travis. i met you when i was 13. i looked up to you, i thought you were so cool and great and i saw you as someone who was nice to everyone and a leader and an example. we became friends when i was 14. i was 14 and you were 18. you showed me attention and you were fun and still so nice and we were friends. i still don't understand why you spent so much time with me, and alone with me when i was so young, i wasn't even to an intellectual level to probably have a normal conversation or whatever and I'm probably missing something, but i dont really remember much from that summer. i don't know what you were thinking and i sure as hell know that if i ever saw an 18 year old boy hanging around a 14year old girl like that i would tell her to get away from him. but thats fine, i thought we were friends and i liked spending time with you because i thought you were funny and nice and a kind friend. then you got my phone number and left. and you should have left it at that. i was FOURTEEN. but you didn't, you started texting me, and i started texting you, thinking, oh look how good of friends we are, this is great. then you got more serious and i became emotionally invested. i wish i could go back to myself and tell myself to guard my heart and to not entrust you with it, but i did. you told me about you past relationships and how you had been hurt and what a shitty person you felt like because of things that had happened and i told you the things that had hurt me and my painful secrets because i trusted you. i trusted you so much, but thats probably because i was a child, and you were an adult overstepping your boundaries. you would text me everyday, flirt with me sometimes. it never even crossed my mind that you could be using me or manipulating me because that had never ever happened to me before like that. but then you dropped me and we didn't speak for months and i cried. and then i saw you a few months later, and you didn't say a word to me, and i cried again. i cared about you so much, you were the only person who knew anything about me and i had no idea how you could be so cold to me. we've had good times and bad times since then. i still feel this odd sense of loyalty towards you and i don't even know if thats just because i don't know anything else, i don't know if its because i was manipulated by you when i was younger and now i can't shake you, because even when you hurt me ill still love you because you've always been there. which makes me feel fucking pathetic. if i met you now would i even want to be your friend? is all of this insanity in my head only because of this sense of dependency i have on you. because i literally feel like my life is not right if you're not a part of it in some capacity which is so unhealthy. I'm 17 now and i still love you, which is embarrassing. I'm 17 and you're still the only person i know to go to when everything is falling down. you're still who i want to tell everything to. and i still care about you so much and i still don't understand how you can do this to me. i don't get why you would want to tel to me every day for weeks after this summer and why you would want to Skype me all of the time and then suddenly not even want to speak to me anymore. you told me to stop freaking out when you don't give me enough attention when i asked. so I'm done, and I'm moving on. i harped on most of the bad things in this but i do acknowledge that you have also done kind things for me, and some of my best days have been with you. i love spending time with you, you are my favorite person to be around and one of the only people that i truly care one way or another about. but I'm accepting that you dont feel that way about me as well. I've been waiting for 3 years now which is a long fucking time, and i can't keep waiting for you to come around anymore. i can't keep always looking forward to the next time ill see you when it doesn't matter one way or another to you if we ever talk again. which fucking hurts. but i have to move on. so travis, i care about you, i love who you are, and you mean so much to me. i wish things had turned out differently between us.
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
