Mr. DeluLupercal

Lion El’Jonson

He is cold but never with you. After a day of being the most stressed man in the entire imperium, he just… sits with you in the gardens. No talking. He’s reading some ancient calibanite poetry and you’re leaning against his shoulder. If you fall asleep he doesn’t move. He literally becomes a statue so you don’t wake up. That's love, anon. That's love.

Fulgrim

Spa night. Full pampering. He’s run you a bath with oils from Chemos that smell like actual heaven and he’s brushing your hair while telling you about his day. He just wants to be perfect for you and that means making sure YOU feel perfect. Foot rubs. Face masks. He has the softest silk robes and he insists you wear them. “Darling, you simply must relax.”

Perturabo

Okay, listen. He will never admit he’s relaxing. But you know he is because he’s in his workshop and he’s not building weapons. He’s sketching. Architecture. Beautiful things. And you have your own little corner with a blanket and he’s playing classical music (tyrannical classical music but still) and every so often he shows you a sketch and asks “Is this structurally sound?” and you say yes even if you don’t know. That's your ritual.

Jaghatai Khan

FAST. This man relaxes by going FAST. But with you? He takes you on his bike (or a speeder or a really fast horse if you’re on Chogoris) and you just FLY through the night. Wind in your hair. His arms around you. No destination. When you stop it’s by a fire and he’s actually smiling. The only time he truly smiles. He tells you stories of the steppes and you tell him about your day and he pretends to care but he actually does.

Leman Russ

Okay, so. There's mead. But not too much. Because he wants to remember this. He wants to wrestle with you (he lets you win sometimes and he’s SO obvious about it but you let him think he’s subtle). He tells you the silliest stories about his wolves and he laughs. Big boisterous laugh. And then you sit by the fire and he puts his head in your lap and you scratch his beard and he rumbles like a giant puppy. Don't tell anyone I said that.

Rogal Dorn

DORN. My beloved brick. He builds you a pillow fort. I am NOT kidding. He engineers the most structurally sound pillow fort in the imperial palace. Blankets rated for fortress-class durability. He brings you hot chocolate (he calls it a warm beverage but it’s hot chocolate). And you sit in the fort and he reads you imperial history but he skips the sad parts because he sees you getting emotional. He notices everything.

Konrad Curze

He lets you brush his hair. This is sacred. Nobody touches his hair. But you do. And he sits in the dark with you and you tell him about your day and he doesn’t say much but he listens. He watches you sleep. Not in a creepy way (probably), more like in a "you are the only good thing in the universe" way. He holds your hand and his hands are cold but he tries so hard to be gentle.

Sanguinius

He flies with you. If he can carry you, he does. If not, you lay on the highest balcony of the baalite fortress and he wraps his wings around you like a blanket. They’re warm. Like being hugged by a sun. He hums Baalite lullabies and tells you about the stars and he lets himself be vulnerable. He tells you his fears. And you hold him and tell him he’s enough. Because he is. He always is.

Ferrus Manus

The forge. But it’s QUIET. No hammering. Just the glow of the embers and he’s working on something small. a locket. A ring. Something for you. His silver hands are warm when he touches your face and he doesn’t say much but he shows you what he’s making and asks if you like it. You always do. He always makes you something when he’s stressed. It’s how he says "I love you" without saying it.

Angron (I won't be evil this time, dw)

He lets you touch his head. You massage his temples and he closes his eyes and he breathes. It’s the only time he breathes properly. He sits on the floor (he refuses chairs, he says they’re too far from the ground) and you’re behind him and you just… are there. Sometimes he rages about his day and you listen. Sometimes he just leans back against you and you feel him shaking. You hold him until he stops. He never says thank you but he kisses your hand. That's his thank you.

Roboute Guilliman

He has a schedule for relaxation. It’s color-coded. But it’s cute so you let him. 7pm-8pm: herbal tea and light reading. 8pm-8:30pm: discussing your days. 8:30pm-9pm: cuddles. (He wrote it in the schedule as "physical affection" but you know it’s cuddles). He reads you his favorite passages from the codex astartes and you pretend to be interested because his voice is nice. He falls asleep halfway through sometimes. You don’t wake him.

Mortarion

His gardens. But the safe parts. The parts that don’t kill you. He walks with you through the fog and he talks about Barbarus and you listen. He holds your hand through his gloves and he’s surprised every time that you don’t pull away. You sit on a stone bench and he puts his head on your shoulder (he’s too tall, it doesn’t work, but he tries) and you just exist in the poison and the fog and it’s peaceful because you’re together.

Magnus the Red

Library dates. Surrounded by books. He’s reading three at once and you’re reading one and your legs are tangled together. Sometimes he uses his psychic powers to make little lights dance for you. "Look, beloved, a constellation from Prospero.” He’s warm. Literally. His skin runs hot. You use him as a heater in the winter. He pretends to be offended but he loves it. He reads your mind when you’re too tired to talk and he knows exactly what you need.

