Awkward Fanfiction

Dan was always scrawny for his size. His ribs showed when he stretched up and if you were to lay your hands on his hips you would be able to feel the points of his pelvis, but Phil loved him no matter what. He loved the way his ebony tail moved gracefully when he was relaxed, the way his left ear twitched the slightest bit when he became excited. He loved the way Dan’s smile glowed, but nothing about his appearance really mattered to him, because above all else, Phil was in love with Dan.

It came as a shock one day, when Dan was looking in the mirror while getting dressed and ready and could no longer see his ribs when he reached up to put his shirt over his head. Even more of a surprise, his jeans were more snug than usual he noted as he struggled to pull them up over his thighs, shaking out his tail in relief once they were finally buttoned lowly around his hips. He brushed it off in his head as having run the dryer too hot when he did laundry a day or so prior, and rushed downstairs to begin the day.

It was that afternoon when Phil noticed Dan walking more stiffly than usual, but said nothing.

A few weeks later, Dan could no longer get the same pair of jeans on his body, and quietly folded them away, borrowing a pair of Phil’s that were larger. He attempted to pull on a button up shirt that was one of his favorites, but sulked when alas he couldn’t button it. He pulled on a t-shirt that used to be baggy, but was now slim fitting, and hoped that nobody would notice the difference, but Phil did. He noticed immediately when Dan slinked into the living room and curled up on the couch, seeming once again more stiff than normal.

“I think you’re beautiful no matter what you look like,” he said casually as he took a sip of his ginger tea.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dan replied cooly, grooming himself as Phil looked at him knowingly.

“I know you haven’t been fitting into your clothes lately, and I wanted you to know I love you no matter what you look like.” Dan blushed a little bit. “As a matter of fact, I think it suits you. You look good filled out a little more.”

The two were standing now, facing each other. “But how could you be attracted to something like this?” Dan asked as he grabbed at the layer of fat around his midsection.

Phil was in his bedroom, quietly scrolling through tumblr on his laptop, when he heard a noise coming from Dan’s room that he could’ve sworn was a moan. He brushed it off and continued scrolling, but then he heard it again, and again, and again, each time getting louder. Phil tried to ignore it as best he could, and he was doing pretty decently at it, until he heard it again, but this time it wasn’t just a moan. It was very clear that he had just heard his best friend moan his name loudly from the other room.

He simply couldn’t take it anymore. Phil closed his laptop and put it down on the bed and stood up, taking a minute because he stood up far too quickly. He left his room and walked over to Dan’s, hesitating for a minute before putting his hand on the handle and opening the door. “Well look what we have here,” Phil tutted as he walked in, finding exactly what he thought and hoped to find. Dan was spread out naked on his bed, one hand gripping the headboard and the other wrapped firmly around his cock, frozen mid-stroke in surprise at the sudden intrusion. “You’ve been very naughty, Dan, very naughty indeed.” Dan tried to stutter out a response but was lost for words, he’d never seen this look in his friend’s eyes and it filled him equally with fear, love, and lust. “Ah- no sound, my dear, seems you’ve been quite loud enough for at least a few hours. Surely you don’t need to say any more?” His tone of voice was dark and lustful, taking complete control with ease. Dan couldn’t tell if he’d made the best or worst mistake of his life when he said Phil’s name, but right now he didn’t care.

“I will allow you to speak, but only when spoken to. You will only be allowed to say ‘Yes, Daddy,’ ‘No, Daddy,’ ‘Please, Daddy,’ and ‘Thank you, Daddy.’ Is that clear?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Dan said. He was obedient in tone, but inside he was full of excitement at what was happening.

“Good. Now stand up and come to me. Your safe word is ‘subscribe’.” Phil had moved closer to Dan since he’d walked into the room, and the latter was now standing right in front of him, almost chest-to-chest. “Very good,” Phil said somberly, gingerly putting his first two fingers underneath Dan’s chin, gently tilting his head up so their eyes met. They stood like that for a silent moment, before the elder of the two said abruptly, “On your knees, hands behind your back.”

Dan quickly followed his orders, and once on his knees he looked innocently up at Phil in anticipation of his next command. “Such a good boy for Daddy, aren’t you? Tell me, do good boys like to suck cock?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Dan said quietly.

“What was that? I didn’t hear you,” Phil replied in a mock-condescending tone.

“Yes, Daddy, good boys love to suck cock.” This time Dan batted his eyes in accompaniment with his response.

