• becca •

Autumn is my favorite time of year.

The weather is usually nice, the foliage gets even more beautiful, and there’s a certain smell to the air that comforts me. I really enjoy autumn, and I really enjoyed your company. Even if it was only text messages and long distance phone calls, I genuinely enjoyed speaking to you. You made me feel wanted, like I mattered to someone.

I spent all of autumn and half of winter waiting eagerly to hear from you each day. At first it was perfect. Hours and hours on the phone, talking about anything and everything. I dreamed about you. I even daydreamed about you. I was falling in love with you, I think.

But when the leaves were all fallen from the trees, just like my favorite time of the year, you drifted away too. Our five-hour phone conversations turned into one-word text replies. Eventually those stopped, too. My calls were ignored, messages left on read, or sometimes not even opened for days.

It’s been nearly five months since the first time we talked on the phone, and somehow even after all that time, it’s like we’re strangers once again.

I asked you what I did or said wrong, but you insisted that it was nothing I did or didn’t do. I told you it hurt my feelings that we aren’t close anymore and you said you’re just tired from work and you’d call me later on that night. My phone never rang.

If you want space, just tell me. If you want me to leave you alone, just tell me. Whatever it is you want just tell me. Nothing hurts more than the silence.

And it’s not even like I really have anything to grieve, either. There was no official relationship, nothing to label the loss I feel. What am I supposed to say when someone asks me what’s wrong? “Oh, the guy I was ‘talking to’ for five months ghosted me and I don’t know why but I’m really sad and confused about it”? Yeah, that sounds totally normal.

But it’s whatever. I hope you figure out whatever it is going on with you and I hope you learn to be happier.

I do not give a shit what guys like.

I did not pierce my ears or my nose because “guys like girls with piercings”

I did not get tattooed because “guys like girls with tattoos”

I do not wear Star Wars t-shirts or soft sweaters or skinny jeans or comfy leggings because “guys like girls who dress like that”

I do not groom my eyebrows or wear makeup because “guys like girls with pretty faces”

I do this shit all for myself because I like the way my appearance makes me feel when I do it.

I do not want to lose weight for any male to gaze upon my body whether it be obese or anorexic. I want to lose weight because my joints hurt. I want to lose weight because I’ve doubled my pant size in the last year and a half. I want to lose weight because I look into the mirror and see a creature that looks nothing like the person I want to be.

I want to lose weight and be healthy, something I am not currently. Mentally and physically. This shit is for me and me alone. I could not give a single fuck less about what anyone else wants for my body.