when the most important person in your life and the literal backbone of your support system tells you that your mental illness inconveniences them and makes their life difficult, and insinuates that you do/don’t do things because you’re “making excuses” or just “don’t want to do them”, it’s really fucking hard to come back from that! thanks! now that i’m not the only person vocalizing how much easier everyone else’s life would be without me, i’m totally free to fucking die!!!! it doesnt matter how much you kiss me and tell me you love me and treasure me and care about my recovery, i still know that you really wish you didnt have to deal with me!

*sighs loudly* i wish literally anybody gave a shit about me... absolutely nobody is observing me at all enough to notice any changes in my mood or behavior. my professors and advisors are all concerned about my performance but people i considered my very good friends have absolutely no fucking clue what's happening or that i'm this fucking depressed and struggling this much. Who Will Bear Witness To My Sorrow?

i miss summer and i want to have friends to take pictures of who will take pictures of me and i want to get tattoos and drink boba and get miso in the evenings when it's cool and i want to have any desire at all to draw and paint and write. i want to start writing again! i'm sick of shouting into the void i want real people to want to hear what i have to say and be interested in paying $2 for a zine i make and i want to read more and be better and make better art and spend weeks at a time in an alpine meadow with the wildflowers but i'll probably just kill myself instead *shruggy meme face*