~Born To Be Wild~

this post is 2 years old and it’s only going to get funnier as it gets older

Ppl are reblogging this again thank u to the sun for this trees got flower on it season

growing up with a psychologist for a mother was so funny because my sister and i would be like “mo-om why do we have to go to bed now” and she would respond with a long explanation of the research on the effects of sleep on the brain and body followed by another explanation on permissive vs. authoritarian vs. authoritative parenting styles, with citations

My father was a psychotherapist, and my mother a teacher. They both did this kind of thing when explaining stuff to me and my sister as kids. It works!

The idea that this miracle chair bares the last impression of their son before he was called away from the physical world by God Himself, but they're getting rid of it because it doesn't match their new carpet

i was in the grocery store and saw an onion on the ground and picked it up, absently saying “poor little guy.” behind me a teenage girl started laughing and then stopped and went “aww. i’m sorry for laughing. that’s nice actually.” and the cycle of cruelty is broken for another generation as a young person realizes that it is not embarrassing to have empathy for another thing that was once living, because certainly to be a lone white onion rolling on the ground in a supermarket would be terrifying to anyone

i’m “house phone” years old

i'm "computer room" years old

Who is in charge of discovering things? I want them to release a new guy

He just doesn’t have anything to say

“Americans believe in big portions! That’s so crazy.” Look at this European getting scammed into paying for 100 calories worth of food. Fool. Idiot. You wish you could have this 16 ounce Big Gulp and this serving of rice I will eat off for three days but you can’t. Cope and seethe.

I also love watching Italians get mad at Italian American food. You’re cranky because your hungry, aren’t you? Cranky because you don’t get that delicious olive oil and balsamic vinegar to dip your bread in before meals? Cranky because your pizza kinda sucks?

who has that one post that’s like “americans will lightly rib british people for their accents and brits will be like ‘your children will die in a school shooting’“

This would fix me

me in 70 years

how many elmos must die

101 elmos

cruelmo deville

why the hell do i have impostor syndrome when elon musk exists. i’m fucking great at my job actually