Joy vs Anxiousness. These two emotions are constantly waging a war in my soul. They have been since the day I was born. It’s common knowledge that I can be a very anxious, worrisome person. It did not like take long before this became my vice. 

I was raised to believe that I was capable of great things. As the first born of my generation, I knowingly and unknowingly shouldered a lot of expectation from my family. I rode the highs and lows of meeting and falling below their expectations time and time again. When I over-achieved, it was a feeling like no other. My parents would be beaming ear to ear, vehemently giving me the approval I craved and desired. I believe they were the most proud of me in those moments. I always longed to over-achieve for the sake of pleasing them and buying into the myth that I, by my own strengths and efforts, was capable of great things. But when I under-achieved or failed to meet their expectations, the low was gut-wrenching. As a note, my parents no longer hold this mindset, and our family dynamic is, to me, more focused on the unconditionality of love, but the ramifications on how I perceive myself are still very pertinent.

Grace is still difficult for me to understand on a heart level. The idea that my performance does not dictate my worth is easy enough to understand, but hard to put into practice in my daily life. Forgiveness of self and others becomes difficult with this mentality, as does having joy and loving others wholeheartedly. I’ve come to realize that the lens in which I judge myself is the same lens I look through to judge others whether I’m aware of it or not. In my trust of self and my personal ability to maintain status quo, I disregard others and become self-righteous. The thing about performance based works is that when God blesses you, you attribute it to your own ability, and the high you ride is amazing. However, when you are unable to see how God is blessing you, you quickly become anxious and feel the need to fix it yourself. This is a losing proposition on multiple fronts. Riding these highs and lows is such an emotional rollercoaster, with peaks and troughs that spike and flatten in a moment’s notice. There is no steadfastness or trust in Your father in heaven who provides all good things, who holds You in His arms. 

Judgmental, selfish, anxious, and pessimistic. These are the qualities that come from believing that I can contribute to my own salvation. They are the result of realizing that I cannot in my wildest dreams ever contribute anything of worth apart from God. These are the qualities that describe me more often than I’d care to admit.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Fruits of the Spirit that only come from total surrender. These are the qualities I strive to obtain through God’s grace and trusting in His unfailing love.

John Piper defines joy as “a good feeling in the soul, produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.”

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

WANT - to lack what one needs

It always feels like too long since I’ve last written. Today, in this moment, I am feeling a little silly for “wanting” my way all the time. I haven’t been especially prayerful or discerning in my decisions and actions lately. I haven’t been resting very well with God. What I have been good at is making my demands known to God without listening for His voice.

I am uncomfortable with the fact that I can be so easily tilted. Is not my foundation built on solid ground? The passage reads I shall not want. And yet, I find myself, again and again, wanting things in my own way, not in the Lord’s way. I want answers now. I want certainty in x, y, z. I want to get through the day in my way with my expectations. 

It’s a selfish view of the world, and it minimizes God’s sovereignty over every detail of my daily life. My prayer is that I see everything as spiritual and purposeful, not for my personal satisfaction, but for the opportunity to be invited into doing His good work for the day. My prayer is for a miracle to be worked and my heart to be transformed so that I shall not want. Would my focus shift from my problems and my inadequacies to God’s redemptive work and His power and authority over all things. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

SURELY goodness and mercy shall follow me ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER. 

I’m sorry to those that have shared heart-wrenching struggles, and I’ve responded with, “I understand.” I don’t know how many times it’s happened, or what variations of those two words I uttered, but it was extremely foolish and there’s no excuse.

I don’t think those words have ever been explicitly uttered to me, nor do I feel they were implied intentionally, but I DO have this overwhelming sense that my recent worsening of anxieties/tendencies towards irrational thoughts is not something that ANYONE else can understand. Even people who struggle with the same worries and same disorder, each person’s manifestations, triggers, and reasonings are so unique to them. 

But hey, I guess that’s life, right? Do we ever really “understand” someone at the core of who they are or what they’re going through? Doubtful at best. I find it hard to strike a balance of being empathetic/sympathetic and feigning a sense “I understand what you’re going through.” 

i have a tendency to gravitate towards those close to me to seek approval and affirmation. Usually, it’s enough to get me back on track. However, as my anxieties and thought patterns have increased in frequency, there became a point where that coping mechanism wasn’t doing it for me anymore. It suddenly became, “Yes, but you don’t FULLY understand my logic or why I think the way I do, therefore you can’t be right.” 

I think the first part of that statement will always be true and is healthy to have, but the latter half of that comment is what gets me in trouble. People don’t have to fully understand your situation to speak truth into your life. And even if they do utter some form of, “I understand,” I know they don’t. Yet, what they are saying can still be true. I need to be better about this as well when people confide in me.

