@badsufiwriting - Tumblr Blog

It is such an eerie, deafening feeling to be isolated. Especially when I primarily spend my week engaging in so much social engagement. Yet it’s Friday night, and I took today off. I almost relapsed last night. And now tonight is a repeat of yesterday’s familiar tale. It’s been so long since I’ve felt these cravings and had these images at the forefront of my mind. Unfortunately, I am alone in this. Unfortunately, it is I who will die with this.

#:)#w.#things that make me a bad sufi

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I do not harbor any feelings of sorrow for the loss of the life here. Baha al-Din Valad speaks that gods strongest creation is love. And as I reflect and meditate on this, my heart is neither full nor empty with this. It is simply there. With an understanding of both, yet a bias towards one.

#w.#things that make me a bad sufi

reflections

Lately love has been on my mind. Love in its purest forms, and its most painful forms.

We spend so much time placing a heavier value on pain than we do love. When love is one of our god given rights to experience the wealth of the world. We’d rather focus on the 2 weeks of anger and despair that we fell to, than the 1 hour of joy the same circumstance brought us.

It is not a matter of glass half empty, vs glass half full. It is a matter of understanding that your glass will never be full, as long as you continue to drink from it. Life will never be perfect, as long as you continue to live through it.

I feel that I am constantly grasping at the next goal in front of me, my next accolade, or my next moment on top. It’s not that I want the praise, but the love. I enjoy the love, albeit superficial, that comes from someone in particular.

Others often feel this way as well. With friends, family, mentors, or anyone in general you seek validation from.

I often daydream of a time where I won't seek this superficial love. For I have tasted genuine love, and I know what it smells like, feels like, and sounds like. I know what genuine love is because it is when my partner has sat with me awake, in my darkest moments, at 3am.

And although we know what genuine love feels like, we still pretend that the superficial love we receive from that person in particular is true. We pretend that it is the warmest, and most secure form of human connection we could humanly possible. When it is really, it is a prison of our insecurities. It is a reflection of our deficits and lack of genuine love for ourselves.

#w.

mic check

an existential crisis

is only existential

until you realize

it’s all a social concept

#w.