Hi My Name Is Angela

The Good:

NASA inserted satellite MAVEN into Mars' orbit on Sunday night. The satellite will collect data on Mars' atmosphere - data that can tell us what it will take to put humans on Mars.

Thousands of Baltimore Ravens fans turned in their Ray Rice jerseys in exchange for the jersey of a player who is not a known criminal. Good job being decent, Baltimore Ravens + fans!

Afghanistan elected a new president, finally. This could mark the first peaceful democratic transfer of power in Afghanistan's history.

The Bad:

A bunch of people (over 300,000 of them!) went to #PeopleClimateMarch in New York City. Leonardo DiCaprio was one of those people. They left a LOT of trash behind, which has to make you question just how "green" their motives are.

The WTF:

Senator Mary Landrieu, a Lousiana Democrat, lended a helping hand to a constituent. I'm okay with Senators being human. Maybe a little undignified, but this looks like it's at an LSU tailgate and from what I've heard, dignity isn't welcome there.

At least now she'll be known for something other than lying about where she lives...

A man tried to break into the White House grounds, which would normally be kind of funny, but he's an Iraq veteran suffering from PTSD, and it's just horrible that he has been failed so very badly. 

The UN Security Council has unanimously declared that Ebola is a "threat to international peace." Ebola has yet to comment on the matter.

Just flew back from an amazing few days in Colombia. Lots of time on planes means lots of time to write – and an Obama presidency means no lack of things to make fun of. SO! Fasten your tray tables and return your seat back to an upright and locked position. This is Weekend Recap #3!

All eyes are on Scotland at the beginning of this week, as a referendum vote will be held on Tuesday to decide whether or not the region will become its own independent country. Polls are showing 54% of people favor independence. As an American, I feel compelled to share that the whole independence-from-England thing turned out pretty well for us. But why does Scotland want to leave the UK? Maybe because a huge welfare state has made it poorer than every US state besides Mississippi? HMMMM.

Kind of a crappy weekend for England – English foreign aid worker David Haines was beheaded by ISIS, and those ISIS thugs are threatening to behead another. This is a guy who dedicated his life to helping people in the Middle East, and look how those people treat him in return. Reactions to this were predictable:

David Cameron has stated “We will hunt down those responsible and bring them to justice no matter how long it takes."

Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of Australia, has pledged military support.

Barack Obama spent Sunday on the golf course.

Hillary Clinton, presumed heir to the throne that is a liberal presidency, is now pretending to be Midwestern. This is fake, and misguided: Why do we make our presidential candidates pretend to be folksy? Do we want an average American in the White House? Having spent a lot of time on planes lately, I can tell you that the average American closely resembles a mozzarella stick, in that we are kinda crusty and filled with goo. Hillary Clinton is a former First Lady and Secretary of State and has about as much in common with Normals as I do with Mike Tyson. Nothing wrong with it – but everything wrong with lying about it.

CNN is currently showing that the Clintons are on “grandchild watch.” I’m happy for them, but the only Royal Baby I care about is the one currently cooking inside Beyoncé. That’s right: A second Babyoncé is upon us!

In NFL news, pro football players continue to be terrible human beings: Minnesota Viking Adrian Peterson has been charged with hitting his four-year-old son to the point of bleeding. Y’see, there’s physical punishment that’s gentle and teaches kids about consequences (okay) – and then there’s beating up a four-year-old (not so much). NFL players are such a streak of stupidity that it’s almost like these guys all get hit in the head repeatedly, by very strong people, on a regular basis!

Sadly, and a little closer to home, a gay student was assaulted in my neighborhood over the weekend. The police are calling it a “bias-related incident.” No no no. A bias-related incident is when a guy comes up to me in a bar wearing a Bluetooth headset and two popped collars, and I assume he’s a big fizzy douche. That’s an incident involving bias. Yelling slurs and attacking a gay student is a hate crime – and I hope the kid who got hurt is okay. In the meantime, we should tell it like it is – starting in our own communities.

