Jasmine Nichole

I’ve started working out. I’m on day 3 and it feels good to do something. But I come home and I’m alone. With no one to talk to or text or be cute with. I have $100 worth of new underwear I was so excited to wear for him and now they are just sitting there freshly washed and ready to be worn. I was getting my apartment ready for him to finally come over and spend time with me up here. I’m still going to get ready but I was so excited to share my space when it was done…

All I want to do is kiss him and touch him and laugh and watch movies and be in his space while I do my own thing. I’m crying randomly again… I feel like I’m back in 2022…

Last night I posted all the galleries we went to with art from each one. When I went into his ig stories he posted very similar massive 3 hours before my post. We don’t have many mutuals but in my head I was like damn what if people connect the dots… I considered taking my posts down but I was just like fuck it. The art was beautiful and I posted my faves. This afternoon I checked out his stories again and he removed all the posts that were similar to mine. :/i invited him out to a dj set my best friend is having on sugar and he declined saying emotionally and mentally he’s not in the space to go. I’ve questioned to myself massive he’s embarrassed to be seen with me to our mutual and peers. Maybe he doesn’t want people to know he’s dating me? I’m not fit or apart of the fitness community like him. I’m cute and pretty but idk if I’m his actual type. I don’t feel attractive enough for him. Or desirable.

He didn’t take me out, he didn’t romance me, he didn’t make any plans with me… he diane really initiate any meetings or link ups… doesn’t ask much about me, I don’t even feel like he’s curious about me…

But then he texts me everyday, he communicates his feelings when I ask. He tells me he’s not great with expression and his words and he’s action based… but didn’t take initiative to make me feel like we are working towards something… next month will make 6 months and it still feels like the first month of dating…

I feel like I’m lying to myself. I’m playing myself. I feel really dumb and stupid and desperate…

I’m 33. I love in my own apartment in NYC, I’m still an artist though I don’t make ass much art as I would like. I woke part time and go to school full time. I’ve been at the same job for 3 years. Started in Florida and transferred to NYC. I have a cute little car named Kia. I’m still a plant mom though I no longer own almost 200 plants. More like 20 now. I make content on social media but I wouldn’t call myself am influencer anymore. I hit 60k followers once and I’ve been in the 50s for almost 8 years now. I don’t really care anymore tbh…

I’m single. I have a lover… sorta. Here comes over we watch anime we fck, he leaves. He’s a music artist and it’s all in Spanish but I like it and I like him. He’s sweet. I’m dating but nothing sticks. Just a bunch of loose ended conversations that last a few weeks and nothing comes from it. I did have a bf from london last summer but we were not compatible and so I ended it after 6 months… I want love and I want to be in love but I want it to be with the right person this time. I can’t be ripped to shreds again like in 2022.

I still don’t speak to my former best friend. I don’t think I’ll ever get that close to someone again in friendship. That was a once in a life time experience and it was great for what it was but I can’t let it get like that again. Friendships need boundaries and because I know that now it’ll never be the same.

I don’t believe in religion or the idea of a monolithic god. I renounced god in 2022 to myself after years of stepping away from faith. I started a spiritual journey but that too has been difficult since I don’t understand it… nor do I have anyone to guide me through or show me. Because of this my esteem’s and mental health have been rocky for years having no concrete belief system… but overall my mental health is a lot better than it was but I’m forever changed. I’m in a better place. I like myself. But I’ll never be the same.

I still don’t want marriage, I still don’t want children. My first love/guy I lost my virginity to messaged me today and asked me why I’m not married yet lol yes we’re still cordial. There’s no romantic feelings there. He’s married with a child and very happy I hope. And we’ve both very much moved on. I reminded him that I do not want those things. He didn’t respond back lol not sure what the gag is with ppl wanting to see me that lane. That’s not the lane I’ve ever wanted to be in and everyone can’t be in that lane. I’m ok with that. I’ve always been this way and it’s not going to change.

I can’t wait to find a partner who understands all of this about me. And if not so be it. I’m complex, and I’m very misunderstood… I’m learning that it’ll probably forever be this way…