Horus Lupercal

The weight of the Imperium is on his shoulders but not when he’s with you. He takes off his armor (all of it, y'know what does that mean? *wink wink*) and he’s just… a man. With you. He asks about your day first. Before he says anything about the Crusade. He wants to know what you ate, what you saw, if anyone was mean to you. He has a private dinner with you and he cooks. Badly. But he tries. and you eat it and tell him it’s good and he knows you’re lying but he smiles anyway. He holds you like you’re the only real thing in the galaxy.

Lorgar Aurelian

He reads to you. His voice is made for scripture but he reads you poetry instead. Ancient Colchisian love poems. He writes his own, too but he hides them. You find them anyway. You sit in his private chapel and the candles are lit and he debates theology with you but gently. He loves when you challenge him. He rests his head in your lap and he talks about his beliefs and you listen because you love how passionate he gets. Even if you don’t believe, you believe in him.

Vulkan

HE’S SO WARM. Literally. He’s like a furnace. You curl up against him and he’s bigger than you and he wraps his arms around you and you melt. He cooks. He cooks SO MUCH. “You must eat, my love!” he makes you Nocturnean stew and it’s spicy and he watches you eat with the biggest smile. He makes you trinkets. Constantly. “I saw this wire and I thought of you.” He gives the best hugs. The kind that fix your soul. He laughs and the whole room lights up.

Corvus Corax

(Ik he doesn't actually like poetry but I can't help but imagine him doing it, anyway.) He writes you poetry. He never shows anyone. But you find it on your pillow. Dark, brooding, beautiful words about your eyes. He takes you to the highest towers of the Ravenspire and you watch the storms together. He holds your hand and he doesn’t look at you but you know he’s thinking about you. He lets you into his shadows. He trusts you with his silence. And sometimes, sometimes he kisses you in the dark where no one can see and it’s the most romantic thing in the universe.

Alpharius/Omegon

You never know which one is which and they love that. They take turns. One night it’s Alpharius and he’s telling you secrets and the next it’s Omegon and he’s quieter. They have a system. They both need you. They relax by plotting but with you they just… watch holodramas. Bad ones. They make fun of them together. They cuddle you between them (if you’re into that, no pressure, but if you are? jackpot). They let you in on one secret. Just one. It’s their way of saying "we trust you with our lives".

Taglist: @the-mysterious-detective @mehiwilldoitlater @theonceunknown @gravedwe11er @lesboficfanatic @bunny-fair @drowning-in-sorrowing-tales @bookandyarndragonwritesdark @fandomcatchall @thebetterblacklight @incrediblethirst @beckyninja @ilovewolvezz @celestia0473 @nereidof40k @hopefully-grimderp @acgames @mortarion-thinks-youre-toxic @catabibaz0n @subtlepoisonknowledge @aggresivemenace @veryspecificreason @rogalist-of-dorns @green-square-anon @hellafluff @psykerofbones @randomlyappearingartist @nyrocwolfen @stpdeletacc @solareias @omg1wanttidd1es-sb @2manyburiedtales @obsidian-kirin @nightlordlover @thunderhawk727 @pippinsquishums @yogurtyosuke @rxfarba

Lion El'Jonson:

- Serf: *hands him his sword*

- Lion: "They touched my hand for 0.5 seconds longer than necessary"

- Has a full crisis meeting with his inner circle about What This Means

- Luther is like "my lord, they were just doing their job"

- Lion: "But they smiled at me"

- Spends three weeks analyzing every interaction

- The serf has no idea any of this is happening

Fulgrim:

- Serf: *compliments his artwork*

- Fulgrim: "THEY UNDERSTAND ME ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL"

- Writes them poetry

- Commissions a painting of them

- Plans their future together in his head

- The serf was just being polite about the portrait

- Honestly they're a little scared now

Perturabo:

- Serf: *remembers how he likes his tea*

- Perturabo: "Finally, someone who pays attention to detail"

- Starts leaving his designs out for them to see

- "They're the only one who appreciates my work"

- Builds them a mechanically perfect music box

- Serf: "Thank you, my lord?" *confused*

- Perturabo thinks this is a love story, it's actually just good customer service

Jaghatai Khan:

- Serf: *laughs at his joke*

- Khan: "We have a connection"

- Invites them to go riding

- Writes them into his poetry

- They're just being friendly because he's their boss??

- He's already named the wind after them

- Serf is just trying to get through their shift

Leman Russ:

- serf: *brings him food*

- Russ: "THEY WISH TO PROVIDE FOR ME"

- This is clearly a courtship ritual in his mind

- Starts trying to impress them with stories

- Brings them trophies from hunts

- Serf: "My lord, I'm just doing my job"

- Russ: "So humble!!"

Rogal Dorn:

- Serf: *follows his instructions precisely*

- Dorn: "They understand the importance of protocol. This is compatibility."

- Adds them to his personal schedule

- "We work well together"

- Starts building them things

- The serf is just good at their job and now they have a fortress??

