as something to pass by time until you get out? We all become jailhouse Christians. Now I know some people really are saved and find God when they go to jail but it's a matter of how many people just find God when they go to jail and then forget about all of that in the minute they get back to their regular lives?

I think almost every addict that I know reaches step 2 in jail. And a lot of people will complete step three and four but really in their hearts they're only on step two. Because what step three is is when you decide to take step one in step two and combine them into one whole thing and actually f****** do something about changing your life. Step One and step two are the easy steps. Most front porches have two steps that ain't s*** walk up two steps walk back down and walk up two steps walk back down I can do that all night long.

Such as the story of people living in active addiction. Take two steps forward take three steps back the problem is when you take two steps forward and take four steps back because then you done took your step that you just took the step you took before that and then youre where you started standing and if you step back again that means you die...

Now like I said at the beginning I don't know how I feel about the wording of this step because the "sanity" part. Y'all, my sanity was gone long before my sobriety was. I mean come on, I am 35 and have had the same imaginary friend my whole life. His name is Dewey. He says Howdy.

Now to summarize:

I have admitted that I have a problem.

Step One: Admitted we were powerless over our addiction — that our lives had become unmanageable.

This step is so simple yet so hard. Because so many of us are so certain of the fact that we have complete and total control of our addictions "I do the drugs the drugs don't do me!" as many of us have said to to ourselves and others as we try to validate our addiction and try to dismiss it that's something that we can drop at any time. I can remember telling many people that I didn't have a problem that I could quit whenever I wanted to and then almost 10 years went by and I was still using. A line here and there turn to smoking turn to shooting turn to a half gram habit a shot. But I did the drugs drugs didn't do me.

The moment I realized that maybe just maybe I needed help is the moment that God reached down and said I'm here child I'll help you.

I never would have told you a few years ago that I'd be sitting here telling you that I was saved that I found God that I found the right way to go that I figured out everything I was doing wrong and that 95% of everything that had been wrong with me for so long was based around my drug use.