it could always be worse

Lily Evans [about James Potter] (via incorrect-harry-potter-quotes)

LIKE THIS FOR A STARTER ! muses will vary .

“Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen?” “That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we’re drinking tonight in celebration!” “Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate.” “Okay I’m officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots.” “I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I’m very well-rounded.” “Did you happen to find my bra? I’m pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar…” “We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she’s the one.” “So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.” “I cannot handle Xanax… I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube.” “I don’t need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios.” “It was great.  Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!” “Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.” “He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can’t hold that against me.” “Should I get the rainbow boxer briefs?” “As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can’t handle.” “Yeah, I mean I’ll probably fuck him regardless but I’m trying to be a lady about it.” “I swear to god, if you have sex in my bed one more time you’re gonna start paying rent!” “Reminder- he’s a douche bag. A big one.” “He took shrooms and didn’t want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn’t want to break.” “We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.” “I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar…” “I feel like you’re the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society.” “No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.” “When I’m drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.” “We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk two blocks and get into our backyard?” “He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that?”

“I’m positive that we don’t fuck around.” “You should come through to our party,” “The future can never harm me.” “Show me I’m alive right now.” “So I focus love on what is whole and chase my magnum opus.” “There’s so much more life before I leave this skin behind me!” “From the view of an atom, the human body’s a universe.” “As you got older there were days of cold surrender,” “Have you felt a little off today, had a lot to say, but wound up talking to yourself?” “Have you hunted for a kindly ear, but couldn’t find one near, and wound up talking to yourself?” “Do you ever get lost, deep in your thoughts, tripping when you think about the cost of seeing this through…” “How you feeling today?” “My doctor says I’m being reckless.” “And I’ll fuck up my life real bad.” “But if I had choose I know I’d rather lose my life than have to lose myself.” “I’m already saved.” “I’d like us to spend some alone time.” “I don’t know if I’m close to drowning or if I’m finally free.” “Wow, what just happened?” “Stop! How much you fuckin got?” “Must be springtime in the city…” “You want to run a country? That makes me shiver.” “Bitch I wouldn’t trust you to run with adult scissors!” “Mercy is not a courtesy currently that occurs to me.” “I will not lie to you.” “Now we’re history, I’m saying goodbye to you.” “You’ve made a place where I’m welcome and although I give voice to it seldom, know I love you.” “Nobody’s above you.” “And if you love someone then you tell them…” “Stick to your guns.” “But this shit is fucking unbelievable!” “I swear you couldn’t write this this stuff.” “So in this scenario where I brush my teeth with a penis, let’s assume that the penis we’re dealing with sparkles the cleanest of all.” “Well I’ve made enemies along the ride.” “I’m afraid I could never be satisfied.” “You don’t know the name of like half of these folks, and they’ll be sprinting for the exit the minute you’re broke.” “It’s tough to care about stupid bullshit all of the time.” “I know it’s probably stupid to be scared,” “But these days are flying past us and nobody seems to care, it’s like we’re sprinting towards a brick wall we’re pretending isn’t there…” “Don’t let my ghost drag you down…” “I hope you smile when I’m gone, it means I had the strength to move on, to find another story to tell.” “I hope you enjoyed my twenties as much as I did.” “Have you ever seen a corpse?” “Lately it’s been getting harder to
 survive…”