- Dorn has planned their next 50 years together

Konrad Curze:

- Serf: *doesn't run away screaming*

- Curze: "They accept me as I am"

- Gets wildly attached immediately

- Has visions of their future (probably concerning)

- Serf is literally just brave/professional

- Or too scared to run

- This will not end well but it's happening

Sanguinius:

- Serf: *normal amount of awe at his presence*

- Sanguinius: "I felt something"

- He's so used to worship he thinks genuine kindness is love

- Starts seeking them out specifically

- Writes the most beautiful poetry about them

- Serf is having a religious experience, not a romantic one

- The disconnect is real

Ferrus Manus:

- Serf: *shows interest in his forge work*

- Ferrus: "A kindred spirit"

- Starts teaching them metalwork

- "They appreciate craftsmanship"

- Makes them elaborate gifts

- Serf just thought the metalwork was cool

- Now they're in an apprenticeship/romance they didn't sign up for

Angron:

- Serf: *shows him basic human kindness*

- Angron: *completely overwhelmed*

- Has never experienced gentleness

- Thinks this is what love is

- Gets protective immediately

- Serf: "I just asked if you were okay??"

- Angron: "No one has ever cared before"

- This is heartbreaking actually

Roboute Guilliman:

- Serf: *efficient at their job*

- Guilliman: "Excellent organizational compatibility"

- Has a spreadsheet on why this makes sense

- "Our workflow synergy is optimal"

- Plans a logical progression of courtship

- Serf: "I just filed your reports?"

- Guilliman: "Exactly. Perfect partnership material."

Mortarion:

- Serf: *doesn't recoil from him*

- Mortarion: "They see past the exterior"

- Gets super intense about it

- "Everyone else fears me but not them"

- Serf is just professional

- Or has a really good poker face

- Mortarion is writing tragic poetry about this

Magnus the Red:

- Serf: *makes eye contact*

- Magnus: "A PSYCHIC BOND"

- Reads way too much into every interaction

- "Our souls resonated"

- Does mystical readings about their compatibility

- Serf: "I literally just looked at you??"

- Magnus: "Exactly. Destiny."

Horus Lupercal:

- Serf: *responds to his charisma like everyone does*

- Horus: "This one is different"

- Narrator: They were not different

- But Horus is convinced

- Turns on the charm to 11

- Serf is just starstruck like everyone else

- Horus thinks he's found his soulmate

Lorgar Aurelian

- Serf: *exists near him*

- Lorgar: "A SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE"

- Writes 500 pages about this divine connection

- "They were sent to me"

- Creates a whole theology around it

- Serf: "I was assigned to this shift"

- Lorgar: "Yes. Assigned by fate."

Vulkan:

- Serf: *accepts a hug*

- Vulkan: "They understand my need for connection!"

- Makes them personalized gifts

- "A bond forged in friendship and fire"

- Okay but Vulkan might actually just want to be friends

- Serf is cool with this

- This is the healthiest one on the list honestly

Corvus Corax:

- Serf: *brings him food in his dark brooding corner*

- Corax: "They seek me out in the shadows"

- Writes angsty poetry about it because why not

- "They are my light in the darkness"

- Serf: "someone has to make sure you eat??"

- Corax: *more poetry*

- The drama of it all

Alpharius/Omegon:

- Serf: *literally just doing their assigned tasks*

- Alpharius: "They've seen through my disguise"

- Omegon: "No they haven't"

- Alpharius: "This is a test of their loyalty"

- Serf has no idea there are two of them

- Both primarchs think the serf is in love with them specifically

- Serf: "I'm so confused"

Taglist: @the-mysterious-detective @mehiwilldoitlater @theonceunknown @gravedwe11er @lesboficfanatic @bunny-fair @drowning-in-sorrowing-tales @bookandyarndragonwritesdark @fandomcatchall @thebetterblacklight @incrediblethirst @beckyninja @ilovewolvezz @celestia0473 @nereidof40k @hopefully-grimderp @acgames @mortarion-thinks-youre-toxic @catabibaz0n @subtlepoisonknowledge @aggresivemenace @veryspecificreason @rogalist-of-dorns @hellafluff @psykerofbones @randomlyappearingartist @nyrocwolfen @stpdeletacc @solareias @omg1wanttidd1es-sb @2manyburiedtales @obsidian-kirin @nightlordlover @thunderhawk727 @pippinsquishums

- Lion El'Jonson

Favorite body part: Thighs and the soft crease where thigh meets ass. He’s obsessed with thick, powerful legs he can grip and bruise.

Loves to cum on: Inner thighs and the underside of the ass. He wants to watch it drip down slowly while you’re still trembling.

- Fulgrim

Favorite body part: The entire elegant line of the back and spine, especially the dimples right above the ass, and a graceful neck he can bite.

Loves to cum on: The small of the back and those perfect lumbar dimples. He’ll paint you like a canvas and admire his work.

- Perturabo

Favorite body part: Wide hips and a strong, thick ass he can grab hard enough to leave fingerprints in the flesh.

Loves to cum on: Deep between the ass cheeks or right on the lower back after bending you over his workbench.

- Jaghatai Khan

Favorite body part: Tight waist and athletic legs built for riding. He loves gripping something that can keep up with his speed.

Loves to cum on: Stomach and tits. He wants to see it splashed across your front while you’re panting and sweaty.

