Life goes on

I love that my pinterest is lesbian, my Insta is aroace, my tiktok is freaky, my life is messy and I'm spiritually a slut anyway life is weird lately☠

I'm not special, i don't want to be special, i just want a life that's full of peace, i'm just tired.... and exhausted and stressed out all the time

Two days ago I went on a date with a nice guy who I texted on Insta and it was a fun date but I wanted to be honest so I texted him saying I was ace (because I knew he wouldn't even know about asexuality so I didn't tell him I was on the ARO spectrum too) because I knew sex was very important to him in a Relationship so now we don't talk anymore because he couldn't imagine dating an ace person. I knew this would happen but still wished it wouldn't make such a big difference. I know I'm frustrating, but I want to experience dating. I'm kinda sad because he was such a nice guy. Life is kinda fun i guess.

I feel so wrong being aroace, and I don't know what to do about it. Lately, people around me have been talking about relationships and love, and I just feel so left out and wrong about who I am as aroace. I want to focus on the things I love and my dreams, but when I get bombarded with discussions about love, I start questioning my own sexuality. I hear people saying that I might change my sexuality, and I'm beginning to believe them, which is making my confidence about my identity decline. I have nobody to talk to about this. People also keep asking me if I'm dating someone, and I instantly feel uncomfortable. I can't sleep because of these thoughts lately, and I'm starting to wonder if I might be wrong about my sexuality.

I started watching Mischievous Kiss, it's a typical Japanese drama, but I realized that the male lead is not only damn introverted, but also very aroacespec coded, and I don't know why, but I had that feeling to recognize myself a little in him. I know he's the typical cold hearted male lead, but in the Japanese version of this drama it felt like there was more than just a cold genius and he actually reminded me of Saiki from the anime Saiki K. I loved watching him try to figure out what love is and how to love someone, but sometimes he can be an asshole.Maybe it's just my delulu, but if anyone has watched this drama, what do you think?

I don't know what's going on with me lately because i'm experiencing alot of new things and i can't really tell what that is because that's new kind of feelings like getting shy because of someone like wtf since when i'm getting shy because this person makes me feel like that is that the alcohol or because they're flirty with me 😭 wth i want to cry, what's going on with me. Someone send help to a confused aroace.

There are some people in my life that make me think maybe I'm not aromantic but rather demiromantic or grayromantic because it feels like I can't accurately describe the feelings as either romantic, platonic, or queerplatonic; it's challenging to discern what I truly feel towards them.

I just don't understand people because once they tell me that I'm way too cold hearted/heartless and should show more of my feelings, so I start showing my feelings and they tell me that I'm way too much and too intense , like what you want from me. Every day it became harder to trust people, but I still try to trust another person every day, not because I'm naive, but because I just want to trust. Maybe one day I'll find the right person I can trust. I'm tired so i'm intense again.

If someone ask me what BTS is to me, i would say they're my Soulmates because they Touch my Soul in a way that i felt like i'm back home and this feelings make me cry a lot sometimes. I feel like, i always find a Song from BTS that could always described my feelings even when i never could do. They're music is comforting like a hug After coming back home from a long travel. I don't know how actually it feels like but They showed it to me. I hope it make sense💜.

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling in love with someone or something, but not in an Allo way, but in a way like when I see someone who is very beautiful or very intelligent or very sweet or very kind, or I enjoy the presence of this person and I think Oh my God, this person is great and I want to be friends with them, or expressed in my feelings, I could fall in love, but in an aromantic way. You know what i mean like this strong positiv feeling you feel when you see this person or thing and I call it falling in love. And i though for a long time i could never be Aromantic because of that but i'm a child that has lack of affection in childhood and when i was a child i hadn't had friends and when i got a friend for first time and they was very kind to me, i was so happy that i though that was what people call falling in love in a allo way but it was not.