“Well then, what are you waiting for?” Dan eagerly began to undo Phil’s jeans before reaching into his boxers and pulling out his gorgeous dick. His eyes widened at the length, estimating it at around six or seven inches, and timidly sucked the tip into his mouth. He kept one hand at the base, working it around while using it to steady himself, and placed his free hand on Phil’s thigh. “Mm, so good for Daddy, aren’t you. So pretty, so talented,” Phil said lowly as he tangled his fingers in Dan’s hair. Dan went deeper and deeper, moving his hand from the base and wrapping it behind Phil’s back as leverage to help him go deeper. He felt Phil’s cock hit the back of his throat and gagged the tiniest bit, but continued to suck more and more into his mouth until there was no more to take. Phil threw his head back in pleasure and tangled his fingers tighter into Dan’s hair. “Such a little slut for Daddy, aren’t you. You look so pretty with my cock down your throat, so, so pretty for Daddy.” Dan started moving his head up and down again, but was stopped a short period later.

“On the bed, baby, lay on your back and spread your legs,” Phil said caringly, but still with lust heavily in his voice. He opened the top drawer of Dan’s nightstand and found exactly what he was looking for, lube and condoms. He spread some lube on his fingers, slowly and carefully pressing one into Dan’s ass. Dan moaned softly as he felt the new presence, and gasped when Phil added a second finger and began to scissor and thrust them. He changed depths and speeds, smirking every time he heard Dan gasp as he hit his prostate. After a little while, Phil pulled his fingers out, making Dan whimper at the loss, and wiped them on his clothes, before stripping completely and rolling the condom on himself. “Are you ready?” He asked softly as he lined himself up, resting the tip of his cock against Dan’s stretched hole.

“Yes, Daddy,” he said needily, willing Phil to just hurry up and start fucking him. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck as he slid in, groaning breathily as he began to adjust to the size. He tightened his arms around his neck as a cue to start moving, and Phil started almost immediately. He sped up quickly and started going harder and harder, loving how vocal it made his friend. “Yes, Daddy, right there, Daddy,” Dan squealed when Phil hit his prostate spot on. Phil kept hitting it and Dan kept getting louder. By the time Dan screamed, “Ugh, Daddy! I’m so close!” Phil was sure the neighbors could hear them.

“I’m close too baby, you’re doing so good for me, so good for Daddy,” Phil moaned, one hand moving to wrap around Dan’s throbbing dick, stroking it in time with his thrusts as they sped up and became more sporadic as he reached his climax. It wasn’t long before they came at the same time, Dan spilling all over their chests and Phil filling up the condom. He rode out their highs and pulled out, moving to lay on the bed beside Dan. “I love you, Dan, we should do this more often,” Phil said sweetly, moving in to kiss Dan softly.

Once he was in the station he swiped his card and stepped onto the platform, before going to look at a sign with train times listed. Thankfully the one he needed was the one that would be arriving next. It came to a halt and people started to flood off, and then a few minutes later, Phil stepped in with the small, but still sizable group boarding. He found a place to sit down, the train wasn’t too full, and got comfortable for the two hour ride ahead.

“Phil I can’t believe you! You’re such an idiot!” Dan yelled. “You lied to me Phil, you fucking lied to me. The first person I thought would never do that, the first person in my entire life, and you just…” He was starting to break down into tears.

Phil’s first reaction was to wrap his arms around his boyfriend. “Dan, I can explain this, I-”

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Dan cried, standing up and looking Phil in the eye. “I think it’s best you leave for now.”

Phil looked guilty as he lumbered to their room to get a bag of essentials. A few sets of clothes, toiletries, etc. He threw everything and his laptop into his backpack and slowly walked back downstairs. As he walked past the living room, Dan was still standing there half in shock, and the look on his face was flooded with pure, unadulterated hurt. “I’m so sorry, Dan. I love you,” he said gently as he walked past, only stopping long enough for that, wanting Dan to know that he really, truly meant it.

He went downstairs and out the door, shuddering as he felt a cold gust of air hit him as he closed and locked the door behind him. As he shoved his keys back into his pocket, he realized he had nowhere to go. With a deep sigh, he picked a direction and walked in it, hoping that somehow he’d come across someone. Phil walked and walked for about 45 minutes before it started to get cloudy and dark. Great, he thought bitterly. It’s gonna rain. Can this day just get any better? He spotted an underground station and went down the stairs, deciding that he should go to PJ’s house and try to figure something out.

When the train arrived at the station, Phil was one of the last off. He walked up the stairs and onto the street, taking a minute to orient himself before walking off in the direction of PJ’s flat. It was cold and drizzly, but he toughed it and kept walking, not even stopping to dig the jacket out of his bag.

Phil knocked when he finally showed up on his friend’s doorstep soaking wet and cold, and heard a distant, “Coming!” through the thin door. “Phil, what the hell are you doing out like that in the rain? Come in this instant, you look half destroyed.” PJ beckoned the dripping, blue lipped Phil into his living room. “Go take a hot shower, I’ll bring some dry clothes in to you in a moment.” He took Phil’s bag and put it on the couch before speeding off towards his room to get a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt for his friend.

