artistly anxious

I’ll never write this perfectly. But the concept of perfection is the enemy, so by letting it go, I allow myself the opportunity to actually do things with my life (I also allow myself to never shut up and to continue talking about it-yay😂)

Big cheesy waffle warning: I will be info dumping my thoughts surrounding the doodle above. Many bad metaphors to avoid blunt vulnerability ahead.

A few years ago, my relationship with art changed drastically. It’s hard to describe, but as I worked it seemed like something in my brain was being mended. Indulging different parts of my creativity was healing. It didn’t solve my problems but this new little excitement was born. There was no need for a fire to be reignited because the embers were dazzling and that was enough to ground me in some sort of sanity.

But the thing that didn’t change were the unhealthy coping mechanisms🙃 (Although, I am grateful that they became more apparent because then I could stop being in denial about them.) As it turns out, Art was just another way to ride the highs and lows of my self-esteem👍my sense of self obsessively clung to my artwork and the reaction I got from it. When this aspect of life was amplified, the consequences seemed really great but then the highs just weren’t worth the lows anymore. It took me a bit to realize that the highs and lows were related and that this wasn’t exactly new.

Looking back I can see that Art was the foundation I built a lot of my identity and self worth from. Whenever my identity of being an artist was compromised, I went into panic mode as if my entire existence was collapsing. In order to combat this and start building again, I was competing with the idea that every single thing I made had to entirely represent me. The hypothetical scenario was that if one person only saw one piece of artwork from me, it had to be the best thing I’ve made because their entire perception of my existence depended on the one thing they saw. This limiting mindset is so exhausting and extremely counter-productive because it just causes more stress and unneeded crises. 10/10 do not recommend, especially since it prevents you from even starting projects. (Maybe God knew what He was doing, because if I was ever not haunted by the idea of perfection, I would probably be too powerful.)

Even though I am grateful for how far I've come with skill and the ability to make the things I've always wanted to make, I do miss how I used to draw and have fun doing it when I was a lot younger. I would just power-through paper like the embodiment of “non-stop” from hamilton (drawing pixar characters is the same as writing the majority of the federalist papers if you didn’t know.) I never spent more than one sitting on a drawing and I didn’t agonize over every little detail. (no thoughts, head empty, every-single-piece-of-paper-in-sight? full.) drawing was like an instinct, and I had just so much fun? (I still do have fun making things, there’s just more angst now lol) it was beautifully simple really, and totally, innocently selfish. Selfish in the way that breathing is. Even though it’s the thing that allows you to connect to the world and other people benefit from you breathing, you are your lungs’ number one priority.

And Art is still that way for me-I am my number one priority. Yes, I love communities, and making things for others (and commissions are VERY cool 😉) but if I didn’t create, regardless of the benefits the world gives me, I just couldn’t be a human being. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but basically, Art is ultimate me time 😂

So the anxiety sucks, and I wondered if over-compensating in the opposite direction would help. I did not dwell on that idea for very long because severing the ties between Art and my entire identity didn’t make much sense? Especially when I JUST compared it to breathing 😂 But Art isn’t the bad guy, it’s the reaction to it  that needs to change.

So this is the answer I came up with for now: I want to speak through my artwork, not let my art speak for me. My art doesn’t “make up” for my existence and imperfections. I don’t deserve to let myself hide behind a literal crafted distraction. I’m throwing away this shield that enables the lie that I am disappointing and boring (It really had the audacity, I know 😤)

Anyways, the more I think about it, the more it seems painfully obvious, bUt iTs EaSiEr sAiD tHaN dOnE. That’s why I’m posting this here. It’s a reminder to focus on what I'm trying to say-not what I'm trying to hide. If I am not actively steering my brain into this mindset, I will I fall into the downward spirals that I've maintained over the years. So this drawing represents all that and more. Hopefully posting this will help when my brain starts to lie again. This is a struggle I am enthusiastic to deal with, because I refuse to hide behind something I should and do thoroughly enjoy.

My brain does not plan to ever stop overthinking, so I might as well enjoy writing and drawing about it again and again (and that’s a threat lol)

funny story, i edit my pictures on ig so i usually post my art there first, and i've actually been almost perfectly consistent with inktober so far ((super proud of myself)) but i completely forgot to post it here whoops

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