we'll never get free

“What is it, Jug? Everything alright?”

“Cool, yes. But stupid as hell, Jug. Promise me you won’t do that again. I don’t want anything to happen to you. We gotta walk the stage together, remember?”

“I’m not a virgin! I’m like… half a virgin. Miss Grundy and I– I… I’m not supposed to talk about it but trust me. I’m not a virgin.

What’s Bert and Ernie got to do with it?”

“I don’t think that’s what people are looking at, Juggy...”

“People think we’re gay?”

“...I thought you were watching cat videos this whole time, man. I was wondering why that cat sounded so upset.”

“I know you’ve been going through it, Jug but this isn’t it. Alcohol? You’re not even twenty-one yet and like, I don’t mean to bring it up again but after everything with your dad? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore...”

“But Jug-- It’s turning purple. Is it supposed to turn that colour? ...Are you okay, man?”

“Yeah. Consider it an apology. I didn’t mean to step on your neck last night. Sometimes I forget you’re down there.”

“Really? And that white stuff on your face is just mayonnaise, right? Pft. Sure. Whatever, man.”

“Theory? Dude, what more do you have to think about? The dude’s obviously guilty. There was mustard all over his shirt. People don’t just pee upwards! Don’t ask me how I know that but trust me, gravity doesn’t work that way. He was the one who ate your sandwich.”

“Protect me? By joining a gang? Dude, you’re freakin’ nuts. Can’t you just pick up a bottle of Purell and like, come back to school?”

“It’s not that bad. I haven’t had trouble getting a yes before.”

“I’ll kiss whatever you want, man. Thanks... for getting me out of there.”