The older of the two walked off towards the washroom and closed the door behind him, turning the water on as hot as he could get it and stripping his clothes off. He stepped into the water and sighed as the warmth eased his muscles. He just stood for a while, letting the water run over him. “Just me, I’m leaving a change of clothes on the counter here. I’m gonna make us a pot of tea, we can chat in the living room when you’re ready.” Phil heard the door click shut and he was once again alone. He sighed heavily, breathing in the steam in an attempt to clear his head. A few minutes later he turned off the water and stepped out, drying himself off with one of PJ’s plush bath towels. He slipped into the outfit his friend had brought him after putting the towel back on the rack to dry, and left the steamy bathroom.

“Come sit down, Phil, what happened?” PJ asked when he saw Phil. He patted the spot next to him on the couch and poured the man a cup of tea.

“I just-- I made a mistake Peej. So you know that video I’ve been working on? The one I was planning to give Dan later?” PJ nodded. “So, obviously I’ve been going behind his back to film it, and a few of my other friends has been helping me with it because that’s how the video is, it’s a compilation of all these other videos of our friends talking, yeah? Well, Dan found out that I’ve been going out behind his back, and now he thinks I was cheating on him and we got in this whole big fight, and he told me that it would be best that I leave for now.” Phil barely got the last of the words out of his mouth before he broke down sobbing. He felt so, so guilty.

“Shh, shh, shh, Phil,” PJ said, rubbing his friend’s back. “You’re gonna be okay Phil, I promise. How close are you to done with the video?”

“I just have to finish editing it, so maybe a few hours?” Phil was able to manage squeaking out.

“So I’m gonna tell you what’s gonna happen. You are so much more than welcome to stay here for now, I’ll go get the guest room together for you in a bit, but you are gonna finish editing that video together, and then you’re gonna go to dan, and explain to him why you were doing what you were doing, and you’re gonna show him the video, and I’m more than certain you’ll be back together like that. Yeah?”

Phil sniffled a bit and wiped his eyes. “Thank you, PJ,” he said.

“Of course, Phil. Now you get your computer out and get to editing, and I’ll go make up the guest room for you.” Phil smiled weakly and his friend returned it brightly.

A few days later, PJ called Dan to let him know what’s going on. “Hey buddy, Phil’s on his way home right now, I think you need to have a conversation about what happened and give him a chance to explain himself.” The two talked for a little while before PJ was able to convince Dan to hear Phil out, and just in time for Dan to hear him knock at the door.

He answered the door to see Phil standing there, laptop in hand. “Come on in,” Dan said, leading the other man up to the living room. “So PJ said I should let you explain yourself, go for it,” he spoke again once they were sitting down.

“So, I’m gonna start by apologizing,” Phil said. “It was so, so wrong of me to be sneaking out behind your back like that and I regret it to the fullest extent. You see, though, I wasn’t doing it for the reason you thought I was. I was going out to see our friends because I was filming a video for you that was supposed to be a surprise.” Phil stopped talking and opened his laptop, setting it up on the coffee table in front of them.

The video started playing, beginning with a shot of just Phil sitting in the bedroom talking like in his vlogs. “Hey Dan! I’ve got something I want to ask you, but I have no idea how honestly, so while I try and figure something out I’m gonna let our friends and family say a few words.”

The video cut to Louise sitting with Darcy on her lap. “I think Dan and Phil are absolutely the perfect couple because they’re always there for eachother. No matter what the circumstances, even if it’s the worst thing in the world, they’re always together and they make each other stronger.”

Next it was Tyler sitting in his living room. “Dan and Phil are 100% relationship goals honestly. You can just tell by the way they look at each other that they’re so insanely in love and nothing’s gonna change about that. And even when they’re alone it’s always ‘Dan this’ or ‘Phil that’ and it’s absolutely freaking adorable.”

The video continued on with more and more clips of their friends saying things of the same regard, until finally it was just Phil again. “Hey Dan, it’s me again,” it started. “I still don’t know how to say it, so I’m just gonna ramble for a bit. You are absolutely the man of my dreams, there’s no question about that. You’re kind, and funny, and smart, not to mention you’re absolutely gorgeous. You’re everything I could ever ask for and then some. I know I’m not perfect, but somehow you manage to love me anyways, and that makes me the happiest man there is. My mum always taught me to snatch up the best opportunities when they come around, and I really don’t wanna lose the opportunity I see in you. I think I figured out how to ask what I wanted to ask you.”

