BbAaMm

It's always like this, the moment i become happy, there's automatic sadness... 😔😔😔😔 i know i must not expect something on our kiss, i just felt so much happiness that i missed her lips so much... but after couple of minutes her moods suddenly change and she doesn't want to be close to me anymore...

Iloveusosososososososososososososomuch this is what my heart always say... i want to be okei but whenever i feel that your to far for me, I can't be okei... i did everything just for you, and to hold on... but i think after all, you can't still feel anything for me... that's how tough you are... or how far you are now... i love the way you talk, smile, be crazy and funny... i love to watch you... but i hate seeing your attention and focus is not on me anymore... smiling without me the reason... i hate to cry and hurt in front of you but I can't help my self... I'm just so inlove on you... and half of my life is you... desperate and martyr to be called but this is how I've been holding on to you... missing you a lot...

I wish i can be like her... 😔😔😔 she has the sense of humor i love to her the most, she has the awra that a lot of people like to her, she didn't stop having a chatmates everday... all the things i adore to her... which is whenever I've been looking at her, i get sad and depress more... because her attention is to far now for me...

Looking at your back while strumming the guitar makes me cry... 💔💔💔😭😭😭 I'm so in love to you... so much that i want to shout and burst... can i be selfish...? Can you be mine...? Oh my god, I don't want to be to drama, but this is how i feel... and blogging like this makes me let out my feelings for you... iloveusosososososososososososososomuch po my love... until last minute i want to prove my self to you... although the big problem is you don't feel anything... 😔😔😔💔💔💔 hurts bigtime... but I'm going to wait till nothing to wait anymore.. your the only person who owns me mind, body and soul... that's why if your not with me, I'm dead soul, lifeless, in so much pain... i will lifetime, unconditionally love you...

I can't say it ended very well... hmmmm i just go alone to meet someone in the morning, i ask her if she want to come but then she don't want to so I'm in solo, which is makes my heart sank... 💔💔💔 unexpectedly, i suddenly had the urge to go to church... I've been praying and crying there, talking to god... I don't ask for a bday wish or demands... because i know i will never receive the kind of wish i want to... so i just talked to god and ask why it's happening to me...? Can't i be happy...? Being in this feelings is kind of killing my self everyday... I'm so happy, inlove being with her but I don't know to her... the afternoon till evening I'm with her, I don't expect anything from her but there are times i just want to kiss her, cling onto her the same routines I've been doing before but I can't because I don't want to do actions or say words that will trigger her to get piss... her gestures makes me fall so hard that leaving me devastated... 💔💔💔😔😔😔i want to make her happy, i will to serve her, give and abide her wants... I'm just so inlove to her... until evening I'm happy, sad, inlove to her... so much... and she post some thing that I don't know if she's pertaining to our food trip or to the girl... 😔😔she's singin some songs that telling she's inlove with someone... and she kept on telling or giving me hint that needs to move on because there are things that will never get back... it's to much for me but i just don't want to mind it.. until my vacation is finish then thats it... ilove her so much, whatever she want, needs just to satisfy her and leaving me hanging it's fine to me... i just want her happiness and not my happiness...

How do i interpret my day 3...? Lonely...? Well our whole day evolve in doing our laundry... but the lonely part to me is when she told me she needs to go somewhere, or let say a meeting... hmmmm she ask for my permission, i just ask her back, "if i say I don't want u to go, would you do it..?" She just laugh at me... i ask her "can i come with u?" Unfortunately she didn't agree... so i just left at home... waiting for her is kind of to long, lonely in my inside, and because I'm not chatting on her so I don't have any idea of her whereabouts... being alone in my bed and don't know what's happening to her makes me crazy in sadness... the thing is I've been waiting for her and I don't plan to eat dinner... but sad to say when she arrive, she looks exhausted, and i ask her if she ate already and she said yes, so i just decide to go out and meet my friend, which is i thought she will at least say can i come with you or i will come with you because you haven't eating yet, but instead she just say "okei, be careful and i will take a rest" my heart felt so sad ... she asked me, "are u okei?, i just answer "yeah im fine" I can't say anything because she always comes out with a word that "stop the drama, your to OA, etc etc..." and she will get piss of to me... so i will just always say im fine, im okei... no drama, just inside of my self only... thank god to my friend we ate outside and I drink... unfortunately i really get drunk ended up totally in mess when i got home... at least I don't remember after i vomit... she just really get pissed of to me according to her... i love her so much, she's my only love, my lifetime, waiting for her until last is what I'm planning to do... I can't love other anymore...

