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@bebbanburged
โขย DESTINY IS ALL.ย โค
independent & selective roleplay blog for uhtred of the last kingdom.ย verse dependent & headcanon based.
managed from @princewished. this blog is 18+.
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mun is 21+ โข they/she โข EST
โขย QUICK LINKSย โค
guidelinesย ย active threadsย ย bioย ย mains
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@kingalfrcd sent: " iโveโฆ made some mistakes.ย "
Uhtred huffed softlyโwetly. The tears were kept at bay only just; his pacing was the only thing affording him privacy, even if only a veneer. Though Alfred's body now failed him, Alfred himself had never lost his keen sight nor sharp wit, and both were too often used to Uhtred's detriment.
Still, Uhtred could not find it in himself to feel ashamed nor shunned. He had been with Alfred many years; had hated him and been hated; had scorned him and been scorned; had betrayed and been betrayed by. But he had also loved and been loved, and that was, to Uhtred's immense shockโthough somehow not to his surpriseโworth the pain.
Loved and been loved, hated and been hated. Had made mistakes, and had been on the receiving end of Alfred's own.
He could say with confidence that Alfred had not suffered worse in their relationship, though he could acknowledge that there was fault to be placed upon both of them. It had now come to the time that Alfred and his God confronted blame and suffering and punishment, and that Uhtred embraced forgiveness and love and tenderness.
He and Alfred had always been opposites. They fit too well within Alfred's chronicle: the perfect antithesis, down to Alfred, who deliberately recorded his legacy in literature, and Uhtred, who unwittingly forged his own in loyalty.
Loyaltyโthat which Uhtred though had no reward. In truth, rewarded too much, too late. Too final. How to now tell the man that he has so despised (and loved, and loved) that he had finally given Uhtred the appreciation that he had earned, and yet that it was too final by far?
Uhtred stopped pacing and pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment, trying to disguise how he dashed away his tears. When he felt he could look up without betraying himself, his voice was as steady as it was softened by sincerity. "Leave them now, lord. I have my peace. I give to you yours."
๐๐ง๐ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ฒ ๐ฉ๐ซ๐จ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ญ๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐ญ. ๐
iโve made emotional ones before but also, angst?? bon appetit!
โ i canโt do this aloneโฆย โ
โ i canโt do this without you.ย โ
โ nothing is worth losing you.ย โ
โ i canโt lose you! not again!ย โ
โ i donโt wanna lose you!ย โ
โ i love youโฆย โ
โ i never shouldโve dragged you into this.ย โ
โ youโre not alone, [NAME]โฆ you never were.ย โ
โ if something happened to youโฆ that would be because of me. and i canโt have that.ย โ
โ โฆdid you know about this?ย โ โ this is all my faultโฆย โ
โ i/we/you lostโฆย โ
โ you wonโt win.ย โ โ this path youโre onโฆ itโs gonna get you killed. you know that, though; donโt you?ย โ
โ i canโt stop.ย โ
โ you would tell me if something was wrong. wouldnโt you?ย โ
โ itโs like youโre not really here; even when you are.ย โ
โ donโt you get it?! if anything happens to you, iโฆ i donโt know what iโd do!ย โ
โ you have no idea how important you are to me, and iโm tired of waiting for you to figure it out, and i sure as hell wonโt wait to announce it over your reckless assโ grave!ย โ
โ no! iโm not leaving without you!ย โ
โ i canโt do this anymoreโฆย โ
โ you donโt even know me.ย โ
โ what have you done?!ย โ
โ youโre shakingโฆย โ
โ iโveโฆ made some mistakes.ย โ
โ you are nothing to me.ย โ
โ you were never nothing to meโฆย โ
โ stop it. enough of this self-sacrificing bullshit! stop acting like you have nobody who loves you! you have me! so no! you donโt get to be a martyr. not today! we can figure out a different planโฆย โ
โ i wouldโve done anything for youโฆย โ
โ iโd risk everything and anything for you.ย โ
โ iโm not a good person.ย โ
โ please donโt look at me like thatโฆย โ
โ i believed in you!ย โ
โ we canโt loseโฆย โ
โ what?! what am i supposed to do?! please! tell me, what the hell am i supposed to do?!ย โ
โ please, just goโฆ iโm not the kind of person anyone needs to be around right now.ย โ
โ what happened to you? huh? what happened to you to make you this way?ย โ
โ theyโre coming for you. right? thatโs why youโre pushing me away like an idiot? because you donโt want me getting hurt?ย โ
โ nothingโs going to be as good as it was before.ย โ
โ you lied to me!ย โ
โ i didnโt mean for any of this to happen!ย โ
โ i canโt trust you anymoreโฆย โ
โ i know itโs selfish. god knows, ever since we met, iโve been the reason behind every threat and danger thatโs come your way. butโฆ i honestly canโt say that iโd change a second of it.ย โ
โ itโs been an honour knowing you.ย โ
โ thereโs nobody else i can turn to. only you.ย โ
โ i donโt trust anybody else. not the way i trust you.ย โ
โ we have no choiceโฆย โ
โ why?! why are you helping me?!ย โ
โ itโs too late. thereโs nothing more we can doโฆย โ
โ please donโt goโฆ donโt leave me.ย โ
โ you are everything to me. okay? EVERYTHING. i canโt lose youโฆย โ
โ you deserve better than thisโฆ better than meโฆย โ
โ i thought i could give you a better life. instead, iโm the reason itโs gotten worseโฆ iโm so sorry.ย โ
genuinely just under two years ago @bebbanburged asked: โ i was worried something happened to you. โ
WHAT TO SAY? Alfredโs mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. His relationship with Uhtred had beenโฆ TUMULTUOUS, to say the least. With Uhtred refusing to accept the existence of the one true God, with Uhtred failing to respect Alfredโs authority on multiple occasions, with the Danes calling Uhtred the next KING OF MERCIAโฆ
And yet, there had always been something there. A connection. A BOND. Alfred had never wanted to admit it; he STILL didnโt, but how long could he deny the truth?