The screen cut to Louise again and she said one word: “Will,” then Tyler, “You,” then PJ, “Marry,” and then finally, once again it was Phil, “Me?” By now, he was down on one knee with a ring box out.

Dan shrieked as Phil threw a handful of flour in his face, then retaliated by walking over and pouring about a cup of cooking oil over his hair. Phil wore a look of mock astonishment at the younger’s brashness. “You did not just-” he said.

“I did.” Dan said with a cocky tone. He walked over to Phil and put his hands on his waist. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s neck and leant up to kiss him.

“I hope you know how much I love you,” Phil said, before Dan felt a wet crack against the back of his head, as Phil broke an egg into his hair.

They’d been out to their fans for a little less than a week now, and Dan was doing his weekly live show, answering a scattering of questions that he felt comfortable answering. “Er, if you’re talking officially, since just before we moved in together. But personally, I feel like we’ve been together our whole lives,” he responded to a question asking how long they’d been together.

A couple of questions later, Phil popped in to ask if Dan wanted him to go get dinner, but ended up getting distracted and staying. Dan sat in his lap and held his hands, and they answered questions together. One asked if the fans would be able to expect a wedding announcement soon. “We haven’t really talked about it all that much, so I wouldn’t exactly say soon, but eventually, yeah,” Dan said as Phil pressed sweet kisses into his neck and shoulders, grinning that he could do this whenever he wanted now.

“I love you so much,” Phil muttered, just quiet enough that the laptop microphone didn’t pick it up, but everyone could read his lips.

Dan danced around the house, singing that awful song That’s How You Know from Enchanted. “How do I know, he loves me? How do I know, he’s mine?” Phil sighed with a grin on his face, sitting on the couch with his laptop as Dan sang. “Does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind? Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey?”

Phil made small interjections with every line, checking off to himself what he does do. “Does he take you out dancing just so he can hold you close? Dedicate a song with words meant just for you?” Finally, Phil stood up when he heard Dan spinning around the kitchen and walked to him.

He held his hand out to the near giddy man, who twirled in and clasped their other hands together, revelling in being close like this. “Have I told you today how in love I am with you?” Phil asked as he kissed Dan sweetly and chastely, spinning him around so they were facing each other.

Dan and Phil sat curled up on the sofa together, watching some mindless romcom on TV, when a commercial came on, advertising “rings for that special someone.” Phil looked down at his boyfriend, who’d made himself very comfortable in his lap, and felt where the ring box had sat in his pocket for months now, waiting for when Phil finally worked up the courage to ask that simple question. He sighed deeply and pressed a kiss to the top of Dan’s head, giving him a squeeze around the waist where Phil’s arms were holding him. The commercial switched and was now talking about some flower shop downtown, and Phil said to himself that there was no time like now. “Hey, Dan, can I ask you a question?” Dan shifted around so that he was facing Phil, a spark of curiosity in his eyes.

“I don’t really know how to ask this, and I fully understand if the answer is no, but, um, I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I don’t even want to.” Phil dug the ring box out of his jeans pocket. “I was wondering if, maybe, you would marry me?”

Dan’s smile tripled in size, his dimple showing prominently, as he nodded slowly. “That would make me the happiest man in the world,” he said, lifting a weight off of Phil’s shoulders and making him smile as well.

“You have no idea how much I love you,” Phil whispered as he pulled Dan in close for a hug.

The CD played as Dan walked down the aisle to stand in front of Phil, who was smiling more brightly than he ever had before. Despite the room completely full of their friends and family, it felt like it was just the two of them, standing together.

“I, Daniel James Howell, take you, Philip Michael Lester, as my husband, to have and hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for rich or poor, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.” Dan repeated after the officiant.

“I, Philip Michael Lester, take you, Daniel James Howell, as my loving husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, worse, rich and poor, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.” He squeezed Dan’s hands as he repeated what he was supposed to be saying, feeling almost light headed in love.

The happy couple exchanged rings and said the vows they each wrote on their own. “I am now happy to announce you as Mr.’s Dan and Phil Lester. You may now kiss your groom.”

“And with that,” announced the officiant, “I pronounce you Mr.’s Dan and Phil Lester-Howell. You may kiss your husband.” Dan put his hands on Phil’s waist, and Phil’s found their way around Dan’s neck, and their lips collided in a chaste kiss, full of love, as their friends and family cheered for them. Finally, they were married. After a lifetime of waiting, they were finally eternal.

Phil stood at the gazebo, smiling as he waited. The wedding wasn’t all that huge, just some close friends and family, but it was perfect to him. He didn’t care if anyone had shown up, he was just so happy to be finally marrying his soulmate.

