stoned and kinky

(Youkittenme)

A good check list might do:

Have they asked what you like?

Have they asked your hard limits?

Are they asking for your input on details?

DO THEY MAKE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE?

Are they only talking about themselves and what they want?

Have vanilla sex first. If they do anything you said not to during vanilla imagine what they could do during bdsm when you've handed them that power.

Are they responsible?

How much effort are they putting in compared to you?

Do not allow yourself to be pressured. If they are pushing you to do something then that's a big red 🚩 🚩 🚩

If they are demanding that you call them "sir" "daddy" etc. Without you giving consent first then thats an issue.

A bad dom will tell you they are a bad dom. With nothing more than a conversation. If you follow these and feel comfortable then go ahead but as soon as they go past what you've agreed to that's a fucking problem.

I hope this helps anon and others reading this.

Uses petnames like "sweetheart", "babygirl" etc. without your consent, right when first encountering you

Does not ask about your usual aftercare routine or your preferred safeword system

In general very focused on getting to the kink part as fast and as uncomplicated as possible

"I like that you're young/inexperienced" / "I have a preference for young/inexperienced subs"

"This can't be a hard limit for you, everyone likes that"

Doesn't use active participation in consent and negotiation. Sex and BDSM is something you do with someone not to someone, it's something you get to enjoy together not something you let someone do to you.

They'll talk badly about past subs/partners. This is a huge one!

They'll turn everything into sex, you won't be able to cuddle, make out, rub their back or have them rub yours without it becoming sexual. There's no intimacy or affection outside sex and BDSM play.

They won't care about issues that affect your gender/ASAB. Similarly, if a social issue doesn't affect them, they don't care about it.

There's no room to bend the rules when you have bad days. Similarly, you don't get the ability to explain yourself when rules do get broken.

They remind of your place as a way to control you (you're my sub, so I get to decide xyz not you) with no room for negotiation.

When the wheels fall of and things go bad, they don't take responsibility.

Won't give aftercare, won't ask you what kind of aftercare you need, only gives a certain amount or they make it seem like a chore.