He knew about the rumors, rumors that spoke of his illness progressing, rumors that spoke of him ON HIS DEATHBED โ or already dead. He had spies, spies that NOT EVEN THE WITAN knew about, spies that reported to him DIRECTLY and told him everything the people were saying โ about him, about Wessex, about Daneland.
And even about UHTRED.
Uhtred, who said he was WORRIED. Not mislead, not misinformed, not deceived. Worried.
For a moment, the usually calculating look in Alfredโs eyes faded. HIS EXPRESSION SOFTENED, a peculiar warmth washing over him. It wasnโt just Uhtredโs words; it was his face. He lookedโฆ RELIEVED.
โI am aliveโฆ AND WELL,โ he finally replied, his voice as calm as it usually was โ but there was a SUBTLE DIFFERENCE in his tone, something almost similar toโฆ affection? It was subtle, but it was there.
And just as quickly as it had made itself known, it disappeared, his tone STILL CALM but more neutral now. โI recognize your concern for my wellbeing. It isโฆ APPRECIATED.โ
Uhtred was aware, often to painstaking degrees, just how little Alfred cared for him.
Alfred was a smart man, for all that he was cruel; he cared enough for Uhtred as a warrior and a weapon. Yet there was a stark difference between caring for someone's wellbeing and caring for someone as they were on the whole, and Uhtred had spent many nights rolling it over in his minds like tumbling rocks. Alfred had infected him with the anxiety of deep thought, and Uhtred now catered to that sickness as though it was something dear. When it demanded attention, Uhtred faithfully obliged.
It was, ironically enough, how Uhtred viewed Alfred, though perhaps to a less bitter degree. It was difficult for Uhtred to view the things he had conjured from himself with any sort of derision; as a rule he allowed himself to be dictated by instinct, and such a sentence demanded a lack of judgment. The circumstances that stood beyond his control, however, were given no pardon, and Alfred least of all.
Yet there was an undeniable connection between them that seemed to transcend their roles, insofar as Uhtred was permitted certain privileges. It brought forth memories of Earl Ragnar's hounds. There were two in particular that he'd favored: Anksel and Sรธren, the best of his hunting dogs. Before Uhtred had been named a son of Ragnar, he had spent many nights watching as they were fed scraps from Earl Ragnar's own plate. They were treated with abundant affection, patted and petted and praised, though this never dissuaded Earl Ragnar from smacking them soundly if they stepped out of line.
It was this part that hurt the most, particularly now that Uhtred was under Alfred's thumb and, in fact, in Anksel and Sรธren's position. He could remember well that even though they were tools, they were also loved.
Uhtred couldn't claim that Alfred shared the depths of the affection that Earl Ragnar had held for his hounds... though he sometimes believed he saw a glimmer of it. And that was enough---just as the pats and praise were for Anksel and Sรธren--- for Uhtred to disregard the abuse and come running back again. Because for all of the bad times, the good times were good.
Alfred was the illness Uhtred couldn't shake; the collar he couldn't slip from. But only because he simply wasn't trying to escape. There was something about Alfred, something captivating and compelling, that prevented Uhtred from forsaking him.
So when he'd heard the rumor that Alfred had been abducted, it felt as though his very lungs had constricted. The world had become bereft of air. Finally laying eyes on Alfred provided relief that Uhtred had only once felt: the first gasp of sweet air after nearly being drowned in a tub. The treasured ability to breathe after such desperation.