Finally, the flautist changed pieces and everyone stood. Phil breathed deeply, straightened his coat and brushed it down a bit, just as Dan rounded the corner. His smile increased tenfold, and his hands flew to cover his mouth as he gasped, tears of happiness pooling up in his eyes. Dan was so perfect in every way, and he was all Phil’s now.

Dan joined Phil in front of their friends and family and clasped their hands together. “I love you,” he whispered, near inaudibly, and Phil mouthed the same words back as the officiant began speaking.

“We are here on this magnificent and beautiful day to celebrate one of life’s greatest moments — we are all present to give recognition to the worth and beauty of love — and to publicly witness the creation of an outward marriage bond that Dan and Phil have already been creating inwardly. Their love and intention has created this marriage and we are gathered here today to join in the celebration and acknowledgment of that bonding. Now, I believe they’ve written their own vows.”

The officiant stood back a half step, and Phil smiled and nodded at him. “Daniel James Howell. My beautiful, lovely Dan. You are the reason for my being, my sunrise in the morning, and my moonrise at night. While I was writing this, I discovered a poem written by Mark Twain.

‘I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;

I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;

I cannot promise you an easy pathway

That leads away from change or growing old.

But I can promise my heart’s devotion;

A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow.

A love that’s true and ever growing

A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.’

When I read this poem, I thought it was absolutely perfect to describe how I feel about you. I can’t promise everything in the world, as much as I’d like to, but I can promise to love you forever, and to care for you, and to be the best husband I can be, because damn it, I’m in love with you, and there’s nothing I won’t do every minute of every day to prove it.”

It was the worst day of his life. Somehow his sexuality had gotten out, he had no idea how. No idea. Maybe he’d forgotten to private a post, maybe he’d sent a text to the wrong person. It didn’t matter how it happened, but it did. And that wasn’t even what bothered him, it was the fact that it’d gotten out who he was with. It wasn’t that he didn’t want it out there, he wanted to shout it to the world. It’s the reaction he was getting, from both facts. “Hey, faggot,” someone shouted at him as he walked through the halls back to his dorm.

“Yo! Lady-man!” someone else said. Dan pulled his hood up and watched the ground go by as he walked. He felt his back hit a wall and there were hands on his shoulders. He struggled as he tried to break free. The man holding him against the wall was just too strong. “I’m talkin’ to you,” he said. Then the man got really close to Dan, so that the weaker of the two could hear every breath of the other. “He’ll never fuckin’ love you, no one will. Nah man, you’re just a faggot.” He shoved Dan to the ground and walked away, leaving him there in a pile. Dan was so ready to just stay there, to not even try to get up.

He had to go, though. If he could just get back to his room he could call Phil and everything would be okay. It would, wouldn’t it? But what if that man was right? What if Phil didn’t love Dan? What if it was all just a projection, Dan’s own hopes and wishes forced upon Phil, and he played along out of what, out of pity? Sorrow? Dan didn’t know. All he knew was that if he could just get back to his room, those last 20 meters, he could at least hide from the world. He wouldn’t have to endure this torture. He could lock the door and curl up under the covers and just sleep. Sleep until it passed.

Dan made it back to his dorm room and collapsed on the bed in a heap, chucking his bookbag to the side as he walked in. Come over if convenient, he texted Phil. It was pure impulse, he didn’t even realize he was doing it.

What’s wrong, love? Is everything okay? I’m on my way right now, Phil replied, not a moment later. Dan buried his face into his pillow and cried. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually, truly cried, but he was now. He knew it’d dehydrate him, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to exist right now.

He stayed that way for a good ten or fifteen minutes, until there was a soft knock and the door opened. “Go away,” Dan screeched. His voice was hoarse and scratchy, his face still hidden too much by the pillow to see.

“Dan, it’s okay, it’s me, Phil,” he sat down on the edge of the bed next to Dan and rubbed circles on his back. Dan shifted positions to see who it was. His face was paler than Phil had ever seen it before, and his skin was blotchy. Phil felt a spear of pain shoot through him at the sight. The younger boy hesitantly laid his head in Phil’s lap. “Do you want to talk about it?” Dan shook his head no. Phil maneuvered the two of them so that they were lying, facing each other, with Dan nestling his face deep into Phil’s chest and Phil holding the man, who looked vulnerable, almost childlike in this state. “Everything’s gonna be okay, love. I’m right here.” Phil muttered quietly. “I love you so, so much.” He felt Dan tense against him at the latter statement. He ran his hand up and down the younger’s arm soothingly in response, deciding that silence was probably the best thing for now.

They stayed there all night, just like that. Phil could feel his shirt soaking through with tears, but he just stayed. A steady rock for Dan as he dealt with whatever he was going through. Finally, around two or three in the morning, Dan’s breathing evened out as he fell asleep. “Goodnight, my love, my life,” Phil whispered with a kiss to Dan’s hair. “Sweet dreams.” Soon, he followed in his own deep sleep.

