Ramblings

Honestly, I'm stalling. I don't know how to voice what I'm thinking without coming off as pathetic, but when it comes down to it, that's exactly how I feel. Constantly. I feel pathetic that I'm still living with my mother because I can't afford not to. I'm 26, working 3 jobs, and yet, I still have no money to show for it. I get paid pittance for a job I'm absolutely miserable at. A job that quite literally has given me ulcers (and continues to). A job that has completely killed what little self esteem I gained while I was in school. A job where I feel more like an inanimate object than a human being. A job that has absolutely no room for growth. A job that has ultimately made me into such a bitter bitch that I can't even stand to listen to myself. So, why stay at a place that makes me so miserable? Simple. I can't afford not to. I've applied to SO many bench jobs that I've lost count. Out of the countless applications/resumes I've sent in, only one has gotten back to me, and I left that interview in tears because the entire thing consisted of the woman telling me everything about me was wrong and a strike against me. Now, I consider myself someone with a thick skin, I have to with the way I grew up, but how am I not supposed to take something like that to heart? I'm starting to really doubt my "talent" (if I even have any right to call it that) and I'm thinking maybe I should just give up on my dream to be a bench jeweler. I mean, there's obviously a reason no one wants to hire me. Why should I keep setting myself up for failure? I'm honestly starting to feel like this god awful job I'm working at now is the best I'm ever going to get, and that's just pathetic. Don't get me wrong, by no means do I think I'm too good for it or the people I work with. I just thought that with a college degree, drive, and willingness to learn I'd be able to get a job that I'm actually happy in, and maybe even have a job where people respect me more than the dog shit they stepped in on the way into the store. I'm just really tired of always feeling badly about myself.

I feel pathetic that I'm incapable of feeling good about myself. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like, maybe, I'm someone worth knowing, being friends with, or like I have anything to offer anyone. I don't know the last time I've felt anything but pathetic. It's no wonder it's been over 10 years since a guy has even been remotely interested in me. Why should they when I can't even stand  myself? Hell, my family barely wants anything to do with me, and they have no choice but to be associated with me. My handful of friends don't really talk to me unless they need something or don't have anything better to do. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but I just don't feel like I have anyone that I can really turn to when I need. I get that they all have their own lives and busy schedules to deal with, and I, by no means, expect them to drop everything for me, but it wouldn't hurt to feel like the friendships weren't all so one sided. I always feel like I'm trying so hard to fit in and it's all for nothing. Like they all just feel sorry for me and that's the only reason they ever invite me along to anything. I've stopped initiating a lot of conversations because I just feel like I'm forcing friendships with people who really aren't interested. Maybe I'm isolating myself, but it's a lot easier not to disappoint anyone when there is no one around to disappoint.

I've been finding it harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings, as stereotypical as that is. I've been having a lot of thoughts that I won't share on here because I don't want to be that girl. I should probably be more afraid of what I've been thinking, but I've become quite numb to it. I've become quite good at deflecting suspicions and I'm good at making jokes and smiling through it. All this "you're not alone" talk, while it's intentions and sentiments might be genuine and sweet, it's just crap. Call me a bitch, or pessimistic, while true, it doesn't change the fact that when it comes down to it, I am alone. Not once in my life have I ever felt that I was not. I've grown accustom to the fact that I will probably never find anyone to spend my life with and fall in love and all that crap. It's sad, yes, but it's not the end of the world. It just is what it is. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, it would be nice to know what it feels like for someone to love me, make me feel worthwhile, pretty, or maybe even like there's a point to it all, but that doesn't mean that I won't be able to survive without it. I've made it this far without ever knowing what any of that feels like, so obviously it won't be the end of the world. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to be reminded of it though.

I think it's time I wrap this up. It's almost 2 A.M. and I have to be up for work in 4 hours. So, for now, I'll continue to smile and make jokes, because, after all, no one suspects anything if you appear happy. If anything, I've at least come close to perfecting pretending to be happy. As pathetic as that is.