- Leman Russ

Favorite body part: Tits and a soft, biteable neck/shoulders. The bigger and softer the better, something he can bury his face in.

Loves to cum on: Tits and face. He wants you marked, messy and smelling like him.

- Rogal Dorn

Favorite body part: Strong shoulders, broad back and a solid ass he can slam into without worry.

Loves to cum on: Ass and lower back. Practical, possessive and leaves you dripping while he admires how well you took him.

- Konrad Curze

Favorite body part: Pale skin that marks easily: neck, inner thighs and anything he can sink his teeth into.

Loves to cum on: Face and throat. He wants to see his seed running down your chin while you look up at him with those scared/pretty eyes.

- Sanguinius

Favorite body part: The curve of the hips, waist and elegant collarbones. He’s almost worshipful about beautiful, angelic proportions.

Loves to cum on: Chest, neck and collarbones. He makes it look poetic even when he’s painting you white.

- Ferrus Manus

Favorite body part: Ass and thick thighs. Something solid he can grip with those metal hands without immediately breaking you (he tries).

Loves to cum on: Ass, especially after pounding you from behind. He wants to watch it run down your crack.

- Angron

Favorite body part: Anything he can bruise and mark. Neck, tits, hips... the more damage the better.

Loves to cum on: Face and open mouth. He wants to see you choke on it and wear it like a trophy.

- Roboute Guilliman

Favorite body part: Soft stomach, wide breeding hips and a plush ass he can hold while he’s being efficient.

Loves to cum on: Deep inside or right on the stomach so he can watch it pool in your belly button.

- Mortarion

Favorite body part: Neck and throat (easy to choke) and surprisingly soft, pale skin he can defile.

Loves to cum on: Throat and chest. Bonus points if you’re coughing and gasping while covered.

- Magnus the Red

Favorite body part: Eyes and mouth but physically he’s addicted to a supple waist and an ass he can spread wide while he studies every reaction.

Loves to cum on: Face, tongue and glasses (if you’re wearing any). He finds it intellectually arousing to ruin something beautiful.

- Horus Lupercal

Favorite body part: Tits, hips and that perfect little spot right under the jaw he can kiss before he ruins you.

Loves to cum on: Tits and face. The Warmaster wants to see you absolutely glazed and still begging for more.

- Lorgar Aurelian

Favorite body part: Soft throat and plush tits he can squeeze while whispering scripture. He loves watching them bounce as he fucks you like a holy offering.

Loves to cum on: Your face and open mouth. He wants to watch his thick seed coat your tongue and drip down your chin while you kneel like a devoted supplicant.

- Vulkan

Favorite body part: Everything soft and warm like big tits, thick thighs, a plush body he can hold against his hot skin.

Loves to cum on: Tits and stomach. He wants you dripping with his heat, literally.

- Corvus Corax

Favorite body part: Neck, shoulders and a lithe, flexible body he can bend into any position in the dark.

Loves to cum on: Back and ass while taking you from behind. Shadowy, possessive and silent.

- Alpharius/Omegon

Favorite body part: Whatever confuses and overwhelms you most. Usually throat and ass at the same time.

Loves to cum on: Both ends. One in the mouth, one deep inside or across the face. They like symmetry in their mess.

+ Bonus

- Emperor of Mankind

Favorite body part: Your tight throat and fertile hips. He loves gripping that perfect waist while claiming what belongs to him by divine right.

Loves to cum on: Deep inside you or across your face and tits. He wants you marked and overflowing with the seed of a god.

- Malcador the Sigillite

Favorite body part: Soft neck and supple ass he can squeeze while whispering forbidden truths in your ear.

Loves to cum on: Your face and open mouth. He enjoys watching the old man’s load drip down your chin as you kneel before him.

Taglist: @the-mysterious-detective @mehiwilldoitlater @theonceunknown @gravedwe11er @lesboficfanatic @bunny-fair @drowning-in-sorrowing-tales @bookandyarndragonwritesdark @fandomcatchall @thebetterblacklight @incrediblethirst @beckyninja @ilovewolvezz @nereidof40k @hopefully-grimderp @acgames @mortarion-thinks-youre-toxic @catabibaz0n @subtlepoisonknowledge @aggresivemenace @veryspecificreason @rogalist-of-dorns @hellafluff @psykerofbones @randomlyappearingartist @nyrocwolfen @stpdeletacc @solareias @omg1wanttidd1es-sb @2manyburiedtales @obsidian-kirin @nightlordlover @thunderhawk727 @pippinsquishums

Bay Seven smells like ceramite, machine oil and sanctity. You hate it immediately.

There are five of them. Five giant bastards in green armor, all standing at attention like they've got sticks up their asses. Which knowing the Salamanders they probably think is a virtue.

The one in front is obviously the sergeant. His armor's got more purity seals than the others and his face... Emperor's rotting cock, his face is scarred. Not the fun kind of scars either. The 'I survived something horrible and it made me contemplative' kind.

"You must be our new... ally" he says. His voice is like rocks grinding together.

"And you must be the babysitters." You spread your arms. The armor's servos whine. You hate that sound. Your armor used to purr. "I'm Nahl Krayd. I've killed more people than you've saved. This is going to be awful."