The next morning, thankfully a saturday that did not contain classes for Dan, the two woke up together around noon. “Good morning, handsome,” Phil grinned when he saw Dan was awake.

“You stayed,” Dan seemed surprised at the apparentness that Phil hadn’t left at some time during the night.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? I was so worried about you.” Dan looked like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You’re still worrying me. What’s wrong?”

There were no words Dan could think of to communicate what’d happened. “I-I, I don’t know.” Dan stuttered. “Somehow it got out, us, me being gay, all of it. I don’t know how, or who, or whatever. But it did. And yesterday when I was walking home from class, they were shouting at me, people, were shouting at me. I-I can’t even repeat it; and then this one guy, I have no idea who he was, he slammed me against a wall.” Dan began to fall apart. “He told me no one’d ever love me. Ess-sspecially not, y-you.” Dan completely broke down and Phil just held him.

Dan and Phil were loading groceries onto the checkout line at Tescos. “How are you?” Dan asked the cashier, a woman who looked to be in her early twenties, trying to be friendly.

“Pretty good, thanks for asking. You’re not too bad yourself, I must say.” Dan blushed as Phil put the last few items on the line. “That’ll be £31.76.” Dan pulled out his card and slid it through the machine to pay for their groceries. The cashier yanked their receipt off the printer and scribbled something at the bottom, before handing it to the tall man and motioning for him to call her. Phil wished her a nice day, as Dan picked up the three bags and looked to check Phil was walking with him.

When the couple reached the flat, Phil stormed directly up to their bedroom and locked the door behind him. “Phil, are you okay?” Dan shouted after him, before setting the groceries down on the kitchen counter before going after him. “Phil, baby? What’s wrong?” Silence.

Dan tried the door handle, only to find it was locked. “You always do this,” Phil said. “Every time someone flirts with you, you never stop them. It doesn’t matter as much when it’s someone older than us, but when it’s someone who’s obviously closer to your age, and someone who looks better than I do, or any of that, you know how it makes me feel? Do you know what it feels like to feel like any second when you’re out that the person you love may decide they want someone more like them? I just, I don’t know anymore. I just need some time to think.”

“Phil, I’m sorry,” Dan said. “How could you ever think I’d rather be with someone besides you? You’re my one and only, Phil. I love you.” No response. Dan knocked his head against the door and left it there. “Phil, I was stupid. Please let me in, we can work this out. I didn’t even realize what I was doing. Baby, I love you, and only you.” Nothing. Dan turned and slid his back down the door, sitting so he was leaned against it. He cradled his face in his hands, muttering to himself about what an idiot he was. How could he have been so stupid? He should have noticed how much it hurt Phil and said something about it. He should have done something, but he didn’t, and now he might lose the love of his life because of a stupid mistake.

Then, because he could think of nothing else, he started singing, just loudly enough that Phil would be able to hear him. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, Dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.” He kept repeating that verse over and over again, until he heard the door unlock. He stood up and tentatively opened the door. “I’m so, so sorry baby. I’ll never let this happen again. I don’t even wanna know what it’d do to me if I lost you, Phil.”

“I forgive you, Dan. I’m sorry, I should know better, it’s just scary, you know?” Phil replied.

“Hello, internet. For those of you who are new to my channel, my name is Dan Lester, and I run this odd internet support group… Thing…” He waved, the black gold ring sitting proudly on his finger, and carried on with his video. “I’m sorry I’ve been missing in action from the internet lately, I was on vacation in the US and didn’t even think to post.” The video ended up being a rant about airport customs in different countries, and why couldn’t they all be the same. It really was interesting, he thought, although he may have already made a similar video some time ago.

About a half an hour of filming later, Dan signed off and shut off the camera, vowing to himself that he’d edit it later. “Phil, did you have something planned for dinner?” he called out through the house, standing and going to look for his husband. He found him in the kitchen, stirring at a pot of what smelled like pasta sauce. “Oh, you know how to get right to my heart,” Dan said with a smirk. Phil swivelled around and smiled.

“I thought we already knew that, Mr. Lester,” Phil said, turning back to what he was making.

“Well obviously, Mr. Lester.” Dan smiled and strode over to sit on the counter next to the stove. He loved being called Mr. Lester, or any variant there upon. It reminded him that he belonged to Phil, and that they truly were inseparable. “So, what’s for dinner?”

“Well,” said Phil. “It was supposed to be a surprise, but I’m making you penne with that vodka sauce that you like.” Dan lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” Dan asked, leaning over to kiss his husband’s cheek.

