So I woke up today deciding I'll better myself for the trillionth time. Now before you think this is some enlightening post of hope and self recreation. Do not. You'll be completely disappointed. Sorry because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I have all the reasons and some motivation I just don't know where to go from here and I need an outlet. So maybe we can figure this out together or most likely I'll be here writing to myself and that's fine too. I always wanted to be a writer but that didn't happen, I also wanted to be a marine biologist but being honest with myself sounds like a good step in this. so today my thing is honesty? or self-honesty. I hate complicated things I'm completely forgetful and honestly wouldn't have made it through college or afforded it and most likely would be burnout. I want a lot of things and dream about the things I want to, see, and do, and have fantasies of made-up colors and adventure scenes in my head but what's real, and what is an attempt from my mind trying to distract me from my depression? I have no reason to be completely depressed. I am clinically diagnosed not that anyone knows. well, now you know. I hate medicines that make me feel fogged up I can't think like that maybe that is the point though. I've made it these 20something years so I'm sure I don't need them too badly. By the way, I am clinically diagnosed not just whining. I feel like I need to clarify so I don't get chewed out. But why is my head like this? my life is not terrible I have 3 loving kids that keep me going a husband I love and 2 real friends. My family is pretty fucked up and complicated but I can't blame that for myself or my brain structure. I guess I'm just fucked up and that's the fine cause aren't we all in some way or form? My actions and thought are completley diffrent from each other. im overly sensitive and my biggest critic as well as my biggest bully. Do i hate myself or do i hate everything i dont let myself become? i want to be better and become better. to be happy. I guess this a self introduction I am code name:Blues. objective to be happy. lets see if i can and lets see if i can do any of my goals today. Be productive. Clean. Play with my 1yr old. Do something for yourself. Its 8:01AM wish me luck
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