I ask others how their days are, I remind them to eat and sleep and if they are in pain I try to soothe it. I do want to know, I can't explain why since it doesn't make me feel anything, but I do.

I take care of others' injuries, and I like this. I like calming down a shaking, wide-eyed, confused patient enough to let me assess them, watch their tension melt away as they realize I am helping and I will make them better. I like the insane adrenaline rush that comes from life threats, from a patient rapidly dying, I like putting it to use as I take control of the situation, as I give others orders and follow the ones I have laid out for myself in my head.

I... would like to caress someone, maybe. I think about a friend I have. I think he's cute, sweet, innocent. He's not great at taking care of himself and I sort of want to protect him. I'm rather tall so it wouldn't be too awkward to hold him in my lap or lay front to back with my arms wrapped around him.

I might like to kiss somebody. Not on the mouth, or even the face. The neck, or shoulders, or hands, I guess. I can't see myself being soft or intimate with another person but I can absolutely see myself acting as a dom and sadist (which is a whole other can of worms). It would be, at the very least, amusing to watch someone squirm while I have control of the situation, especially if I knew they liked it.

It's common for "how are you?" to be answered and then followed with a response of "what about you, how have you been?" and I just go blank. I couldn't be dragged to the hospital if I was dying. I'll deal with any hemorrhage myself, tough excruciating pain out, and anything slow enough to not be immediately life-threatening is gonna have to beat my own self-destruction if it wants to be what kills me. Being touched at all is uncomfortable and stressful. Being touched like that violently repulses me even in thought alone.

But my relationship with the past is definitely not normal.

Short term and mid term memory is fine-ish, as fine as it can be with CDD, but going into long term memory is were the issue starts. I got so few?? It's like my life dissappears behind me with nobody to remember, not even myself, it's all fading away. Barely any childhood or teen memories, barely any from last year or the year before that or the one before that. I remember important life fact, like 2022 I had a surgery, 2023 I moved to another country and back, but I don't have any or very few "lived memories" that go beyond my knowledge of the fact that an event happened. Some pictures, some gifs some boxed feelings (like "this felt awkward"), snippets.

I don't really feel like someone who's lived a life before the present moment. I'm in the present, the past doesn't feel like it's me. I want nothing to do with who I was, I don't want to know this person.

Definition: Alogia, also known as poverty of speech, refers to a reduction in the amount or quality of speech, often observed in individuals with certain mental health disorders, including schizophrenia. It involves a decreased fluency and productivity of speech, as well as limitations in the content and spontaneity of language expression.

The Schizoid Experience…

Reduced Speech Output: Individuals exhibit a decrease in the amount and quality of speech, characterized by brevity and limited elaboration. This reduction in speech output reflects the schizoid tendency towards social withdrawal and emotional detachment.

Lower Frequency of Social Exchange: Schizoid individuals may choose solitude and introspection over engaging in social interactions, leading to fewer opportunities for verbal expression.

Lack of Spontaneity: Speech may lack spontaneity and be limited to necessary communication, reflecting the schizoid tendency towards emotional detachment.

Perception as Aloof: The reduction in speech output may contribute to the perception of schizoid individuals as aloof, uncommunicative, or disinterested in social interactions.

Difference in functioning: Alogia in schizoid individuals may stem from their unique way of relating to the world and functioning, rather than an underlying pathology such as in schizophrenia.

For schizoids (especially those for whom trauma was a factor in developing SzPD), having even small amounts of emotional intimacy in a regular friendship or acquaintanceship can feel extremely overwhelming and unsafe. Another person finding things out about you can make all future interactions with them feel suffocating.

With how most people struggle with opening up in therapy, combined with how difficult any kind of openness can be for schizoids, you can probably see why this would be an issue for us. But one thing I think many MH professionals I've seen haven't understood is that sharing literally anything, even things that seem "small", can be very difficult for schizoids. It's not just the big vulnerable things, it's anything that's perceived as "personal".

Sure, I have trouble sharing the deep rooted personal issues that are at the heart of all my problems. But I also have trouble sharing relatively simple things, and it can cause major problems in therapy.

For example: the first time I did EMDR, I could not for the life of me give my therapist an answer when she asked what "safe space" or "safe image" I had picked to think about after the processing, or during if I got triggered too badly.

She assumed that I just couldn't think of anything (and I guess that was partially true because there isn't really anything that makes me feel a strong sense of comfort, since I don't really have that kind of emotional range), but no, I just couldn't voice anything I was thinking of because just telling another person about the kind of imagery I find calming was too much.

She ended up picking something for me I didn't even really find calming, so you can imagine how well that session went. But I can't even fully blame her, because she had no idea what the actual reason for why I wasn't telling her anything was.

But in so many other contexts as well, I've had therapists do that thing where they try to tell you their analysis of you and they've just been completely fucking wrong. And it's not necessarily because they're bad at their jobs, it's just because I didn't tell them anything, and I've mastered the art of saying just enough that the other person is satisfied without giving anything away.

It makes the whole process very frustrating, because on one hand I know I have significant mental health issues that are making my life miserable, but at the same time I am viscerally uncomfortable with someone else knowing what goes on in my head.

anyways, i've called this "gone fishing" and i occasionally use it to explain suddenly going quiet or ceasing participation. nah i'm fine i've just gone fishing. and my friends understand. doesn't happen too often but when i'm having a bad time with it all it gets a lotttt more common, so its super useful