Protecting my children

if i ever give birth please dont tell me my baby looks just like me within the first 2 months cause i know that newborn look ugly as shit so unless you tryna square up dont speak

listen i try to be tolerant. i try to stay in my lane. but australians call sprinkles “hundreds and thousands” and that just fucking crosses the line i cant take it anymore

those are all sprinkles theyre just different breeds

women of the world unlearn your massive guilt complex 

all my life I’ve somehow only ever seen the gifs of this. I never even knew that the pumpkin man was dancing to the Ghostbusters theme. This whole thing is so much better than I ever could have expected from the gifs omg

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”

me every time i see a stingray on the dash: why did you kill steve irwin

floating loafs on several degrees of squish

Thank you for making me check out of spite, I cannot stop laughing.

Yeah but I haven’t needed a claw to reach the top shelf since I was 7 so stay mad about it shrimp

Went straight for their kneecaps on that one

*bartender slides my drink to me from across the bar and i fucking fling it back twice as hard*