One of the other Salamanders steps forward. Younger, you think. Less scarred. "Brother-Sergeant Tho'vus, should we really..."

"Peace, Brother Nak'tal." The sergeant, Tho'vus apparently, doesn't take his eyes off you. "The Inquisitor has commanded it. We serve the Imperium, even in this."

"The Imperium" you mutter. "Right. The Imperium that enslaves psykers, exterminates entire planets for one heretic and feeds a million souls a year to a corpse on a chair."

The collar beeps.

"But sure" you continue, grinning "I AM the bad guy."

Tho'vus stares at you for a long moment. Then he does something you don't expect.

He laughs.

It's a small laugh, barely a chuckle but it's there. "You are going to be very difficult, aren't you?"

"Oh, you have no idea." You look at the rest of them. "So who are you other colorful bastards?"

The young one, Nak'tal, looks offended. "We are the Sons of Vulkan. We are the protectors of the innocent, the guardians of humanity, the flame that burns against the darkness..."

"Yeah, yeah, fire metaphors, I get it. You." You point at a Salamander who has burn scars across his face. "What's your damage?"

"Brother-Apothecary Dak'tar" he says quietly. "I tend to the wounded."

"Great so you'll be busy when I inevitably get shot because I'm wearing the wrong colors." You point at the next one, a big bastard with a flamer. "You?"

"Brother Ha'var. Heavy weapons."

"Of course you are." The last one is checking a bolter, not even looking at you. "And you, edge lord?"

He looks up. "Brother-Librarian Zar'kesh."

A psyker. Oh, this just keeps getting better.

"Fantastic. A boy scout, a medic, a pyromaniac, a witch and..." You squint at Nak'tal. "What's your deal? You seem too enthusiastic."

"I am honored to serve alongside my brothers in the name of the Emperor and Vulkan!"

"He's new" Tho'vus says dryly.

"He's going to die first" You say cheerfully. "I give him three days."

Nak'tal's face goes through several emotions. Offense. Anger. Uncertainty. Finally he settles on: "The Emperor protects!"

"The Emperor's a corpse" you reply. "But sure, let's go with that."

The collar beeps three times in rapid succession.

Tho'vus raises a hand before anyone can speak. "Enough. We have our orders. Nahl Krayd, you will follow our commands and observe our rules. In return you will live. Is this acceptable?"

You look at him. Really look. He's serious. He actually thinks this is going to work. These idiots think they can just... what? Rehabilitate you? Make you see the light?

You've been wearing the skins of my enemies for longer than some of these bastards have been alive.

But the collar's still beeping and your neck is still very attached to your head so you shrug.

"Sure. Why not. This should be hilarious."

Inquisitor Helastus' voice crackles over the vox. "Strike Force Prometheus, you are cleared for departure. May the Emperor guide your path."

"May Vulkan's flame light the way" the Salamanders respond in unison.

You just start laughing.

It's going to be a long mission.

You've been alive for more than two hundred years. You've flayed approximately forty thousand people. You've eaten parts of maybe three hundred of them. You once made a man's entire extended family into a wind chime that screamed when the breeze hit it just right.

And yet somehow this is the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

"The green is hideous" you say for the twentieth time.

Inquisitor Helastus doesn't even look up from her dataslate. She's a tall woman and she's wearing that stupid rosette like it means something. "Noted. Again."

"No, you don't understand." You gesture at the power armor they've strapped you into. Salamanders colors. You feel like vomiting just from the colors alone. "This is a war crime. This violates the Edict of Nikaea. The Treaty of Olympus. The... the Laws of Fashion."

"The Laws of Fashion aren't real."

"THEY SHOULD BE!"

The explosive collar around your neck beeps cheerfully. It does that when you raise your voice. Apparently you're supposed to learn not to do that. You've been here six hours and it's beeped four hundred and nine times.

Inquisitor Helastus finally looks at you. "Nahl Krayd. Serial number lost to time. Warband designation: The Screaming Dark. Wanted for fifteen thousand counts of known murder, eight thousand counts of torture, although the suspected number is much higher; six thousand counts of wearing the skins of your victims as hand puppets during planetary invasions..."

"That was one time and it was hilarious."

"... four thousand counts of cannibalism, three thousand counts of defiling Imperial shrines by leaving artistic arrangements of intestines..."

"I call that one 'Still Life with Colon'."

"... and one count of stealing a Chimera APC and joyriding it through a cathedral while screaming 'The Emperor is a corpse and I fucked your mom'."

You grin. Your teeth are filed to points. "Good times."

She sighs. It's the sigh of a woman who has made a terrible mistake but is committed to seeing it through. You know that sigh. You've heard it from every single one of your victims right before they realized you weren't going to kill them quickly.

"You are being assigned to Strike Force Prometheus. You will work with a squad of Salamanders Space Marines on a mission to investigate Chaos cult activity on the hive world of Malavax VII. You will follow orders. You will not kill, maim, flay, eat or psychologically scar any Imperial citizens without direct authorization. You will not remove the armor. You will not remove the collar. If you attempt to escape the collar explodes. If you kill any Salamanders the collar explodes. If you disobey a direct order from me or the Salamanders squad leader the collar explodes. If you try to take the armor off the collar explodes. If you complain too much the collar..."

