ayMeiMei

I never imagined you would find this corner of the internet where I poured my heart out. I had completely forgotten about it. I’m so sorry you read those thoughts that consumed me back then.

I fully believed I had grown until you reminded me of this place. Reading about the girl with her heart on her sleeve made me realize she never actually learned her lesson. She just learned to hide herself away. Maybe she’s in that little cube of existence she made for us.

I also thought I’d never see you again. Our talks have been healing for me so far, but there are some things I can only say here. So if you are reading, please proceed with caution.

I’m hoping you’re reading this after I’ve left town because I want you to know:

I cherish the time I spend with myself, for myself, by myself. Draw a bath, read a book, watch something entertaining -

but the self-care is just a bandaid over the rift in ny heart.

I fear solitude. Quiet, empty, cold solitude.

Nothing but my own thoughts to consume me and degrade me.

How can I so badly wish for distance and solitude when that is the very thing that terrifies me?

In this cube, we could be together without the titles of being together. We could indulge in our desires to be with one another without the pressure of expectations. We could heal each other. We could cry together. We could grow together.

In this cube, I forgave you for many things. I told myself that everything would be okay in this cube. I thought that in this cube, you would tell me the words I wanted to hear most without being under the influence. In this cube, I thought I could bring you happiness even if you said you can’t feel emotion. In this cube, I thought we made each other whole.

In this cube, I thought we were normal, for once. I thought we could be simple, and free, and happy. But I was wrong. In this cube, I feel neglected and I feel lonely. In this cube, you feel smothered and guilty. In this cube, you feel like you don’t deserve me. In this cube, I make you relive your guilt every day.

I can’t force down food.

I tell myself to at least drink water, but I don’t have the will.

I’ve dug my nails into my skin and torn pieces away.

I’m right back where I was two years ago.

Why can’t I just forget it all and be better?

Why did you have to cut me this deep and leave this nasty scar?

I’m so scared of abandonment and of infidelity.

I trust my person so much, I trust them with everything.

But I can’t go one day without thinking of the pain from my past.

I want to be better, I want to overcome the negative thoughts in my head.