Beta.

Gue gak tau mau dia apa.

Gak usah gue. Dia bahkan juga bingung maunya apa.

Jujur, ini sangat melelahkan bagi gue.

Energi gue udah gak cukup sepertinya untuk meladeni kisah yang membingungkan ini.

Capek.

Dia jahat bangeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Kebangetan. Orang yg paling jahat di muka bumi iniiiiiii.

Gue benci mantan pertama gue dan dia. Gue benci bangeeeeeeeeeet. Gak sukaaaaaaaaa.

Sangat amat tidak sukaaaaaaaaaa.

Ya Allah, hamba lagi dijahatiiiiin niiiih.

Kata orang-orang, doa org yang terzolimi itu qobul.

Yaudah hamba mau berdoa ajaaaaa setelah iniii hamba langsung dapet suamiiiiii yg seimaaan, kaya raya, tampan, selisih umur 1-5 tahun, sehat, setia, penyayang, pengalah, gak galak, bucin sama hamba, lebih tinggi dari hamba, ganteng, pekerja keras, pinter, gak pelit, dan bisa kasih keturunan yg sehat.

Ngerasa painful dan emotional sekali semalam tuh.

Tapi sejak tadi pagi sampai sekarang, gue sudah jauh lebih tenang.

Gue mendapatkan pembelajaran lagi dari Allah lewat kejadian ini yang mana kalau ada yg deketin tanpa ada kepastian, langsung skip sejak awal bahkan baiknya ditanyakan aja intensi ngedeketinnya apa.

Dan gue menaruh keyakinan penuh ke Allah bahwa saat sudah waktunya, pasti Allah akan kasih gue jodoh yg sesuai dengan doa gue yg gue impikan. Aamiin. hahahahaha

love you deh Allah.

Gue gak tau mau dia apa.

Gak usah gue. Dia bahkan juga bingung maunya apa.

Jujur, ini sangat melelahkan bagi gue.

Energi gue udah gak cukup sepertinya untuk meladeni kisah yang membingungkan ini.

Capek.

Dia jahat bangeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Kebangetan. Orang yg paling jahat di muka bumi iniiiiiii.

Gue benci mantan pertama gue dan dia. Gue benci bangeeeeeeeeeet. Gak sukaaaaaaaaa.

Sangat amat tidak sukaaaaaaaaaa.

Ya Allah, hamba lagi dijahatiiiiin niiiih.

Kata orang-orang, doa org yang terzolimi itu qobul.

Yaudah hamba mau berdoa ajaaaaa setelah iniii hamba langsung dapet suamiiiiii yg seimaaan, kaya raya, tampan, selisih umur 1-5 tahun, sehat, setia, penyayang, pengalah, gak galak, bucin sama hamba, lebih tinggi dari hamba, ganteng, pekerja keras, pinter, gak pelit, dan bisa kasih keturunan yg sehat.

There are around nine thousand stars clear to the naked eye scattered amongst our night sky. Growing up, I heard that most of the stars that I could see were already dead. Burnt out, gone; hollow. This felt indicative of how people were around me. The ones who burnt the brightest, the ones who did the most, crashed the hardest. When you shine so bright, you have to run out of fuel eventually, right? I figured this must be the way of the world, if even our heavens that looked down on us followed the same patterns. If I wanted to be something, I should expect to end up as nothing just as fast. But did you know that isn't actually true? Did you know that less than one percent of the stars that we can see when we gaze upwards to the night is gone? Less than one percent. Less than one, so why do I feel like I am burning out so quickly when I haven't even begun? I feel like this want, this desire, this burn to be something more will eat me alive. My insatiable hunger to exist will be what kills me. Like the stars in the sky, I want to be ethereal in my existence. I want more, and yet I find myself out of fuel, running on empty. I thought I shared this with the night, but apparently I was always hollow alone. If not a star, maybe I'm just a broken street lamp. Flickering hopelessly, burnt out, waiting for a change. Waiting to throw out this broken light, and trade in for a new one that will crackle with fresh electricity, to shine bright and new again.

I feel fragile in a way I never have before. I feel hollow, a shell of myself. I don't know how to talk about it, and even if I did, I don't know what I'd say. It's like I'm an empty nesting doll, my smile painted on. I look okay, but everything inside is missing. I'm here, but only just barely. I'm going through the motions on autopilot. My mind has checked out, so it's good my body remembers what to do. Brush my teeth, wash my face, go to work. Smile, make small talk, go home. Take my medication. Stare at the wall. Tell my friends I'm fine. Cry empty tears with soundless wails. Sleep. Repeat. I don't know why I'm this broken from this little. It feels like it should be nothing, I'm treated like it should be nothing. There's this expectation that I should just go back to my life the same way it was, slide back into routine flawlessly. So I'm trying, bending my fragile fragments to form familiar figures. I'm ignoring the itch in my brain that screams that I'm not okay, and I'm doing my best to glue myself together as I fall apart. It's getting harder to gather broken pieces when I'm losing more of myself every day.

Ternyata, butuh waktu untuk kita sampai pada sebuah pemahaman. Ia perlu melewati beragam rasa hati, membuat kita pernah terpikir tidak berarti, merasa tidak berharga, tak ada harapan.

Padahal semua proses itu bertujuan untuk memepertemukan diri kita kemarin dengan hari ini. Pertemuan yang ternyata begitu membekas, kita melihat diri kita telah tumbuh diluar dugaan.