I’ve quickly realized that seeking solace from close friends and family is not a bad thing, but it’s always been an ultimate thing for me, superseding my desire to bring my anxieties to God first and foremost. I have a tendency to elevate the opinions of my close loved ones above God’s opinion of me. Do I truly believe I am a beloved son of God whom He loves SO deeply........ more than I believe I am a good son to my parents? A good boyfriend to Lucy? A reliable friend people can trust?

No one on this side of eternity will ever fully understand the inner workings of what makes me who I am, but You do. You uphold me, love me as I am, pursue me with a relentlessness I can’t fully comprehend. And in turn, I turn to others. I’m sorry.... Would this be my reminder to turn to You first and be right with You in my heart before anything else.  

Father, would Your voice in my heart and mind be louder than the voices that are not of You, louder than the voices that tell me that love is conditional, that certain standards need to be met, or that I need to have control and certainty over my own life.

It should really read. “I am [trying to be a better] Friend of God.”

This season has been chalk full of trial after trial. It’s revealed to me how deep seated some of my idols are, and the anxiety that they can induce. At first, I ran to pastors, friends, my own logic, and counseling to mitigate it all. These are all great, great things, but they’re not a replacement for God. 

While I got a lot of affirmation from pastors and peers, a lot of “that makes sense, I agree with you,” a fresh diagnosis of recent onset Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and some exercises to help mitigate my broken chains of thought, I could not rest easy. I could pinpoint what was ailing me, but I couldn’t let go of it. Treating symptoms, but not getting to the root of the cause.

Last night, God softened my heart to cry out to Him. In the crying out, I quickly realized that while I had prayed to God for answers, I did not actually invite Him into my heart or believe He could do the work necessary to restore me.

But as I sat in bed, essentially spiritually screaming to God in anguish, asking Him to take it all away right there in that moment, I felt light. I felt like I could breath more fully, felt tingly in my hands as I raised them to God, asking for release and freedom from the anxiety that had taken hold of me. I could feel my faith increasing as I continued to pray, so I began to pray for bigger things, for more bold things. For protection from future attacks and triggers, for this desire and state of desperation to remain, for Lucy, for more of His strength to manifest in me. I felt peace.... the peace that had alluded me for quite some time now saving very brief, fleeting moments.

It’s the end of today, and while that peace was surely attacked at points throughout the day, God gave me reminder after reminder of His power and strength. I could feel Him actively taking the thoughts as they entered my mind and pushing them away as if to say, “Get behind me, Satan!”  

I was also reminded from Mosaic’s sermon as told through Lucy and Elizabeth that friendship starts with God. We go to God first, and by learning to be close and intimate with Him, only then can we love others well. 

In all honesty, I haven’t been a good friend to God. I was never that good at it, to be honest. You’d think I’d have learned the tricks of the trade by now. I am learning, though, that it’s okay, and that God will use what I give Him. Here is to spending more time in conversation with Him, bringing Him my worries and anxieties, joys and triumphs, and learning to seek His face from a place of desperation. I want to be a better friend of God, and in doing so, leave behind any sense of entitlement or idolatry so that I can do the greatest of things for Him.

This is my prayer for today:

Life is tough. Loving others is tough. Self-love is the toughest.

I haven’t been very kind to myself these days. I’ve given into bouts of anxiety more often than I’m proud to say. I’ve let negative thoughts that I know not to be true to linger much longer than they should. I refused to listen to the advice of friends, pastors, and those I care most for because I trusted myself more than those God surrounded me with. I became very internally focused, which is exactly what the Devil wanted. 

But part of being a Christian is weathering the storms, asking God to help reorient you because you don’t trust yourself to do it. If I were to steal an analogy from pastor Hojin, these past few weeks especially, I’ve been walking with my head down, trying to follow a straight line. Only when I look up do I see how terribly crooked it’s become. In the process, however, it felt straight!

Today was a conscious choice to look straight ahead as I walk my line, trusting that by looking towards the goal, the line will be that much straighter. I wrote on a sticky note to remind myself of this simple truth. “God’s grace will overwhelmingly make up for my lack. I cannot make up for my own lack.” 

Ephesians 6:10-17

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

This doesn’t mean it’s my last rodeo with my issues of self-love, but the game plan has changed. I made a commitment to follow Jesus. It doesn’t mean I’ll always do it well, but I will continue to ask God to reorient my heart with the confidence that I have Christ’s righteousness, and as such, I can ask confidently. Turning back is simply not an option. 

The cross before me, the world behind me.

Father, help me to love and accept myself the way you love and accept me. Help me to let go of the idols and anxieties in my life and to trust wholeheartedly in Your goodness and Your promises. That all trials and suffering are temporary and work for the good of us whom You love so dearly. Help me to rejoice in suffering.