friday night sitting at home, i've been drinking alone, it's so unlike me but you're making me unhinged, i'm losing myself, you say you're done with the drugs but do either of us really believe you? well me getting wasted alone is the lesser of all the evils that i've been contemplating these last few weeks, i'm standing on the precipice of something terrible and i can't even talk about it, because then i'm making it all about me right, when i should just be there for you right now. you come home half drunk and it's tolerable because i can barely stand at this point anyway, we get in the shower and all i want to do is pull my skin around me like a blanket and hide. this is not my life, this is not my life, this is not my life, and yet... it is. this is the first time we've been naked in front of each other in a while, not like we've been having sex anyway since you don't want to fuck without drugs. i don't know what can i do to make myself beautiful to you. i don't think you've even noticed the ghost of myself that i've become, how so few words leave my mouth, how my eyes are folded into each other. we get out of the shower and watch tv, i can't hold the tears in so i go and get into bed so i can cry without you seeing. after about an hour, i hear your footsteps approach, and still crying i pull the blankets over my head. you settle down next to me and fall asleep. i can't hold myself together. i go to the living room and fall asleep on the couch. in the early hours of the morning i awaken and return to the bed feeling guilty as you lie there snoring. how do i go on?
