V

the thing about the cutting is I don't really know how other people do it, what they do after, how much they do at each time. it's not something they put in the articles, not something you can ask anybody. I just started doing it, and it makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world; because I know cutting is a 'thing', but it's just so personal. I worked this out by myself, it's just something I do. it feels right, if I'm honest.

I don't like to take care of the cuts. Ive never ever bandaged them, I just sit for hours with toilet roll and wait for it to stop. and then I go to bed and let it bleed all over the sheets, and when I get in the shower I let it run off on the water and it stings. I used to use these three blades I pulled out of the razors my mom got me to shave my legs - they were so hard to extricate that I just used them for ever, until they were really blunt and left really ragged cuts. I miss those razors.

Start Weight: 118.2 lbs

Saturday (112 days to go) = 957kcals total

sip of smoothie - 159

1 bag of pop chips - 160

Mcdonalds w/ family - 593 (didnt purge it so yayayaya)

3 teas - 45

3 glasses of water - 0

exercise: paced 10,000 steps before bed

Sunday (111 days to go) = 756kcals total

pot of veggie soup - 246

vegan chicken kiev - 340

1/4 pot coleslaw - 110

4 tea - 60

5 glasses of water - 0

exercise: 45min dog walk + 40min walk

Monday (110 days to go) = 760kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

bag of popcorn - 192

tomato noodles - 418

4 teas at school - 60

150g mixed veggies - 68

tea - 15

5 glasses of water - 0

exercise: 1hr 15mins pacing before bed

Tuesday (109 days to go) = 669kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

1/2 bag of popcorn - 96

4 teas at school - 60

butternut soup - 104

baguette - 372

tea - 30

3 glasses of water - 0

exercise: 1hr pacing before bed

Wednesday (108 days to go) = 929kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

5 teas at school - 75

5 bricks of chocolate (felt faint) - 200

1 slice of pizza - 188

1/2 baguette - 186

salt butter - 73

1 Weetabix brick - 68

100ml semi-skimmed milk - 48

tsp sugar - 19

tsp maple syrup - 35

tea - 30

Thursday (107 days to go) = 1172kcals total *shitty shitty day*

tea w/ pills - 7

4 teas at school - 60

sweets in class - 141

itsu veggie meatless meatballs teriyaki rice’bowl - 578

diet coke - 0

*had super shit breakdown about being hungry so gave in a little*

salt butter - 73

slice of bread - 105

Weetabix - 136

milk - 72

Friday (106 days to go) = 693kcals total

tea w/ pills - 7

sweets w/ friends - 188

4 teas at school - 60

vegetable noodles - 408

tea - 30

glasses of water - 0

exercise: 1hr15mins pacing before bed

I have 113 days.

I always say I work better under timed conditions, now's the fucking time.

There's hilarity to the image:

a body betraying itself, limbs in conflict.

Flesh reaching into flesh to pull out a bowl of cereal.

A gag reflex is a motion of resistance -

You are a traitor, with sticky fingers, swollen lips -

it's ok first-timer this bit gets easier.

Find the spot, there, yes, press it, good.

Where the tongue sinks under a plateau of something hard:

here is your Jerusalem,

your beginning, your return.

Every version of yourself, spanning back to

primary.

Just knickers under a sundress,

white socks.

Squint and it's funny,

(tell me it's funny)

two fingers, knuckle deep,

and you've got it now.

You're making love to another body,