Lmao

It's always been baffling to me, why I'm loved by everybody but wanted by very few. May be none. And I'm talking strictly platonically. Why is it that I'm not the one invited out in the groups I wanna be at? Why is it that I have to initiate every time? Why is it that I have to have so much to offer just to be considered? I don't get it I simply don't. But I know it's making me feel like the problem, but most of all it's making me feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. The lengths I'll go to for people to simply disregard me. I don't understand. I really don't. Am I just delusional? To think I should have been invited? What am I lacking? Because I doing feel too included. You laugh a little harder when you're with someone else... It doesn't make sense to me. Am I a narcissist?

It's funny the way people brush past you. I've not been home much lately, been crying more than usual, been missing classes, forgetting birthdays, not calling back, showing up late with red eyes and a fat nose... still, nobody really checks on you. Not one person I can go to other than Allah. Everybody is going to grow tired of your sadness, you'll become a burden. Life is better when you're reduced to an idea. They love you better. Surrounded by people who don't know you, don't know when you're sad or how to identify that sadness, don't know much about you really. You're loosing your mind loosing yourself loosing everything and nobody can tell. But whose fault is that if you don't want to let them in?

Bh

I can finally focus on me now, but I miss him? But I said I'd stay celibate and be good at it. I mean Eddie is a good Christian and he's nice to everybody, in a strictly platonic way. But he's possibly gay supporting or theythem how is that super Christian? I miss my guy. It felt real as helll. I wonder if he's missing me as well. I mean he said a lot of stuff to me, so I think he does miss me. And I miss him too. I just want to tell him. That I miss him. I think we'd have a healthy relationship. I wanna ask if he prays, if he's religious as well, if he has worries, if he thought we were better off friends. Because I saw that tiktok, of that guy saying he wish he could tell her he wants to go back to friends without ruining everything. But I mean we are keeping it halal. I don't know how I'll tell my parents. I don't know if he will like what he sees in person. I don't know if I'll like what I see in person.... I don't know. What if I get the ick? What if he smells bad? What if what if what if? But he's so sweet, he's accepting and chill. I know we will be content. What if he doesn't like my cooking? My unreliable nature? What if he gets annoyed with it? What if he's not ambitious enough, what if we're broke? What if he can't give me the lifestyle I lived with my parents? What will I get annoyed with?? I want to hold his hand, I want to give him head after he gives me a smile. I want to be his weakness, I want him to be mine. I want to experiment with him, I want to grow with him, I want to enjoy a day out. I do. I feel like he's my cup of tea. I'll be enjoying my time, the rest of the world will kind of disappear. But how can I tell? How can I tell? What if it's weird what if it's awkward what if his family is different than mine what if they don't like me what if his brother talks about how I talked to him first what if what if what if. What if they think I'm a catfish? But they saw my tiktoks, but what if? What if he's not sexually attracted to my body? My hair? My feet ? Ahhh. What if I grow to resent him? Or him me? Are these just fears? Or are they real?

I can write a thousand words about the sort of soft dorky side that comes out when you get to know tough men. Seeing his childhood pictures, whatever was before the gangster, and seeing that at his core he’s not too different from the child in the picture. Hearing him speak about who he was in school, in plain simple petty gossip terminology. Seeing the human and natural in someone you’ve dehumanized and made intimidating. Seeing the little fears he may have, and the different quirks he reveals with time. Having him complete your hand hearts on FaceTime. Knowing that he loves you softly, even if he might seem cruel to the rest of the world, they don’t know him like you do.

I looked at an old video of myself... i didn’t feel like it was me, I felt like it was my baby sister who had passed away. My cheekbones are more pronounced, my eyes are bigger, brows neater and slimmer, my smile was brighter... my skin was clear and my face was slimmer now. But she... her soul was prettier than mine. I could feel it. She didn’t care how her hijab sat on her head as long as her head stored thoughts. She didn’t care how thick her eyebrows were as long as they expressed emotions. And now I want her back. Her heart was present, she wasn’t numb, she was disciplined, animated. But now the online world has consumed me, everyday is an opportunity to curate a fake life. And it feels urgent. Like if I didn’t do it, I’d loose connections with important people. When in reality these people are not important at all. In fact they have never seen me vulnerable. If they met the younger me, they wouldn’t look at her twice, not give her a chance, probably bully her.

Maturity is knowing what u want ultimately and putting that over what you may want to currently

Sometimes you’re gonna be the rawest truest version of yourself and some ppl aren’t gonna like it. But so tf what? U don’t even like everybody!

Sometimes it feels like nobody is smart enough to get what I feel

I hate it when my jokes don’t land cause I’m around the wrong audience. Cause to me it’s personal. It’s as though someone pulled up a mirror on me and suddenly, all I see is , C L O W N. And I really start to generalize that as reality and I’ll begin to characterize every moment a joke of mine landed as an illusion, or pure luck. And it feels AWFUL. Like stomach turning my awful.