I don't know why... but i just can't find my self to be okei when your not around me... hmmm I don't know what time you will be back home, then you don't msg at all... well what i can do...? I don't have the rights to demand of anything... I'm just here, waiting, waiting and waiting for I don't know how long... i wish you eat already and pls be careful on the road... I don't know who's with you, and i know you don't like to bring me with you, that's why i just don't have choice but to let you... i will always, lifetime and unconditionally going to wait for you, loving you the rest of my life...

Funny thing, i already drank one bottle for me to fell sleep earlier, but unfortunately nothing helps with the alcohol, until now I'm awake and listening to some musics in my phone... and the saddest there is I'm still crying... I've been understand now, i never cry like this to my past... it's just show how deep and serious i am in loving her... hmmmm i thought I don't have anything to cry anymore.. i just love to look at her face, hugging her and loving her... hmmmm hard work for me but it gives me happiness in short time... I don't want to think the future specially her question about owning her by other girl... i just kept on talking to my self, even I've been thinking other topic, my love keeps on popping out... injust suddentp laugh at times or more on longing, hurt and saddest... i want to stop the time each days pass by... can i be with her lifetime...? Funny and crazy questions for myself... but after this vacation, i need to focus in fixing my self... this thing pulled me down bigtime... but i will wait and love her for the rest... iloveusosososososososososososososomuch my love...

2nd day with her i can say one of the best... know why...? Our atmosphere is a little better but i know she's not mine... I don't push her to come back to me, i just want to show her how deep i am inlove to her and willing to do everything... I'm not asking for anything, and I don't want to rush her... i just want her to know that lifetime i will always waiting for her... the other thing is a heart broken question for me, she ask "what if I don't love u back anymore?, what if i like her (other girl)?" That's a very tough questions for me from her... but instead, i just ask her "do you like her already?" A questions no one would want to hear the answer from her love, but what can i do? I just want to know her situations on her, there status although i am not breathing anymore, i hold my breath for the answer that will break my heart into more pieces... but still god is good to me, know why...? She think about it and she answer back "i don't think so" and she ask me "how do you know if you like a person?" I told her "if I'm with you which is been doing everything to prove and show how i deeply inlove with you but your mind and focus is thinking about her", the moment she answer me I'm not like that to her at least she's still not there.. do i need to hope..? I guess not..? It will be a terrible decision and suicide for me as well... but god, you know me, I've been thinking the negative part but hoping for the positive one... am i a martyr for loving her...? But I can't let her go... she's my only, lifetime and unconditional love... i just want to wait for her, even waiting for her is no guarantee.. she ask me what if I've been own by other, i just answer her, i will just silently observe, watch and support u, but still waiting... I don't know why I've kept on my self the word "waiting" even it's killing me so much...?

Can i be with you lifetime...? I will take the risk everything just for you to be back to me... 😔😔😔💔💔💔 i love u so much.. can i ask that you are my birthday wish...? I will always love you, uncoditionally, lifetime and no one will ever take ur place... 💔💔💔😭😭😭

Being with you makes my heart so fast that i want to be selfish and cave you in me... coffee with you... iloveusosososososososososososososomuch

Looking at this sky is like you, I'm so in love, lively and free but now I'm dead, soulless, lost that your so close yet I can't touch and reach 💔💔💔😔😔😔