"Explodes, yeah, I get it." You slump in the restraint throne. "This is because of the candles thing, isn't it?"

For the first time something almost like emotion crosses her face. "You turned forty three Space Marines into human torches."

"Salamanders. They were Salamanders. The irony was exquisite." You lean forward. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get promethium to burn at exactly the right temperature to keep an Astartes alive while they're on fire? I'm talking precise chemical calculations. That's art."

"That's why you're still alive." She stands. "You're clever. Resourceful. Adaptable. And most importantly you're terrified of dying."

You bare your teeth. "I'm not scared of shit."

The collar beeps.

She smiles. It's not a nice smile. "We'll see. The Salamanders are waiting in Bay Seven. Try not to make them kill you in the first five minutes."

Don't worry, it will get worse (or better, depending on your point of view).

Lion El'Jonson

- "Father... to whom exactly should I get married?"

- the Emperor: "That's your problem"

- Lion: windows shutting down noises

- has literally never talked to anyone casually in his life

- asks Luther for advice

- Luther: "Maybe try... talking to people?"

- "I do talk to people. I give them orders and they follow them."

- "That's not the same"

- tries to approach this like a military operation

- makes a list of "acceptable candidates" based on strategic alliances

- realizes that's insane

- deletes the list

- starts over

- awkwardly attends social events in full armor

- stands in corners

- someone tries to talk to him and he accidentally challenges them to a duel

- "WAIT NO I DIDN'T MEAN"

- Luther has to rescue him

- eventually meets someone at a diplomatic function

- attempts to flirt

- it comes out as a tactical briefing

- "Your strategic value is... significant"

- somehow it works???

- they think his awkwardness is charming

- spends the entire courtship terrified he'll mess it up

- proposes with a full presentation including slides

- they say yes because he's trying so hard it's adorable

Fulgrim

- "Find someone? I must find perfection"

- sets impossible standards

- "They must be beautiful, cultured, artistic, intelligent-"

- Ferrus: "You're describing a museum"

- goes on 50 dates

- finds flaws in everyone

- "Their laugh was 2% off from ideal"

- has a crisis at month 6

- "What if perfection doesn't exist?!"

- Ferrus: "What if you're being ridiculous"

- finally meets someone who calls him out on his nonsense

- "You're being absolutely insufferable, you know that?"

- Fulgrim: shocked Pikachu face

- falls immediately

- "They're perfect because they're imperfect!"

- writes them poetry

- serenades them

- learns their favorite flower and fills their room with them

- proposes in the most elaborate way possible

- they laugh and say "finally, took you long enough"

- he's never been more in love

Perturabo

- "This is ridiculous"

- doesn't even try to look for anyone

- buries himself in work

- month 9: the Emperor asks about his progress

- Perturabo: "I've been... busy"

- panics

- tries to design an algorithm to find compatible matches

- the algorithm crashes

- takes it personally

- sulks

- accidentally meets someone at a building site

- they're an architect/engineer

- they start arguing about load-bearing walls

- argues for 3 hours

- realizes he's enjoying himself

- has a crisis about it

- avoids them for a week

- they show up at his workshop

- "Are you going to finish our argument or not?"

- he's in love but will never admit it

- they bond over criticizing bad architecture

- proposes by showing them his greatest design

- "I built this for you"

- they cry

- he stands there awkwardly

- "Is that... good crying?"

Jaghatai Khan

- "I'll find someone on the road!"

- rides off into the sunset

- the Emperor: "You have 11 months"

- Jaghatai: "PLENTY OF TIME"

- meets various people during his travels

- they're all great but not quite right

- month 10: still hasn't found anyone

- his brothers are worried

- he's not

- "The wind will guide me"

- meets someone in a small settlement

- they're racing their own bike

- "Want to race?"

- they win

- he's smitten

- "Marry me"

- "You don't even know my name"

- "I'll learn it on the way to the finish line"

- somehow this works

- they race across the plains together

- proposes while going 200 km/h

- "IS THAT A YES?"

- "CAN'T HEAR YOU, GO FASTER"

- it's perfect

Leman Russ

- "I need someone who can drink!"

- makes this his only criteria

- has drinking contests with potential partners

- this goes poorly

- his brothers intervene

- "Russ you can't choose a spouse based on alcohol tolerance"

- "WHY NOT"

- throws a giant feast to meet people

- gets distracted by the food

- forgets he's supposed to be looking for a spouse

- meets someone who beats him in an arm wrestling contest

- "MARRY ME"

- "You don't even know me"

- "I KNOW YOU'RE STRONG, THAT'S ENOUGH"

- they laugh at him

- he falls even harder

- follows them around like a puppy

- brings them gifts (mostly dead animals)

- they're bewildered but charmed

- he proposes during another feast

- very loudly

- in front of everyone

- they say yes because he's ridiculous but sincere

Rogal Dorn

- creates a questionnaire

- it's 40 pages long

- his brothers tell him this is insane

- "It's efficient"

- no one fills it out

- doesn't understand why

- tries speed dating

- treats it like job interviews

- "What are your qualifications?"

