bands as boyfriends

It was going amazing until you washed her cast iron skillet.

This is just back of the envelope math my dude, but one of these is untenable.

Has been the “dad friend” since third grade. In third grade, ran a club where they admonished each other for cussing. Now, cusses like a sailor, but only at inanimate objects.

Owns multiple top hats. Good listener.

Drives a muscle car he and his dad partly restored before his dad passed away. Obeys every residential speed limit.

We aren’t comfortable going there.

When you start following a band because their lead singer is cute (and also because they write bops) and then you discover the drummer (or the guitarist or accordionist, whatever, we don’t judge).

Wears cardigans? Like a lot? Also, DEEP undercurrent of anger. Like, not afraid to cut a motherfucker, anger. But he is SO nice to your younger brothers.

Sad (on the inside). Also, knows how to field dress a turkey. That banjo, tho.

Deep. But like, fake deep, maybe? You can punch your weight intellectually, and you just like? don’t follow? Maybe he’s on some other level stuff. Maybe he’s... on some other level stuff. But you had to have a thing for guys with tattoos. Sigh.

Your high school boyfriend who was an AMAZING artist and would take you to dates at that funky international supermarket cafeteria and then you kind of lost touch and he sent you a postcard from Africa a couple years ago? Maybe you’ll reconnect someday. Maybe it was all a dream.

They are too young for you. What? You are twenty one? Keep moving, just babies over here. 

They are too old for you. What? You are forty one? They are still too old for you.

Not really ready to date anybody, just now. Working on themselves. Always good for a late night coffee meetup, though.

Excellent boyfriend. Very sweet. Your mom likes him. Occasionally, in his sleep, he mumbles about murdering you. Just occasionally. Maybe you dreamed that. 

*yelling* I bought you flowers, why are you crying?