¡sim!

A veces pienso “¿por qué sigo aquí?”, pero entonces me doy cuenta de que suelo ser la única persona que está ahí para sacar las cosas que “no se comen” de la boca de mi perro y creo que exista la idea de “si no eres director de una empresa, no eres nada especial”, pero mi perro sigue vivo gracias a mi y yo sigo vivo gracias a otras personas así que quizás estoy aquí simplemente para acariciar catos y ponerme suéters y ayudar a las personas a sacarse el cristal de la boca, ¿sabes? Quizás no sea un director de empresa pero quizás algún día podré ayudar a alguien a poder pagar su billete de vuelta a casa y creo que eso está bastante bien.

Adivinó mi color favorito en el primer intento… Pero entre nosotros… Ni siquiera tenía un color favorito antes de que gritara “¡amarillo!”, estaba muy emocionada y sonreía como una niña. Así que le dije que tenía razón. Y para ser sincero, no he vuelto a ver el color amarillo de la misma forma. Está en todo. Probablemente podría vivir en él ahora.

Si quieres entender la psique de nuestra generación, mira a las historias que nos contamos a nosotros mismos sobre el futuro. No son coches voladores or perros robot, es vigilancia gubernamental sin rostro y pandemias mundiales, es brutalidad policíaca militarizada y los últimos trozos de humanidad luchando para sobrevivir. Nuestra generación no es egocéntrica, o vaga, o lo que quieran decir de nosotros. Somos jóvenes. Estamos aquí. Y tenemos mucho, mucho miedo.

readers: i hope you will update this story soon

some jonghyun moments i never want to forget

Every morning when I wake up, my mother sees my dead looking eyes and asks “what’s wrong?” And every morning I tell her, “Nothing at all” After all, nothing is wrong. The moon is still revolving around earth, and earth is still revolving around the sun. The birds are still chirping, this city is still buzzing. And this is how life is supposed to be isn’t it? Sometimes soul mates aren’t meant to be together, sometimes one becomes unhealthy for the other. So you move on, find new people to love and you never allow yourself to wonder “will I ever love anyone else I meet the same way I loved them?” But I’m an over thinker, and that question is always on the back of mind. “will I ever really be able to move on?” “If nothing is wrong, then why do you have that look on your face?” my mother asks again. And I don’t know what else to do except to shrug at her and walk away. Because nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong, but I still wake up half dazed because I would rather be in dreamland than in a reality that refuses to acknowledge my pain. Nothing is wrong, yet my chest is always tight and there’s a constant imaginary lump in my throat; just on the verge of crying but not quite there. Nothing is wrong at all, but I suck at goodbyes; and even more so at talking about it. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either.

I am pushing myself every day, to be a better person, to learn, to be someone worth something some day. Trying to do it all, but the truth is, it doesn’t matter. None of it does. Nothing I do ever will, it never has. At the end of the day, I’m just a small girl with dreams that are way out of her league - stuck between living in the moment and planning the next 10 years of my life, between being okay with not having life figured out and crying myself to sleep because i have no idea what to do. Trying so hard and still not being good enough, having people who expect great things but tell me I’m worth nothing. On good days, I’m okay with everything I’ve achieved. I’m okay with who I am and who I have become. I’m okay with not having my life figured out at 19. There’s gotta be more to life than being right and making sound decisions, there’s gotta be more than just following a plan. But on the bad, all i can think about is turning 20 in two short days, and being nowhere close to achieving what I’ve always wanted. Nowhere close to being someone who’s on a path to greatness, no one who deserves a damn thing in the world. On the bad nights, I can’t figure out if my existence has even a tiny bit of importance. So what if i do my hardest every day? The bad days make me question everything I do, have ever done. Make me question every decision I’ve made, I keep thinking that if I just vanished, nothing would change. On the bad days, every mistake, every little error is a demon of its own, telling me I won’t ever be enough. And with each bad day, a good one seems to get further and further away. I’m stuck and i don’t quite know how to rescue myself. No one can say things worse than what I tell myself every second of the day. So what do you do, when you are your own nightmare come to life?