- "This is a date"

- "Yes. What are your qualifications for dating?"

- it goes terribly

- Sigismund suggests he try being less... formal

- "I don't understand"

- meets someone at a construction site

- they ask his opinion on the foundation

- he talks for 3 hours about structural integrity

- they actually listen

- he's confused

- they meet again

- and again

- he realizes he's been accidentally dating them for 4 months

- "We should formalize this arrangement"

- "Rogal... are you proposing?"

- "Yes. Is that acceptable?"

- they're laughing and crying

- "Yes, you beautiful awkward man"

Konrad Curze

- laughs maniacally

- "Who would want to marry me?"

- doesn't even try

- hides in the dark

- his brothers are concerned

- Sanguinius drags him to social events

- he traumatizes everyone by accident

- "I had a vision of your death, would you like to hear it?"

- "KONRAD NO"

- eventually meets someone who's not afraid of him

- "Your visions don't scare me"

- "They SHOULD"

- "But they don't"

- he's so confused

- they keep finding him in the darkness

- "Are you avoiding me?"

- "... yes"

- "Too bad"

- they refuse to leave

- he falls in love against his will

- has visions of a happy future

- doesn't trust them

- they prove him wrong

- proposes in the most ominous way possible

- "I've seen our future. Stay with me."

- they understand what he means

- "Yes"

Sanguinius

- everyone wants to marry him

- EVERYONE

- he's overwhelmed

- gets 10000 proposals in the first week

- has a crisis

- "How do I choose? What if I hurt someone's feelings?"

- is too nice to reject anyone directly

- his sons have to run interference

- hides in his chambers

- accidentally meets someone who doesn't know who he is

- they treat him like a normal person

- he's thrilled

- "You're not going to ask about my wings?"

- "Should I?"

- falls in love immediately

- courts them properly

- reveals who he is eventually

- "Oh. You're the Primarch. That's... okay I guess?"

- "Just okay??"

- "I liked you better when you were just the awkward guy at the café"

- he laughs so hard he cries

- proposes with tears in his eyes

- "Please let me be awkward with you forever"

Ferrus Manus

- "I'll just... build a partner?"

- Fulgrim: "THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS"

- is genuinely confused about how to meet people

- works in his forge 24/7

- his sons are worried

- makes practice rings

- 500 practice rings

- someone comes to commission a weapon

- they talk about metallurgy for hours

- Ferrus doesn't notice time passing

- they come back the next day

- and the next

- month 8: realizes he's been in love for months

- panics

- "What do I do"

- Fulgrim: "TELL THEM"

- awkwardly presents them with a perfectly forged ring

- "I made this for you"

- "Ferrus... is this?"

- "If you want it to be?"

- they tackle-hug him

- he's never been happier

Angron

- "No one will want me"

- is genuinely convinced of this

- doesn't try

- his brothers won't let him give up

- "You deserve love too"

- "No, I don't"

- gets dragged to social events

- stands in corners looking angry (he's scared)

- accidentally saves someone from danger

- they thank him

- he doesn't know how to respond

- they keep talking to him

- "Why aren't you afraid?"

- "Should I be?"

- "Everyone else is"

- "I'm not everyone else"

- he avoids them for weeks

- they hunt him down

- "Stop running from me"

- "I'm not running" (he is)

- they wear him down with persistence

- he falls in love but fights it

- they fight back

- proposes during an argument

- "FINE, marry me then if you're so determined to stay!"

- "Was that a proposal?"

- "... yes"

- "Then yes"

- he breaks down crying

Roboute Guilliman

- creates a comprehensive dating strategy

- it fails immediately

- recalculates

- fails again

- has a crisis

- "Why isn't this working?!"

- his sons: "Maybe try... not planning everything?"

- "That's irrational"

- meets someone who throws off all his calculations

- they're chaotic and spontaneous

- he's stressed

- he's also fascinated

- tries to predict their behavior

- fails every time

- it's exciting???

- has an existential crisis about enjoying unpredictability

- they laugh at his spreadsheets

- "You can't calculate love, Roboute"

- "I can try"

- "You'll fail"

- "I know" smiles

- proposes with a detailed plan

- they say yes but insist on changing half of it

- he lets them

- growth!

Mortarion

- "I'm not doing this"

- locks himself away

- his brothers stage an intervention

- "You have 3 months left"

- "Let me face the consequences then"

- gets dragged to events anyway

- makes everyone uncomfortable (he's trying but doesn't know how)

- meets someone in a garden

- they're studying poisonous plants

- "Those will kill you"

- "I know, that's why I'm studying them"

- actually has a conversation

- they meet again by accident

- and again

- he starts going to the garden on purpose

- they notice

- "Are you following me?"

- "... no" (yes)

- they smile

- "Good, I was hoping you would"

- he doesn't understand feelings

- they're patient

- proposes very awkwardly

- "You should... stay. With me. Forever."

- "Is that a proposal?"

