To my dearest little Jamie,
You deserve a place here in my safe space, my love. Not a pleasant way to introduce you to everyone, but you deserve to be known and remember, my bibi.
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It was morning of March 22nd when you greeted me with two pink lines. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko, but I know from that day, babaguhin mo yung buhay namin. I decided to tell your Daddy of our good news. Ginising ko s'ya and I can still remember how genuine his smile was when he saw our PT, Bibi. He hugged me so tight, that I cried. Tinanong pa nga n'ya ako kung bakit daw ako umiiyak. I cried because I felt how happy his heart was. Mixed emotions, because you brought so much joy in our hearts that day.
Your Daddy and I still couldn't believe you're here, so after a few days, we went to the doctor to check on you. From that ultrasound monitor, I saw your tiny body, with a healthy heartbeat. I even told the doctor, "wow totoo po pala talaga s'ya no?" and your daddy naman saying things like, "parang last time ko nakarinig ng congrats nung graduation ko pa ah?". We both laughed and joked about it, but I know deep down, he is excited, too.
We waited for weeks before we told your Lolo and Lola, titos and titas and your future ninongs and ninangs about you. Sobrang shocked sila, bibi ko, but they were so happy and so excited to meet you! Mas excited pa nga sila sa amin, bibi ko. Can you imagine how lucky you are to have these people around you?
But then, after a few months of carrying you with me, God turned to us and said, "Anak, I have other plans for the both of you."
We were supposed to have you checked again for your gender but on that unfateful night, the doctor said she couldn't find your heartbeat anymore and possibly, that your heart already stopped beating for a long time… I was lying on the clinic bed staring at you on the monitor, in shocked and heartbroken. Daddy was there too, bibi. He was holding my hand, wiping my tears and hugging me as I tried to gather my thoughts. I felt like a huge, thick, black blanket covered my whole being and every went on mute when it finally hit me.
As soon as we went home, I rushed to your Lola and cried so hard, so hard that I started questioning things. Where did I go wrong? Is it something that I did? Have I not been good enough of taking care of you? Why does it have to be me? Why did God let this happen? We even asked for a second opinion hoping that you were just asleep or there could be something wrong with the ultrasound, but no. Daddy and I went home together, crying. Heartbroken kami ni Daddy, bibi ko..
After a few days of waiting, sabi ni Doctor need na kita i-deliver, so Mommy had to take meds to get you out. I was in labor for an hour, and kahit sa huling pagkakataon, hindi mo hinayaang mahirapan ang Mommy. Ang bait bait mo, never mo akong pinahirapan..
You were surrounded by the most wonderful people, bibi ko. Everyone is waiting for you. You have brought me so much joy for a few months that I had you within me. Having you filled our hearts with so much hope, love and appreciation for life. But, I still cannot put my grief and sadness into words and not a day goes by na hindi kita naiisip saka naalala. I miss you everyday, bibi ko. Hindi na naiyak ang Mommy, but I'm still sad and heartbroken. There will always be a hole in my heart with the shape of you, my bibi.
Today should be your due date, or baka nga lumabas ka na even before your due date. Christmas this year should be special because of you, pero God had other plans for us, bibi ko..
Thank you for making us the happiest parents even for a short time, my love. Hindi maipinta sa mukha ng Daddy yung happiness nung nalaman nya na dumating ka na. He worked hard for you, bibi ko, until the very last day we had you and days after that. He loves you very much and misses you everyday, bibi ko. Super.
Sorry Mommy's love wasn't enough to save you. Everyday, lagi ko pa ding iniisip na I could have done something. There are things na iniisip ko pa din, sana hindi ko nalang ginawa, baka siguro nandito ka pa din. And this saddens me even more kapag naiisip ko.
Pero thank you, bibi ko. Because of you, I learned how to strenghten my faith with God. Everyday kitang pinagpa-pray, wishing na every offered masses, lighted candles and kisses would reach you. I will carry you in my heart wherever I go, Mahal ko.
I know there will be another time for us, bibi ko and when that day comes, alam kong hindi mo na kami iiwan. Please come home soon, when the time is right again. I know angels will guide your way home to us someday.
I love you so much, Jamie ko. Everyday. Always and forever. My love for you is deeper than the ocean, brighter than the sun and countless like the galaxies in the universe. I will never forget how happy you made us. You will always and forever be remembered, my love.
We miss you, my little boy, our little Itnok, my little angel. 🤍🐣🌻
