cooler than god's toupee

Avatar is like Pocahontas dipped in blue Kool-Aid... plus sex.

Tripe tastes worse than Hitler's exposed ass crack.

Twizzlers are like child leashes for fairies, except child leashes don't make me salivate. Oh wait... yah they do......

Thanksgiving dinner is more delicious than a bypass surgery is necessary.

Being away from you makes my heart into a melted puddle of low fat, non dairy, margarine spread with no bagel to disperse myself over.

I miss you like a man with no teeth misses creamed corn.

Going through airport security is like smangin' the Tang chimpanzee with a dirty plastic spork.

Katy Perry is hotter than a frozen fish stick that has been thawed, microwaved, heated in the oven at 450 degrees Fahrenheit, saved in a tupperwear container for later, and re-microwaved during that ten minute break you have between classes next wednesday.

You smell like a honey coated turkey crossing the interstate highway.

The sound of your voice is like the sound of a kitten in a garbage disposal.

Watching Fox News is like being tied to a radiator and graped in the mouth with conservative politics.

Comma splices are like two janky puzzle pieces that are saturated with Welch's grape juice and toddler drool, they just don't fit together how you expect.

Marti Gras-- it's like high school prom, but stickier.

Eating at Taco Bell is like Christmas, except the Christmas tree catches on fire and instead of presents you get a cock-slap from Santa Claus' older brother in prison that the family doesn't like to talk about.

Listening to that Nickelback song was worse than having my tongue cut off, shred into little pieces, coated in honey, and fed to a rabid badger who was given a taste for human flesh.

Eating my grandma's green bean casserole tastes like being crucified.

My teeth are shinier than a freshly buffed floor at New Seasons.