Cringy Lad

Autistic, mentally ill... - fits the bill of a 'artist.' (probably some kind of mood disorder) why is that important? I get excited and might spam or type in all caps- if this agitates you lmk!

He was such a cutie:/ I changed his design a lot over the years, (had him for like 3-4 ish years????) lot of old art is lost from my mental instability (had a deleting issue... still feel like a guilty piece of garbage because of it..) I changed it for simplicity, I drew him a lot during my more depressed days, hard to imagine It was worse then now lol

It makes me sad that all people see is my hurt, anger etc. I'm a bitter person. people come, take the good parts of me. leaving nothing but emptiness, then spit in my face as I cry.

I don't want pity. I want someone who will miss me.

I have nobody. If I died today, nobody would care. Nobody would cry. Absolutely fucking nobody.

Maybe my standards are to high? To want someone who will reply to me within the week... who doesn't call me names or insult my intelligence? Someone who I feel comfortable enough not to act like a fucking idiot just so they can have power over me. To stay. That's far too much to ask for.

I feel like a loser for venting, for drawing, it's a pounding in my head that never ends. I can't draw it, I can't express it. I feel trapped.

And all people do is watch, I know it's all my fault. Because I won't reach out, because my stupid fucking brain makes it so that people have to ask. So that people have to say out loud 'will you be my friend?' Or 'you know we are friends' or else I think I'm absolutely worthless to you.

I'm sorry I can't be normal, I'm oh so sorry that I match your energy, and you just so happen to be a bitch. I'm so sorry, that I have to dumb myself down, to be the butt of each fucking joke you say. To make you feel better. Because I've always been the fucking charity case. Back of the class, sitting on the floor rocking myself.

And still I miss you. I miss you all, I wish I stayed. Put up with the mean things you said. With the disgusting things you wanted me to do. I wish I stayed, even when it was wrong of me to. At least then it wouldn't be so quite