BaffledBerry

In all these years I've been living I thought I had to live through a given set of rules That I didn't realize were a given tanglement of guidelines I could choose not to follow. Everywhere I'd look, I'd see the same story Of what I thought was going to be the story of my life As much as it was theirs. Get my first boyfriend in highschool, My first heartbreak soon after, But don't worry, because at uni you'll find one much better! Besides, after a little while, you'll leave your education with a smile In exchange for a well-paying job. A nine-to-five which, of course, will be the dream of your life. Next to your other dreams of getting married and having babies Who'll grow up in a house of your own Till they fly out and leave you all alone In a house that is too big for just you and your other half. And let's not forget about that job, Which will work you till you drop Into retirement, Eventually. If I actually live to see The moment I'll finally be supposedly free To do what I actually want. As long as my body allows it. As long as there's still a world I can live in.

I've been thinking about my future more and more. I've been starting to question if this Is actually what I've been looking forward to. Because it has come to my attention That my intention for the life I want to live Is not one that exactly fits within these guidelines I've been given. I've actually failed some of them already. My first boyfriend in highschool, Or maybe I'll get one at uni? Don't make me laugh. In all my years of living, I've never even been given my first kiss, Much less found a boy with whom I'll want to share my life. And although it took me some time, I'm finally fine with the possibility of staying single For the most part Or even all of my life. Because I'm happy with the life that I'm living now.

But of course, this won't be forever. Soon I'll have to find a job. But it kinda already feels like I'll flop, Because I still don't feel ready To leave behind the life that I've known till now. Full of studying for tests and More free time than I'll ever know. And to trade that all for years and years For jobs I might not actually enjoy Or be underpaid for. Then to come home, after that straining nine-to-five has ended, To slave away by taking care of the children sounds like such a pain. When will I have time to care for myself, When at the end of the day I will have no care left after spending it all On my job, my partner, my kids, and the chores. I'd much rather come home to an empty apartment. Alright, there might be place for a cat, Or 2, Or more. In this economy, they'll be the only babies I know I can support.

They say we learn from our mistakes. But if that's what it takes, I'm a poor student of life. Even if the light shines green and not red, You can find me hiding away. Crouched in the shadows instead.

I'm constantly fighting the thoughts in my head. These thoughts that are driving my motions are fed, By moments that keep swirling in my mind. Real or not, it makes no difference as I find, That instead of taking a rest, they're keeping me blind.

Being fed by fears for so long, Their hands have become too strong, To quickly break away from. But I try, with little steps, To push away their dire threats. What if I try again and see, That the problem was not me. Or anything at all. Was there even a problem after all?

But that scares me even more. Because it could mean that all I've done before, Were just foolish acts I wouldn't break away from. I'm afraid it will make me seem like weak scum. At least, that is what my head is telling me.

But will others look at me with these same thoughts? Will they give me the same names I give myself? Or will I find that my mind has fed me lies again? Once I break away from these chains, Can I possibly leave behind these blames?

You can't hide it. Not anymore. When you take a look, And it's different from before. Living in ignorance, Might help you to ease. But ignoring the truth, Won't bring any peace.

Yes, you could close your eyes. Yes, you could cover your ears. Yes, you could build walls around your heart, And return to fake ignorance. But you can't erase what has been done, Or everything that has to come, That will bring this world to tears.

Laughter turning into the sound Of ashes falling on the ground. All the lights of their hopes and dreams, Turning into sights of bloodstreams. The comfort of their homes, Buried by destruction-filled tomes. Colourful lives that turn shades of black. Even of those without a chance to fight back.

New place, new home. Now I'm finally on my own! In here, I'm the boss And no one may spoil my gloss. It makes my heart race because

Now, I may eat whatever I whish. Goodbye to every icky dish! Now, I can work without distractions. Goodbye to those irritating actions! Now, no one comes to argue 'bout stupid little things. Goodbye to my annoying siblings! Now, no one will tell me what to do. Goodbye to those dumb rules I knew!

Now, I must choose what to eat. Help, the responsibility is way too sweet! Now, no one's here to distract me. Help, I miss those breaks secretly! Now, no one bothers me for little things. Help, I might really miss my siblings! Now, my parents aren't here to tell me what to do. Help, I would have appreciated them more if I knew

High on a mountain I stand alone. My pride overflowing As if a fountain, As I look upon The long river On which I've been rowing And the rocks I've climbed.

I want to shout. SHOUT! But when I open my mouth, Nothing comes out. Trapped in a box, Can't find my way out. My mind goes in circles, Round and Round. I'm screaming at walls, But I don't hear a sound.

My limbs feel numb, My eyes turn black, My heart's like a drum, My thoughts a trap. I fall down. I hit the ground. No exit found. I can't go back, To where I came from.