Alfred's tone was warm, which helped chase away some of the shadows in Uhtred's thoughts. He'd been plagued by different visions on his race back to Wessex, and the so-called appreciation Alfred was expressing was a comfort, even if it was to be regarded as only for Alfred's well-being.
Uhtred nodded and wet his lips, eyes scanning for injuries nonetheless. It would be like Alfred to lie about his state to avoid being vulnerable in front of him, foolish as that sentiment was.
"I'm glad of it, lord," he said when he'd determined there were no concealed injuries or ailments beyond what was now typical. "Rumors are traveling quickly, and with growing panic. They range from your abduction to your beheading."
#dailyragnar โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ
you: sends me my daily ragnar dose
me:
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@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: you're talking out of your ass.
"Maybe I am," Uhtred said. A sly smile lounged on his face, teasing. daring. "Are you going to put me in my place, farmer?"
Oh.
It was seldom that Leofric used his name (had Leofric ever used his name before now? Uhtred couldn't recall), and a jolt of heat began to pool low in his belly. It was serious now; that much Uhtred could plainly see. They had crossed a threshold. No turning back now.
Not that Uhtred wanted to.
"I never said I minded," Uhtred pointed out, a brow arching. The fingers digging into his collarbone were a welcome point of contact, firm but not yet painful. There was a part of Uhtred that wanted them to bruise anyway.
Though it was clear that they both knew precisely what was going on, it wasn't as if they were somewhere private. "If you are to prove your word," Uhtred said, and his tone was challenging even still, "maybe it's best done away from prying eyes."
HE WANTED IT, TOO. Leofric hadnโt feared rejection; the only thing heโd feared was the POTENTIAL AWKWARDNESS afterwards. Which, come to think of it, could very well still happen โ but Leofric was pretty sure their banter would continue. Perhaps with more flirtation.
BUT UHTRED WAS RIGHT about taking this to a more private place. It wouldnโt do either of them good to be seen humping. But, as usual, Leofric couldnโt resist pushing Uhtred just a LITTLE BIT more.
โThat eager to GET ME ALONE, are you?โ His grip tightened, fingers digging in slightly more harshly before he released Uhtred completely. Even so, he didnโt break eye contact. It was clear that his desires were growing stronger by the second, and yet, he still couldnโt tear his gaze away, as if he was bewitched by some spell (not that he believed in those, anyway). โGo on. LEAD THE WAY.โ
Those fingers dug in more harshly, pinpoints of pain blossoming beneath them just before Uhtred was completely released. The change was immediate: a chill swept over his skin, goosebumps rising in its wake as all of the heat in his body was sent southwards.
Right. Leading the way.
"Happy to let me lead, then?" Uhtred smirked, jerking his head as he began to walk. "I should have known; Saxons really don't know how to properly handle a sword."
@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: โProve to me youโre more than just a pretty face, arseling.โ
Uhtred grinned, swinging his sword around to loosen his wrist. It was cramping a little; it didn't hurt yet, only ached. Uhtred would have to mind it. "I thought Saxons were blind, what with your plain women and scrawnier men. It is good to know that you appreciate appearances, farmer." Maybe Uhtred could make that work to his favor. For now he continued to circle Leofric, waiting him out. His wrist would keep, at least until this final duel was concluded.
@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: โPaint me like one of your Danish girls.โ
"Oh? And am I to hump you as one as well?" Uhtred's hands came to rest on his belt, his tone amused. "I've never considered myself an artist, though I'll suffer through an attempt. For your sake."
@bebbanburged asked: "Can you hear me?"
THE VOICE WAS MUFFLED. Alfred could barely make it out. And yet, it was a voice he would recognize anywhere, a voice that had both tormented and soothed him, a voice he could NEVER FORGET.
But the owner of the voice was the only thing clear in this situation. Nothing else had registered in his mind yet. His eyes, previously closed, slowly began to open; his muscles began to twitch as he blinked, taking in the world around him. CONFUSION filled Alfredโs eyes as he managed to speak, his words coming out slightly slurred.
โWHAT HAPPENED?โ
The relief that flooded Uhtred was instant, though the panic inside him was hardly doused. "Lord," he exhaled, dipping his head a little. He was dizzy from holding his breath. "You fainted."
Uhtred had seldom felt true terror; it was not, as a rule, an emotion that a warrior could allow himself. Fear, certainly: Uhtred's stomach still knotted before every battle, his hands sweating as he stood shoulder-to-shoulder in a shield wall.
But real terror, the paralyzing kind, was not to be indulged. This was the difference between life or death, of himself or his men; it was one of the few real principles Uhtred lived by. Conquering that terror was necessary if one was to lead a life such as his.
Watching Alfred hit the ground had nearly undone him.
Uncomfortably hot, still flushed and sweating from the way his stomach had flipped, Uhtred cleared his throat. "You've a lump on your head, just there." He didn't touch it; his fingertips ghosted, feather-light, through the hair just above Alfred's ear, trying to indicate the location without actually aggravating the injury.
