A Bird May Love A Fish, But Where Would They Live?

Often,

I find myself apologizing.

To myself

To You

To Everyone

For what, though?

Because I have these ongoing issues(chronic illness)that cannot be ignored.

Trust me, I’d love to set them aside and go to the grocery.. or have casual hangouts on a whim or Satan forbid! Make plans for the future with anyone for fear that once the day comes I’ll be too ill or in dire pain and need rest.

Bed bound forever

Woe is me!

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I actually forget the point of this post.

I was less stoned when I started.

Ah well.

Ooooo I think I was upset because I haven’t been able to leave the bed today. I’ve had migraine.. vertigo.. pyramids cramps…. So I’m beating myself up for having chronic illness? Is that it?! Humans are so silly. 🪿

This is why people off themselves. I’m not going to have to worry about killing myself.. the stress is gunna conjure a disease if I don’t fix this. FCK.

Moving back to Ontario was the worst mistake of my existence. I 100% would not have done it if I knew this would be the outcome. Misery.

Entire body, mind and spiritual collapse.

I felt that.. still feeling it.

Also… SPOILER FOR THE LAST OF US

(Yeah.. I’m late to the party on game and show. So what. Mind your fckn business. Did I ask you to read my diary?! No.. YOU chose violence.. this is your hell)

…. Anyways.. if you’re still here.. too bad!!

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So obviously Joel FCKN DIES.

How anticlimactic was that lead up?!

Also.. ok……..

And thank Gaia for fanfic!!!

Also fuuuuuuck you to the perverts who are like.. ‘you know what’s a great fckn idea 💡?!?!!!?!? Let’s come up with a cool concept.. but then sprinkle in some fckn PEDOPHELIA and make Joel and Ellie fck!!! Ewwwwwww! As if making her straight and fck her father figure was a great idea????? I hate you.

And anyone reading this that are like.. it’s not that bad.. she would be of age.. FCK YOU.. you need to be investigated.

Back to fanfic being good.

Gooooood girl. Goooood.

Oooo right.. but first! I only got to LITERALLY Joel Ded boi.. her wanting to kill fireflies after done in hospital.

Why use many word.

…… so then I started blasting!

.. I mean…… I stopped watching.. and started reading fanfic that started where Abby had the golf club and then Ellie comes in and SHOOTS THAT CUNT IN THE SKULL 💀 but Tommy gets killed instead and thus begins a different story all together.

And that.. my little cunts….

Don’t fckn challenge my willingness to be persistent when I want something bad enough.

That apartment will be ours.

Ooooo yes.

Speaking of treating people like garbage and fckn hating everyone. Especially men. I changed my of@black-moss links in bio. Find it. Don’t.

If you’re just staring at me, while slowly walking directly in my way and you CAN move over.. but I cannot…… and you don’t bother aand almost collide……..?

I’m probably going to point out how fuxking stupid the human race is.. and how parents should teach their dumb fckn children how to exist in stores. All day I deal with these mindless adults and their even more mindless children.

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My family is so fckd.

I explain I need representation for an LTB hearing. Have all the documentation/text, just need someone on the day.. reach out to cousin who literally does this for a living.. nope..

Then there is my mum.

My brother has done nothing but put her & I both down for years & years. I have not talked to him since he made disgusting comments about my community(LGBT+) back in 2016(well, that’s a wee fib, I’ve tried to talk to him but he always ends up being homophobic/transphobic/racist so I finally went no contact a few years ago)after the pulse shooting happened.

He is such a homophobic sh*t.

Anyways, he is crying to my mother for money now.. saying he got hurt and can’t work or some bullsh*t. I told her he is almost 100% lying.

Now she is saying ‘well, we all make mistakes! Excuse the fuck out of me? I don’t walk around being a homophobic/racist pos. Or call my mother and sister cunts.. do I?!?!

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I continue to spiral 🌀

To lose myself.

The world is in complete chaos.

I love and adore my wife. But this place continues to make me sick.. mentally & physically.

I hate myself more than ever.

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Suffocating in my own fckn thoughts over here.

It’s so incredibly pointless. We all can conclude that what will be, will surely be, and nothing will get in the way of others decisions.

I can’t get over something her mother(if you can even call such a horrendous creature such a thing)said quite a few years a go when her & the father(again, not my idea of what a father would ever aspire to be, but I digress..)had come to BC to visit.

She said to me(the mother creature)that my wife was her baby, and that she would(very matter of factly)get her back to her in Ontario, living close by to the family like she is meant to be. Not way out in BC where she has no business being.

You know, with me.

The one she loathes.

The one she hates with a fiery fierce homophobic passion since the day I dared challenge her narcissism and bullsh*t.

Yet, her we are.

On planet fckn HOTH. Crotch deep in snow. Preggo sister fresh from the Hab! And good for her! (Insert clapping and proudness..)

but like.. fck me amiriiiight!?

Fck going back home.

Fck our plans.

Fck my health.

Fck my happiness.

Just.. fck.

It’s never what I want.

I never wanted to leave home.

I never wanted to move to NS.

Never wanted to come back to Onterrible.

I certainly don’t want to end up raising a baby(why is that definitely a thing that I think is gonna end up happening?) and I just feel like there’s nothing I can do to stop the snowball from rolling.

I don’t know what my vents are about..

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Having full blown anxiety attacks because my future is so scattered before me & I have no idea what direction it’s going.

I feel like there is going to be great loss on my end. Not in a death sort of way.. just an ending. I don’t know if that’s just my dream of finally getting back home this year to BC.

Which.. if I ever move back, that’s now an entire live decision that I’d be doing without my whole ass wife because she has family matters that have firmly cemented her here.. forever. From her narcissistic family.. who make everything about them and trap her.. now.. with a new life.

.. I’m supposed to believe that wasn’t part of some plan to keep her here.

If I stay in this province. I’ll continue to be sicker. My chronic illnesses do so bad here.. my mental heath does so bad here.

I believe deep down, that staying here, ultimately means my wife and I will be raising a baby.

Isn’t that just so messed up?

For someone who is against bringing children into this world.. who is child-free by choice and has no desire in their heart or soul for such a little thing….

… I just. Can’t.

She knows I can’t.

It would end us.

That’s it. I think this is where the anxiety is the most prevalent.

I’ll lose my person. My love. It’s almost our 10year anniversary.

This baby is due.. around our anniversary.

I can’t even with how my head is spinning.

I feel sick.

Nausea is overwhelming me.

I want to stop thinking now. Thanks🌿