suffering

My friend told me they have a crush on me and I got scared and angry & wanted to run away. Now I'm realizing that I've had multiple experiences with someone expressing one-sided feelings towards me and my boundaries being broken (including SA) and that's what scared me.

the random suicide attempt i walked into starts replaying in my head when i try to sleep and i can't make it stop. my body reacts to it, i get a bad feeling in my stomach and my heart starts pounding and it's hard to calm down from that. i just feel like she's falling any moment even though it was 3 weeks ago and i'm not there right now. why can't my body accept that it's over? i didn't stay there watching after the police came but i do think she was succesfully rescued. i kind of wish i did but also i started shaking like crazy after the cops got a grip of her and the situation was off my hands. i don't know for sure if she's alive since there was also an overdose. but she likely is.

I feel like I have developed this kind of obsessive disgust for the guy who tried to hit on me and touched me inappopriately because of my previous traumas. I don't like it at all.

I can't sleep and I started thinking about the dude who sa'd me multiple times when I was underage and got away with it.

I stopped a suicide attempt 24h ago.