@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: you're talking out of your ass.
"Maybe I am," Uhtred said. A sly smile lounged on his face, teasing. daring. "Are you going to put me in my place, farmer?"
Oh.
It was seldom that Leofric used his name (had Leofric ever used his name before now? Uhtred couldn't recall), and a jolt of heat began to pool low in his belly. It was serious now; that much Uhtred could plainly see. They had crossed a threshold. No turning back now.
Not that Uhtred wanted to.
"I never said I minded," Uhtred pointed out, a brow arching. The fingers digging into his collarbone were a welcome point of contact, firm but not yet painful. There was a part of Uhtred that wanted them to bruise anyway.
Though it was clear that they both knew precisely what was going on, it wasn't as if they were somewhere private. "If you are to prove your word," Uhtred said, and his tone was challenging even still, "maybe it's best done away from prying eyes."
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@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: โAethelwold says Alfred was caught humping a nun once.โ
"Aethelwold wouldn't know his arse from his mouth," Uhtred said, snorting into his mug. "I'd sooner trust a beggar with my coin purse than Aethelwold's word." Uhtred took a slow sip of his ale. "I'll be disappointed if there isn't more to that story, though," he admitted, and a grin burst forth. "I cannot imagine Alfred humping anyone, even with all of that practice on his knees."
Uhtred scoffed, rolling his eyes. "A man of God," he parroted. "As though priests have not humped and killed in the name of their so-called God. At least my gods are honest." Well, for the most part.
As for Alfred being his king... Uhtred scowled and took another swig of ale. "I have no king," he corrected, "and if I did, it most certainly would not be Alfred." This was true: Uhtred was not and never would be a man who Alfred could force beneath his thumb. Land or no land, that was a fact.
"Did he, though?" Uhtred asked after several more seconds. His curiosity wasn't to be tamed. "Hump a nun, that is."
Me (re)watching The Last Kingdom be like:
@bebbanburged
#dailyragnar ๐ฅบ๐ฅบ
@bebbanburged asked: "Are you jealous? It's most unbecoming." for Leofric
DEFLECTION. Immediate deflection.
Leofric snorted. โIn your dreams, arseling.โ Unlike others, he was able to look Uhtred in the eyes as he lied โ SO HE DID. No shame. โEnlighten me. WHAT do I have to be jealous of?โ
"Ah---so you have been thinking about my shape and size. Don't worry, farmer. I won't tell."
Oh, but it was so easy to rile Leofric up. And so fun, too: Uhtred would be lying if he said it wasn't a favorite pastime of his. There was something to be said about having Leofric's attention, much less keeping it, and Uhtred was only a man.
"And," he added casually, "you certainly must know how skilled women are at performing, if only for the fact they hump the likes of lesser men than me or you."
He was toeing a line here. A razor's edge. He just couldn't help himself.
"No" he said, "honesty comes in rare form."
@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: you're talking out of your ass.
"Maybe I am," Uhtred said. A sly smile lounged on his face, teasing. daring. "Are you going to put me in my place, farmer?"
โWE BOTH KNOW I could beat your ass in a fight any day.โ Maybe that wasnโt ENTIRELY true, but it was certainly true enough if Leofric managed to catch him off-guard. His eyes suddenly narrowed, hands gripping Uhtredโs shoulders as he thrusted his full weight forward, slamming Uhtredโs back up against the wall. TOO EASY. Uhtred may be fast and agile, but Leofric was stronger (hopefully). Lowering his voice to a whisper, Leofric took the challenge in stride, leaning in closer.
โWas THIS what you wanted?โ
Pain flashed through his spine as all of the air in his lungs left him in one fell whoosh, accompanied only by a soft grunt. Leofric was heavy; Uhtred could throw him off, but where was the fun in that? Especially when Leofric leaned in so close that their noses were almost touching.
Was this what he wanted?
Yeah, actually.
Refusing to look away first, Uhtred's tongue darted out to wet his lips, his eyes locked on Leofric's. That smile was threatening to break free again---no longer teasing. coy. "This is the place you want me in."
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@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: you're talking out of your ass.
"Maybe I am," Uhtred said. A sly smile lounged on his face, teasing. daring. "Are you going to put me in my place, farmer?"
@fantasywritten's Leofric sent: โAethelwold says Alfred was caught humping a nun once.โ
"Aethelwold wouldn't know his arse from his mouth," Uhtred said, snorting into his mug. "I'd sooner trust a beggar with my coin purse than Aethelwold's word." Uhtred took a slow sip of his ale. "I'll be disappointed if there isn't more to that story, though," he admitted, and a grin burst forth. "I cannot imagine Alfred humping anyone, even with all of that practice on his knees."
