Lovely

Dear him,

i forgive you.

Maybe your life has been just as rough, maybe you caused yourself just as much suffering, 
Maybe you toss and turn at night, 
Maybe you wind up on all fours begging for self forgiveness. 
Maybe my forgiveness is not needed and the hurt you caused me did not effect your life in any way. 
Maybe you don’t think about it. 
Maybe you don’t have enough of a conscience to care.

I will never forget.

I remember how much it hurt, how heavy you felt on top of me, how your hands felt like 600 pounds each. I remember I could not get free. That smirk of yours that formed in the corner of your mouth when you muttered the worlds “good girl” “this is our little secret” keeps me awake at night and living in my own home has become a terror. 
I remember begging you to stop.

I have to believe.

Your kind is few, not all men are rapists. 
But when i am alone in the grocery store aisle or waiting my turn to use the ATM & a man is near.. I can’t breathe, I’m screaming. I flinch when the ones I love press their skin on mine because you once also spoke the words “I love you, I’d never hurt you”

What memory do you carry?

Do you feel shame? Are my wrists locked in your grip when you’re alone in your house? Do you think of me everyday? 
HOW COULD YOU CARRY THE WEIGHT OF INFLICTING THIS MUCH PAIN & AGONY ON AN INNOCENT BEING.

I don’t know what hurts more

The burning sensation I felt between my thighs or the fear and pain I feel every time I’m touched.

As I write this, anxiety fills my entire being. My hand can barely grip the pen and my tears are fogging my vision

but

I am no longer your rag doll because you may have stripped me of my innocence but you left me with strength bigger than the pain you caused me.