“You tell me like, every five seconds, dear,” Phil said with a grin. “Now go set the table, if you will. This is almost ready.” Dan hopped off the counter to grab what was needed, and scurried to set the table.

A couple of days later, Dan finally got around to posting the video. Seconds after it was posted, his twitter was blowing up, much more and much faster than usual, so he decided to scroll through a couple of the tweets. “Dan Lester?!” Said one. “OMG LOOK AT THE RING!” Another girl tweeted. Confused, Dan went to rewatch the video.

“Hello, internet. For those of you who are new to my channel, my name is Dan Lester,” he greeted from the screen. Dammit, he thought. His first instinct was to immediately private it, then he went to talk to Phil.

“Phil, love, I may have made a mistake,” he says sheepishly, standing in the doorway to the lounge where Phil was watching some news broadcast on TV.

“What’s up?” Phil patted the couch next to him, beckoning Dan to sit down.

“So, you know how I just posted a new video, yeah?” Phil nodded in response. “Well, in the intro, I may have accidentally indirectly announced we were married.” Dan looked away from Phil’s gaze, embarrassed.

Dan stood in the mirror hung inside his closet door. His shirt was flung over the door, his seemingly ever-present smile gone, replaced with a look of utter disgust. The man’s eyes were trained at the reflection of his hips, poking and prodding at the skin overhanging the waistband of his skinny jeans. He had a visible hatred for the clusters of purple stretch marks there, running his hands unhappily over the raised and dipped areas they left. Dan sucked in his stomach and stood up straight, but it did nothing to hide the small excess of skin.

“Dan, love, do you know where my mobile went?” Phil came into the room, not expecting to see what he did. As Dan scrambled to put his shirt back on, Phil felt his heart shatter. “Honey, are you okay?” Phil dropped what he was holding and went to his boyfriend. “Why- what’s wrong?” He put his hands on Dan’s waist.

“Nothing’s wrong, Phil. Don’t worry.” Dan couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Daniel, what were you doing?” Phil asked, worried. “If you don’t want to talk about it right now, that’s fine, but we will talk about it soon.” Dan didn’t speak, he just leant his head into his boyfriend’s shoulder and cried. The elder of the two ushered them so they could sit on the edge of the bed, and pulled Dan into his lap. They stayed like that, Phil holding Dan and Dan crying into Phil’s shoulder, for nearing a half hour.

Once Dan had calmed down completely, Phil tried again. “Hon, what were you doing?”

“I was looking in the mirror,” Dan said, sarcasm thick in his voice.

“You know what I mean, Dan. I know that look in your eyes, and I wanna know why it was there.”

“Phil, do you see these?” Dan stood and hiked up his shirt violently, exposing the purple marks. “Do you see these? Do you know how fat and ugly they make me feel?” Dan wasn’t angry, not really. It was his self consciousness that was getting the best of him, he wasn’t angry at Phil. Never, he could never be mad at Phil.

But still, Phil’s world came crashing down around him. He couldn’t believe that Dan, his Dan, could ever think he was less than perfect. “Daniel James, you listen to me,” Phil started. He was usually all bunnies and roses, but when someone or something was hurting someone he loved, all hell broke loose. “You are the most amazing, most beautiful, most perfect person I’ve ever known. Okay? These stretch marks, or your freckles, or a scar or whatever, that’s what makes you you, baby. You’re so beautiful to me, and I love you so much, and I just want you to see yourself the way I see you, because then this wouldn’t be an issue. I know your thoughts about your dimples, but your gorgeous smile just wouldn’t be the same without them. I know you hate all these little things about yourself, but they show that you’ve lived. They show what you’ve gone through. They show that you’re you, Dan. My wonderful, gorgeous, perfect boyfriend.”

Dan was finally able to get back to his hotel room around midnight after his cousin’s wedding. He wouldn’t have gone had it been his option, he barely even knew his cousin, but it was just one of those family obligations that if you miss it, you’ll hear stray whispers behind your back for the next six reunions. That, and his mother said that if he would go, she’d pay for his Netflix for a year. That, he had to admit, was a bribe even he couldn’t stand up.

Anyways, Dan returned to his hotel room and immediately changed from his suit into his pajamas and crawled into bed with his phone. He opened Tumblr, and began mindlessly scrolling, before he found himself reading through a trigger post that was left untagged. The mobile was thrown down on the bed as Dan stood up pacing his way through an existential crisis, that he could feel rapidly evolving into a panic attack. The YouTuber paced and paced, until he was too lost to see, and collapsed to the floor, knees hugged to his chest. Everyone I love will die, he thought. What am I doing with my life? Why was I born? No one likes me, I’m such an idiot. These thoughts dragged their way through his mind, leaving gouges in his soul. The thoughts snowballed, getting worse and worse. Nobody cares about me. I give up, I’m worthless. Every second, getting closer and closer to the edge. Eventually, around three or four in the morning, he fell asleep, back leaned up against the side of the mattress, skin whiter than snow with exhaustion.