Here’s to another week of famous people doing stupid things so I can make fun of it on the internet,

I’m waiting for my flight in the scenic Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, so you’re getting a Weekend Recap:

Princess Kate is pregnant and puking like crazy in Kensington Palace. Clarence House is reviewing her upcoming appearance schedule, saying she may be stuck at home for awhile depending on Royal Vomit.

Speaking of Things That Might Make You Vom: Ray Rice. He has been released from his contract with the Ravens and suspended indefinitely from the NFL. This happens ONLY AFTER the fine folks at TMZ leaked a video of Rice beating up his then-fiancee in an elevator, and then dragging her out of it like he’s a caveman. The NFL either ran a crappy investigation and never saw the video, OR saw the video and still only suspended him for two games initially. Quoth the Raven, “It is 2014 and this domestic violence shit will not be tolerated.”

Chik-fil-a Founder Truett Cathy passed away at the age of 93. He will be remembered by prissy northeast liberals as “the homophobic chicken man.” He will be remembered by the rest of us as a Christian, an American, a philanthropist, and an entrepreneur.

FINALLY, Obama has started to do something about ISIS. US air strikes near a critical dam in Iraq have destroyed ISIS humvees, armored cars, and other military equipment. Somebody should ask where ISIS got all that stuff…if it is equipment that the US left behind in Obama’s poorly-managed exit from Iraq, that is criminal recklessness and I’mma throw a hissy fit.

Joan Rivers' plan for her funeral, from her 2012 book "I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me." 

"I love funerals! To me a funeral is just a red carpet show for dead people."

What did you miss if you were hibernating this weekend? Well...

Politics:

ISIS is still evil and horrible and marching across Iraq. Today, video surfaced of ISIS murdering Steven Sotloff, a US citizen and journalist. Sotloff did some really incredible work in Libya and Syria - which I encourage you to check out.

Pro-Russian rebels are gaining ground in Ukraine and nearing a major port city. The EU is threatening to block Russian banks out of EU capital markets - Czech Republic may vote against this, but they need to Czech themselves befor they wzrech themselves (I'm so sorry, it was too easy, it had to happen).

Japan is dealing with an outbreak of Dengue fever - which is weird, because it's a tropical illness that you get from a mosquito bite and that country is ridiculously clean AND the average Japanese person sees the doctor more often than any other person on earth. Ebola is still going on, and still awful - BUT! Human trials of a potential Ebola vaccine are starting this week in Maryland.

Why is the White House missing from the politics section? Because they have done nothing notable yet. Get off the golf course, Barry.

Sports:

Michael Sam, that gay football player, may not be a football player anymore, no word on whether or not he's still gay. Dropped by the Rams - may go to the Cowboys. 

Bastian Schweinsteiger was named captain of the German soccer team, and I can't decide if his full name sounds more like a threat or a sneeze.

Pop Culture:

Angelina Jolie got married, in a dress that was weirdly shiny?

Carrie Underwood is pregnant with her and husband Mike Fisher's first child, If you know sports, you know Mike Fisher because he plays in the NHL. If you're me, you know Mike Fisher for being married to Carrie Underwood.

If you've got naked photos on iCloud, DELETE THEM RIGHT MEOW because hackers have exposed (literally) a bunch of celebrities over last weekend. 

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From an Amazon review of a mobile-controlled thermostat:

I'm at INCAE, a business school in Alajuela, Costa Rica. The country is almost entirely covered in rainforest. Everything is green! We are staying in "casitas" in a little village of houses that are built into the hillside and owned by the school.

My house has a little front porch, covered by an extension of the roof. This would not be notable save for the loud screeching sound that comes from SOMETHING that is living in that roof, every night, repeatedly. 

My next-door neighbors have the same thing, and since it's only at night, we haven't been able to see what is making that noise. Early guesses were: howler monkey, frog. Now we're thinking it may be a pissed off bird?