- "If you want it to be"

- "Then yes"

Magnus the Red

- "I'll use sorcery to find my perfect match!"

- this backfires spectacularly

- summons the wrong person multiple times

- accidentally creates a minor warp incident

- the Emperor: "MAGNUS"

- "It was a small warp incident!"

- tries regular dating

- reads minds accidentally

- "You're thinking about..."

- "STOP READING MY MIND"

- "I can't help it!"

- gets banned from several venues

- meets someone who's psychically null

- can't read their mind at all

- it's fascinating

- "What are you thinking?"

- "You'll have to ask me like a normal person"

- falls in love with the mystery

- courts them with ancient poetry

- accidentally sets things on fire when nervous

- proposes surrounded by floating candles

- some of them are on fire

- "Is this... safe?"

- "Probably not, but is that a yes?"

- "You're ridiculous. Yes."

Horus Lupercal

- "I'll have no problem finding someone"

- has many problems

- everyone wants him for his status

- he wants someone genuine

- goes on many dates

- they're all superficial

- gets discouraged

- meets someone who doesn't know who he is

- they're not impressed by his rank

- "You're kind of full of yourself"

- he's shocked

- also intrigued

- pursues them

- they make him work for it

- he's never tried this hard for anything

- realizes he actually likes the challenge

- they call him out when he's being fake

- "I want the real you, not the Warmaster"

- he shows them

- they stay

- proposes without any of his usual charm

- just sincere and vulnerable

- "I love you. Please marry me."

- "There you are. Yes."

Lorgar Aurelian

- becomes obsessed with finding "the one"

- reads every religious text about soulmates

- prays for guidance

- has a vision (maybe???)

- follows the vision

- gets lost

- ends up in a random library

- meets a librarian

- talks about theology for 6 hours

- they debate scripture

- he's in love

- visits the library every day

- brings them books

- writes them poetry

- illuminates a whole manuscript for them

- they're overwhelmed but touched

- he proposes with a hand-written book

- "I've written our story, will you help me write the rest?"

- they're crying

- he's crying

- everyone's crying

- it's beautiful

Vulkan

- "I'll know them when I meet them!"

- is optimistic

- meets many people

- they're all wonderful

- but not quite right

- doesn't get discouraged

- keeps looking

- helps everyone he meets anyway

- meets someone at a forge

- they're teaching children metalwork

- his heart just... knows

- they work together

- laugh together

- he makes them little gifts

- they make him things too

- it's natural and easy

- proposes while forging together

- "Will you let me keep your fire burning forever?"

- they understand immediately

- "Yes"

- it's the sweetest thing

- everyone happy-cries at the wedding

Corvus Corax

- "I can't do this"

- hides

- really well

- his brothers can't find him

- month 11: the Emperor is looking for him

- gets found

- "You have 2 weeks"

- panics

- accidentally literally runs into someone

- they don't recognize him

- "Sorry!"

- they talk

- he doesn't have to perform

- keeps meeting them accidentally-on-purpose

- they figure out who he is

- "You're a Primarch??"

- "Please don't treat me differently"

- "... okay"

- they don't

- he's so relieved

- proposes in a shadowy corner

- very quietly

- "Would you... I mean... only if you want..."

- "Corvus. Yes."

- "I didn't finish..."

- "Don't care. Yes."

Alpharius and Omegon

- "We have a plan"

- the plan is chaos

- they both try to date separately

- keep running into each other's dates

- "What are YOU doing here?"

- "What are YOU doing here?"

- it's a mess

- eventually meet someone who figures out there's two of them

- "So which one of you am I dating?"

- "Yes"

- "That's not an answer"

- "It is for us"

- somehow they're okay with this

- the courtship is bizarre

- neither knows who's meeting them when

- proposes in stereo

- both at the same time

- "Will you marry us?"

- "Which one?"

- "Both"

- "This is insane"

- "Is that a yes?"

- "... yes"

- the wedding has two grooms

- or one groom twice

- nobody knows

The Emperor 11 months later:

"They all... actually did it?"

Malcador: "I'm as shocked as you are, my lord."

The Emperor: "I expected at least five of them to fail."

Malcador: "Curze almost did."

The Emperor: "But he didn't. They're all married now."

Malcador: "Yes. Should we tell them it was a test of their ability to adapt to impossible social situations?"

The Emperor: "Absolutely not. Let them be happy."

Meanwhile the Primarchs in group chat:

Guilliman: "Did anyone else feel like that was a test?"

Lion: "Obviously."

Horus: "We all passed though"

Fulgrim: "Some of us with more grace than others"

Perturabo: "Says the one who had a breakdown over hair"

Fulgrim: "IT WAS AN IMPORTANT BREAKDOWN"

Alpharius: "Bold of you to assume we got married"

Omegon: "Bold of you to assume we didn't"

Corvus: "I'm still not sure how this happened"

Vulkan: "Love, brother! :)"

Mortarion: "Ugh"

Angron: "Same"

Tumblr originally deleted what I wrote so I was like "fuck it" and made it much dumber than it originally was! Although I hope it's still enjoyable! <3