The next morning, back in London, Phil got ready for a long day of meetings. He tucked his denim-colored shirt into his dark khakis and straightened his bowtie. He slung his briefcase over his shoulder as he walked out the door, on his way to the BBC.

Late that evening, around seven or eight, he arrived back home and dropped his briefcase at the door, then walked to the couch and sat down. He buried his face in his hands and began crying. It had been a long, stressful day of meeting with professionals who all wanted to move the show to a time that was absolutely unavailable for them, and he had no idea how to fight for it. Dan was always the one to do it, he was so good at it. But with him in Scotland until tomorrow, he was lost. He needed his Bear. Phil’s life was so much harder without Dan there. So much harder. He was so lonely, so lost without him.

After he’d calmed down, Phil decided he should eat something before he went to bed. He dragged himself into the kitchen and pulled out a bowl, deciding just to have leftover spaghetti from last night. He dished out some of the cold pasta and sat down at the table, scrolling through his phone. The thing Phil wanted most to do right then and there was to call Dan, just to hear his voice, but his plan didn’t cover internationally. He sighed and ate, grimacing at the texture of the cold, slimy noodles, but not willing to heat them in the microwave.

Phil finished eating and went to wash his dishes, and thought he heard some sort of thud over the water, but he passed it off as the neighbor dropping something. Just as he finished washing his bowl and turned off the water, there were hands over his eyes. “Guess who,” a familiar voice whispered in his ear.

“Daniel!” Phil maneuvered around in Dan’s arms and hugged him tightly. “I missed you so much, baby. So, so much.” He buried his face in his boyfriend’s chest.

“I missed you, too, love.” The couple stood there for a while, just holding one another.

Eventually, they decided to go cuddle up on the couch together. Dan was leaning against the armrest, arms wrapped around Phil, who was leant against his chest. “How was the wedding?” Phil asked.

“The wedding was just fine. Beautiful ceremony. When I got back to the hotel room and got online, though, someone didn’t tag a certain post.” Phil shifted so he was facing his boyfriend. “I’m okay now, but I’m never going on a trip without you ever again, okay?”

“Okay. I love you so much, you strong, beautiful, man.” Dan smiled at him.

“I mean it, though. Absolutely. Here, I got you something.” The younger of the two fished something out of his pocket that Phil didn’t identify at first, but once he  did, his heart skipped a beat and his hands flew to cover his mouth. “Philip Lester, I can’t live without you, I can hardly function without you. I love you so, so much. Will you please marry me?”

Phil was laying in the silence of his bedroom, scrolling through Tumblr on his laptop, when he began to hear something through the wall. He held his breath for a moment, trying to identify the sound. It was beautiful, something he heard quite frequently, but could never seem to hear enough of. He couldn’t tell if tonight is was Schubert, or Bach, or Mozart, but whoever composed it could in no way have sounded more elegant, more beautiful than when Dan played it. He put so much feeling into what he played, and although he never thought he sounded good, Phil preferred listening to Dan play than any professional musician.

The music was still too quiet for Phil’s liking, so he sat his computer on his bed and went to go sit against Dan’s bedroom door. The piece began slow, almost a lament. Soon, the adagio, espressivo of the piece picked up. Accelerando. Faster, faster. It became more lively, the pianissimo became forte. And then all of a sudden, it halted. It was low, and soft, almost sad. Nobody could make Phil feel emotion like Dan could through his music. This piece was unlike any he’d heard before. Maybe one of Dan’s own compositions, an improvisation even, but no matter the composer it was beautiful.

Eventually, it stopped. The house laid silent and still. Sitting there on the floor, Phil willed Dan to continue playing, but when he didn’t he stood and knocked softly on the door. “Come in,” Dan sounded tired. Phil guessed that playing with so much heart and soul must be exhausting.

“Was it Chopin tonight?” Phil asked, walking in and sitting on the bed.

“No, actually, it was one of my own. I didn’t realize you could hear me, sorry if I disturbed you.” Dan seemed shy.

“Why are you apologising? It was one of the most beautiful pieces I’ve ever heard! What was it about?” Phil was speaking softly, still relaxed by the music.

“Er, nothing in particular. This one friendship I had where I fell for them and was never able to tell them. One of the best friendships I’ve ever been in.”

“Which friend?” Phil asked. He was hopeful for the answer, but didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

“I don’t think you know them.” Dan knew Phil knew, and vice versa. He was frozen in his chair. He could hardly talk. The next thing that happened, though, surprised them both. Phil walked over to Dan and kissed him.